Winter is fun, they said

 

When I asked Alexa to play Cool Change, I actually did not mean bring freezing cold weather. Nonetheless, we have all had our fair share of cold, freezing temps, and ramifications of what damage a freeze can bring to our homes.

Firstly, signs on The Graves Fram that it’s much too cold…..

Sugar sits on a chicken warming pad
while we are in the barn

The ducks walk on the frozen pond

Dog food in the Frigidaire in the Tack Room
is now using the Warm setting, not Cold. 
All meals to LGD dogs are served warm,
as they are working hard in these cold temps

Paul has dinner on his perch as
he really wants to stay by his heat pad.
Yes, his perch is a saw horse from Home Depot

PJ's and Jackets on The Littles

Char spending quality time snuggled up in her chair

And so it's cold. Actually freezing. The heat lamps and heated water buckets are all placed around in the barn. Water is being carried from the house to the barn to the heated water buckets because all the water lines outside are frozen. But hey, we have water in the house. And after a number of days, we finally got hot water back. Thanks to Angela and Paul for letting us use their washer to wash some clothes - and for allowing us to shower/bathe using their hot water. No one likes a cold shower, and that was the only option at our house. And the water line to our washer was frozen so our dirty selves could just wear our dirty clothes I suppose. But no need, as thanks again to Angela and Paul for helping us out! Love you both. 

Where are we at now

Let's see. The water line behind the washer leaked water into the wall. I'm getting an estimate on that Tuesday. The septic system is still limping along, and I had one site evaluation today so that we can move forward with estimates for a new septic system. Those are my main freeze disasters. So no washing clothes - and minimal water use is the mantra these days. The less fluid we send to the septic tank, the less work it has to do. We are trying to extend it's life until I can get a new system installed. And this process takes time. But we'll get there! Brooks loves the idea of less bathes. 

Crazy thing is.....

Then there was a slight break in the weather. An actual day with sun and temps that felt 'okay'. The farm animals took advantage of this time by sunning themselves, getting outside and enjoying the break from the freezing temps for a day. 

Both Maggie and Baby enjoy the sun - for a day

How can I love a pig this much 💟
Mag Pie, You da best piggie ever

All warmth is appreciated 🌞

So as the animals were out and about for a short time, I tried to clean up the barn a bit. But really, the chickens are going to camp out in there again while this next freeze - and wet weather - descends on us again. Maybe this coming weekend I'll fluff it real good after these next few days of messy weather. The chickens never complain anyway. They really just want warmth and to stay out of a draft/breeze. That along with food, water and treats and they are set. Amazingly, they are still producing a good number of eggs. And I have been able to place them in my egg fridge and sell some again. 

I'm often asked how the animals are doing when the weather gets if-y. I'm happy to report everyone is doing as well as can be expected. I have lost 2 chickens in the past couple of weeks to the cold/freezing weather. It's hard to say why, but it's safe to say that some of my chickens aren't up to the lasting low temps. They just can't handle it either due to age or hardiness. And you know what I do with my deceased chickens, right? I provide a meal to the coyotes, who also need to eat. There's a special drop-off place I always take my deceased loved ones where I know the coyotes will look for a pickup meal each night. My loss is their gain. The life cycle is real. 

Sometimes I'm asked why the coyotes? Why not the pigs? If you've listened to Dateline, you may have been informed that a pig will eat a human body whole. Bones and all. A human body, just gone. Vanished inside a pig. 

I'm afraid if I feed my pigs my deceased chickens, then the live chickens who happen to mosey into their pig pen could be up for grabs. This is no bueno. Therefore, the moral of the story is: no deceased farm animal is fed to another animal that lives on the farm. I'm afraid if I ever did (which I won't), that situation has a high likelihood of developing a bad habit - not to mention developing a taste for friends. Something is off about that scenario. Way off.

What's it like....

Another question I get quite often, whether it's bad weather or good weather or any weather is: What's it like having 2 young children living in your home?

