Day Four - ZzzzTown

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday

On Day Four we arrive at the first official day to only have 1 appt at MDA. There will be many other days like today, but what's interesting about it is that even though there was only 1 appt, it still took a chunk of time from the day, as the bounce back is slow. The accumulation of radiation plus the chemo this week came knocking today. Knock, knock. I tried not to answer the door, but it's a persistent knocking of the new neighbor kids Nausea, Burpy, Fatigue, Dryness and Stomach Upset. Then, more friends arrived that took David's attention away from drinking water, Mr Full-Feeling, and then Mrs Imma Wonky showed up. And lastly, Ms Zz Sleep came knocking. All these new friends took him away to a place he did not want to go. It wasn't a matter of peer pressure, but instead a kidnapping of sorts. Kind of like when you joined band in 9th grade and they came to find you for Initiation. I might even say that these new friends are guilty of hazing. 

Luckily, David's old friend Mr. Omeprazole showed up with his brother Mr P. Bismol who came from far away to bring him back home. Ms. Zofran politely rang the doorbell bright and early Thursday morning, and we were glad to see her. They all tried hard, and we appreciate their effort. It was barely enough old friends for today, but glad they brought David back home, for now.

Now where did I put that comfort zone? 

It's been said that life begins at the end of your comfort zone. I liked that when I was participating in an endurance running race, or pushing myself through an Ironman Triathlon. I intentionally would push myself to my own personal edge and loved doing so. Now though, stepping out of what's comfortable and into a new reality is like going skydiving (because your best friend wants to) and you're unsure if you know where the pull is for the chute - after you already jumped. They showed you what to do, remember? But finding it in a time of free falling is a little different. As David and I move into the beginning phases of I don't want to drink more or I'm not hungry right now and it's week one, we talk about what this looks like. We have the conversation with self-awareness that we are now in this moment. I know you don't want to drink more right now. What sounds good? (He can still taste and smell right now). Nothing really, he answers. My brain spins in a thousand motions from nurse, to friend, to wife, then to caretaker. We start with various antacids, zofran (this morning) and general OTC meds to calm the feelings and beginnings of what chemo brings. It's time to think about making that smoothie. Bland please. David is not a bland kind of guy. He does have his wedge pillow set up, his humidifier by his bedside to keep his nose moist along with nasal rinses and nasal gels. He's putting his moisture eyes drops and ointment in his eyes. And a blanket the thickness of grandma's bedspread - and he's still cold. It started and here we are. 

Before the trip to cancer island, while we were still on the boat enjoying the breeze and warm sun, we talked about this moment. How we will communicate with each other. How we will shift the self care from him, slowly more to me. How to let go of the old us and move to a new version of us. It's happening and we see it and acknowledge it. The recipe for our success, from this early vantage point, is to communicate as clearly as possible, listen to each other, and explain our thoughts so that we do not throw verbal punches that are not productive. So, I watched as we talked about what was unfolding today, and we both are trying hard to set the best tone possible for this expedition to hell and back. Both silently wishing for that boat to take us off the island. 

I got this

Okay, I might not get it right all the time. But I've got it. Or I will get it. And it'll get better. What does make it better is the daily conversations looking into each other eyes listening. David is wonderful at explaining what his day was like. He's great at recalling what was said and who said what while inside the huge walls of clear, thick, shiny glass at 1515 Holcomb Dr. 

He explains to me in detail of what it looks like while looking into the laser of the radiation machine. Cyndi, the star in the middle is blue, and that's what shoots towards me. While it's shooting the radiation into me, the what-looks-like little doors open and close, changing shape, forming new designs, like it's morphing this way, then that way. He's fascinated enough that he shares a picture with me so I'll know what he looks at each day. Well, he's not really supposed to be looking at that, but he glances at it now and again because he's fascinated with the way it moves.

Gaze not stare

David is still being schooled for his (in)ability to stare properly in radiation class. Don't stare so hard. Stay focused on one spot. Look gently ahead. Today? It was "gaze, not stare". I hope he gets this figured out before the final exam in 6 weeks. 

Who's in Control?

I've been meaning to provide an update on the Yoga Therapy Study we are enrolled in. I've got my yoga mat and I'm ready. The phone rang the other evening, and it was The Study People calling to tell David he's been assigned to a group. I'm thinking: Oh goodie! I heard David say, Uh huh, Okay, Uh huh, Okay, thanks for calling. He hung up and smiled. He was so proud to announce we have been assigned to the Control Group. The Control Group will be the people everyone is "compared to". We stay the same, and we do not do the yoga therapy. We complete all the surveys like everyone does, and answer the questions given. Yes, David and I both still participate. We each get a gift card to Target for $20 every time we answer a survey. But no yoga. No goat yoga either, for sure. I am a little sad that we won't have free yoga. Especially yoga that is catered to head and neck cancer patients. David, on the other hand, is thrilled. 

Blend In

On my way to do some damage at Smoothie King tonight, I was thinking about the ingredient requirements I would need to pick for David. Let's see, low (as little as possible) sugar, bland, high ice/water content, some fruit is okay, and be cautious of the ones with caffeine (diuretic) or yogurt (too much sugar). I mulled the menu over like I was loading my shopping cart online and not buying any of it. I'm stealing all their fabulous ideas off the menu and then picking the ones I would actually get him tonight. Once completed, I left with not only something David ended up drinking tonight, but many options for the smoothies I'm going to make him myself. I got a NutriBullet Pro and will load it with lots of ice along with things he likes and also things he doesn't like and won't know is in there. He used to tease me about blending up a quesadilla when I'm old and can't chew. Funny how life is. Little did he know then that the day would come when I could actually use my witchcraft to create potions. It's not funny to mention that him losing his smell and taste only works in my advantage. That's not nice. 😏   

Just a guess

I'm going to take a guess that Friday will bring us both a vivid awareness of what this all really means. Time is not really on our side. They say it is, but whoever 'they' is, is not at MDA right now. I'm also going to guess that David will be feeling a little IDGAF-ish tomorrow. Just a guess. That's not his normal Friday feeling, but tomorrow is not a normal Friday. I am thrilled that we learned so much this week, and that God is easing us into this. I appreciate that He did not just throw us off the cliff. Instead, God is showing us the way with baby steps and we are most grateful. We are grateful for the ways that He's allowing us to move through this. God has seen millions of people through this process, we are not the first nor will be the last. Our pain is never wasted. It's merely a lesson for us to use wisely. No pain, no gain, so cliche yet still holds water. Go big or go home. Can we pick go home - and take a nap. And home is Houston for us right now, and it feels good. I'll see our "real" home late tomorrow night as I make my way back to Gunter to check on the projects, farm animals, barn and house. David will remain in Houston to rest and drink lots of fluid. Right, honey? Lots of fluids. 💖

Here's to the most amazing weekend for everyone,

Cyndi