6 month old Olive is scooching 
backwards and can often be found 
under the couch.
She gives 'back it up'  all new meaning.

And our little mad scientist is always entertaining (and he’s got a cold that you can hear in this clip). He's curious, smart, and asks "why" 1001 times a day - and loves hard. I just love these 2  in a way that words could never express. Infinity. That's it, to infinity and beyond. 

And in other news

Since I'm new here in the divorce arena, I've learned a few things, well many things actually but one in particular is that people tell their divorce stories like new moms tell their birth stories. 

The major difference is that I've noticed divorcees tell their story and then want to put their divorce story on your divorce story. Kind of like a drag and drop. An overlay. People just want to be seen and validated and likely have not had either of these things happen. So there's a striving to connect in a way that what happened to them must have also been your same experience. Validate me please.

There's truth to that. All of us who have been through a divorce have been hurt. And we want to speak our pain, express our hurt, and find validation in it all. I've noticed that those around me who speak their divorce story just want to be heard. Each of our stories contain hard and difficult times, and even shame. Each of our stories are complicated, and contain content that we play like a record in our head. I'm learning to discern what in my story to speak - and what to keep in my pocket as my own. This is ever-changing esp when it comes to who I'm speaking with and what my safety level is with that person. The nitty gritty of a divorce is so private yet so public because it's likely happening to many other people. Why keep quiet about it then. Ahhh, so complicated.

I, myself have reached a new level in my own healing and I can feel it - and it feels a bit like leveling up. Like in Fortnite when you compete in Battle Royale matches and complete challenges. I've seen many a t-shirt on youngsters that say Level Up. And that's just what I've done myself. Maybe I need one of those t-shirts.

Dear Cyndi

You did it. You can feel it in your soul. You've reached a new place in your healing that has brought you to a calmer place. Almost like a wave of peace has come over your soul. All those feeling of feelings and days of ups and downs, of never knowing what a day will bring. Happiness or sadness? It was always a surprise. 

The days of ruminating are few now. You've learned to remind myself to think of the future and what good things are to come, rather than let your yesterdays serve you. 

You've learned the most valuable lesson yet and it's to ask yourself : What was your role? And you've placed a good many hours marinating on this important question. Accountability is key, and knowing you're not responsible for others being accountable, whether they ever choose to be or not. It matters not. What was your role, Cyndi? Where can you improve, and accept the things you've done and forgive yourself.  

In this new level of healing, you’re focusing on not allowing your mind to think about 'what if's' and instead ask yourself, What was your role in it all? That's where your healing expands. In those moments. 

You've learned during those moments that there's responsibility for both persons involved in every rupture. And taking an inventory of yourself, and what to do in the future, and what not to do in your future, is key. 

A big a-ha moment for you was learning the concept that there are people who have to see you as the problem, because if you are the problem, they aren't. Oooof. 

You now understand that when you are placed as the villain in this divorce story, you are not succumbing again to gaslighting, but instead understanding that that's how you'll always be seen. And you'll stay true you. You have grown to look past this, and that in itself is one of your biggest accomplishments. That, along with asking yourself......."what was your role". That one question is everything. Worry about yourself. Stay in your lane. Paddle your own canoe. That's where your healing begins and ends. Stay there, as it feels safe and warm. Hard, but safe and warm.

Stay salty because you can, 

Cyndi

And so it goes

As I move through my life, I have not become comfortable discussing my divorce story with others just yet. I do at times talk about it, but then I have a bitter taste in my mind and mouth after I have done so. This tells me I'm not ready yet for extended conversation about it. I say stupid things, feel uncomfortable, and I'm just not there yet to talk appropriately about it all. Probably because I'm still sorting it out myself. #skeeredtotalkaboutit

I've got bigger fish to fry right now. I need to get a septic system so we can all shower and wash clothes again. I need to get back in my cancer treatment routine now that the appeal for it has been approved. I'll continue enjoying the grand kiddos knowing it's a privilege to see them day in and day out. And continue nurturing my relationship and repairs with Lauren. There's so much awesome in life to enjoy, and anything otherwise is merely futile.

Liking the idea of staying salty,

Cyndi

 

 

Stronger than the storm

THE IRONY IS THAT WE

attempt to

DISOWN our DIFFICULT STORIES

to appear more whole or more

ACCEPTABLE, 

BUT OUR WHOLENESS

- even our wholeheartedness -

ACTUALLY DEPENDS ON THE 

integration of 

ALL OUR EXPERIENCES,

including the falls.

- Brene Brown

I love Brene Brown, her work and her words. This is from her book, Rising Strong and I love how she utilizes the word 'falls'. Love love it. I'm an expert fall-er. It's my learn language. I fell, now what did I learn from that.  

The letters to me continue....

Dear Cyndi,

Look how far you've come! These past couple of weeks have been a time of realization and the learning of many lessons - along with forward progression. 

Look at you grow! You're learning to trust yourself and your knowing. You've learned that ruminating on history is futile and impedes your own healing. You've learned to feel all the feelings and then allow them to move on. Yet your biggest breakthrough has arrived: You now understand that you will stand up for yourself when poor behavior is encountered and that there is no other option than that. In particular, poor verbal behavior is never to be tolerated and knowing this, that you will forgive yourself for the allowance of gaslighting and blame. And on the days this pain is loud, just remember you are more than what has hurt you. And it's okay that it took so long to learn this, my love.

Please remember, you are still learning to nurture the version of you that you desire to keep. You learned that while trying to save your prior relationship you lost you. And in the future, you will chose to save yourself and lose the relationship. You finally started loving me after we. You understand that releasing people without hate is how to let go. Hate only pulls you back. 

As you embrace these lessons learned, you realize that it's not about erasing the past: it's about making space for a brighter tomorrow.

Keep growing Sweet Pea 🥰

Didn’t See That Coming 

It was a Wednesday morning like all others, warm and cozy in bed with The Littles, as all three pups sleep with me. When my alarm went off and as I turned over to tap it off, I was unaware in the dark, of how close Sugar was to my face. Sugar typically sleeps at the foot of the bed, yet on this particular morning, she was lurking close by, probably wanting to go outside and potty and just waiting for me to awaken. 

Where was I? Oh yeah, the alarm was going off and it always excites her because she knows it’s time to get up and going. But first and foremost, we always have a petting session of belly rubs and kisses, as this is the time of day we all bond and have time and attention with no distractions. 

In the darkness, and as I tap the alarm off, Sugar reaches up with her paw and scraps her nail right down my open eye. My eye was open, in the darkness, and I did not see her paw coming at me. This has never happened before and I'm not sure why. 

I did not have the reflexes to shut my eye as I did not see her paw coming towards it. And before I realized it, her mail had scratched my left eye ball. Inside my eye. My reaction was instant. My hand swung up and over my eye as I just knew it might be bleeding, but it wasn't. There was just pain.

I knew something bad had just happened. Really bad. I got out of bed, and realized I could not see out of my eye. I managed to take the dogs outside to potty with my right eye trying to compensate. And I even tried to get ready for work, and do all my morning barn chores, and actually somehow did so.

Driving to work was tortuous. My right eye was trying to see, while my left eye was unsuccessful and causing more pain as it tried and tried to focus. I made it to work.

People were appalled to see my eye, swollen, almost closed on it's own. I would be sent away within a few hours to go see an eye dr. The work folks could see things that I could not, and encouraged me to head out and seek help.

My eye dr was able to see me right away, and he said I had a doozy of a corneal abrasion. Large and long in my eye, and besides not being able to see out of it (everything was a blur from my left eye) it was extremely painful.

So what do they do these days for this type of injury? A contact bandage. Yes, an actual contact placed over the abrasion to allow the eye to blink and not 'rub' over the abrasion so that it can heal. No eye patch, as that's what they "used to do". Now, in my case, they would also keep my eye dilated for 3 days to allow the inflammation to subside and not cause further damage to the eye - specifically behind the eye. I would see the eye dr the next day or two to have him take the contact bandage out and evaluate the healing. Then place the contact bandage back in if needed. 

The eye doctor took such wonderful care of my eye. It took days to heal, but it eventually did. He had told me my eye sight would be the last to return. He’s certainly right, my eye sight is still slowly getting better. 

My Sugs

Lesson learned. Watch for flying paws when turning off my alarm in the dark. It truly was a crazy and odd accident. It may never happen again. And in my case, I'm always mindful when it comes to turning my alarm off in the dark now. And even though Sugar usually sleeps at my feet, I keep an eye out for who’s in my close proximity. I now keep my eyes closed until I'm ready to see what's happening around me. Trying to try over here people. 

1 out of 2 get cancer, so the safest place is right here next to me

Ah yeah, the fun of cancer. Everything is good.....until it's not. This blogpost is really sucking in the Happy Dept. But I'm going to give you the scoopy poop anyway. 

So a few days before my eye injury, I got a call. Texas Oncology was calling to tell me my appt was being cancelled and that my cancer treatment has been denied by my insurance. Something about the insurance took it off their formulary. 

Of course they did, I'm thinking. It's expensive. It's a new year, and they can do that. Matter of fact, that's exactly what they do. 

I hang up the phone and think about it all. I was doing so well on this treatment. My oncologist was thrilled at my continued positive reaction to this particular cancer treatment which is intended only for patients with my rare blood cancer, polycythemia vera. I finally have a good option for treatment, and then the insurance company just takes it away. Not indicated, they say.

It would be indicated if it were any of their loved ones who had this cancer. It would be indicated if it were their wife, sister, or mom. But it's not, and they really don't care as we are all just numbers. Esp financially, dollar sign numbers. I'm too expensive.

I mull this over for a few days. Wow, things had been going so well. Well, with the exception of the treatment causing me to lose my fingernails (I'm learning how to pick things up without a fingernail despite still having some of my nails that I'm yet to lose), damage/loss of my hair and a few other choice reactions but it's cancer treatment and that means it's typically toxic to your body in one way or another. Yeah, my blood lab numbers/results are not great, but I have a blood cancer. And my blood is not going to behave in a normal fashion. It's just not and it can't help it. After all, my blood flunked so many tests, if it were a student, it'd be held back a year.

Yet, this treatment was helping in ways that are beneficial - and considering the treatment options are few, it's the best option for me according to MD Anderson and Texas Oncology. They are the experts. 

I begin to think about what will happen next. Let's see, PV patient's with no treatment have a prognosis of 1-3 years. With treatment, 8-20 years (depending on progression) with studies showing PV patients rarely live past 77 at best. The progression of this cancer is different for each patient. And I don't know what my progression will be exactly, and only time will disclose that. I also know in the grand scheme of things that I have no control over cancer treatment options whatsoever (unless I had lots of money to throw at it) because insurance companies ultimately decide. 

Then, I get another call from Texas Oncology telling me they are going to try and appeal the decision with my insurance company and if it’s declined, they will then try and look for 'assistance' for me. The Rep from Texas Onc says they have a special department that takes care of these situations, as insurance companies love to take away cancer treatment due to cost. It's part of their gig. They did not say those exact words but she did not need to. I've seen it and I've heard about it and I've experienced it. ✅✅✅ So Texas Oncology will attempt to go to bat for me. And I think in my head that if they do and are unsuccessful, I'll go to see my oncologist at MD Anderson and maybe they might have some assistance for me due to them just being MDA with so many resources. They are the powerhouse of cancer. They are always there for me. 

I give up all control over this situation and decide to let happen what will happen. I'll keep going down the path that these wonderful cancer facilities have. I won't push my will as it's not Cyndi's will be done. They know what to do, how to do it and how to give the information that can prove the worth of a cancer treatment for a patient. I keep moving forward and know that no matter what comes of it all, I have more avenues to try, and that in itself always brings about hope that feeds the soul. 

Then, the eye incident happens (I still love you, Sugar) and I'm sidetracked with dealing with it. And just as I'm coming out of the eye thing, I receive another call. It's Optum Rx calling to tell me that my appeal has been approved! For 1 year, mind you. But still, it's approved for 2024. Yes, I'll take it please and thank you. God is Good. Always. Bless those people working in the special department at cancer facilities (Thank you, Texas Oncology!) that fight for patients such as myself. They fight for our treatment, for our rights, and against our largest frenemy......insurance companies.  

I-can't-feel-my-face degrees

Then, the freeze hits. We all saw this coming. This past week, I've spent some time setting up the heated water buckets, placing lots and lots of straw in all the animals shelters, beds and houses. 

Maggie wasn't really helping, although
she probably thinks so. Over here just trying
to get straw out for them early.

Many preparations are happening here on the farm for this upcoming freeze. I've covered all outside faucets and exposed pipes in the barn. I even did something a little different this year, I placed several heat lamps around the barn to help cut the cold - even if just by a tiny bit. 

Just a touch of heat.
Not a lot, just a touch.

Lucky ones who get the closest seat

All the girlz inside with the north wind and
freezing temps 🥶

A couple of heat lamps around,
and a special small heater for
Paul that puts off a tiny bit of heat just
to take the edge off 🦃

I've loaded up the Tack Room with hay, chicken feed and chicken scratch, dog food, treats for everyone and know that the best way to keep the animals comfortable is by keeping their belly's full. They burn so much just trying to keep warm, so they will be well fed during this time to ensure they are safe and doing as well as they can. 

The straw eases the cold of the concrete 

They are all doing surprisingly well 🙂

Then, Sunday afternoon comes and I see this......

This is water of some sort coming from the septic 
system, running down the back pasture all 
while freezing along the way 🙄

And there's been no precipitation. It's coming from the septic system. Did I mention it's Sunday and Monday is a holiday? I call the septic company but no response. That's what I expected, as I imagine that all folks have their septic sprinklers frozen and tanks backing up. So what is there to really do? I don't know. So I'll wait and see what happens. Another theme in my life I've come to embrace. 

When the thaw out does begin, that’s when I'll know for sure what's what. And call for help again. Until then, I wait.

The good news? I have a friend that brought over a generator full of gas. I also have 2 five gallon gas cans full and ready. So if (or when) the electricity goes out, I can power what is needed the most. Not sure what that is right now. But I'm sure I'll figure that out real quick.

Having a 3 year old and 6 month old living here, the priorities are a bit different. Bottles need to be washed. Heat is important. I'm hoping we won't need to use any other measures except our own electricity (that it stays on) and that the septic system can and will function until help is available. 

What there's not right now

No selling of eggs due to the outside fridge being freezing inside. It's currently 17 degrees inside the egg fridge. I'm picking up all eggs the chickens lay and bringing them in the house until the freeze eases up. Did you know that eggs can freeze and be thawed out - and are still okay to eat? Normally people do not freeze eggs. But they are okay to eat if frozen and thawed.

No running water outside the house. Everything is frozen water-wise. All water going into the heated water buckets in the barn is hand carried in buckets from the house to the barn.

No long runs outside. It's just that cold. Lauren and I did go on a short run and all I can say is wow. 

The outside fridges have become outside freezers. Nothing in them right now.

And as a side note, what there's not right now is underwear. Brooks has no underwear on under his pants. He's 3 years old and boycotting underwear. Even in this freezing weather. He's very passionate about this. Mama and Papa have to pick their battles. This may not be one of them? I’m merely a bystander.

So how are the kiddos? 

Brooks and I take Night Night walks in the dark
towards bedtime. He usually rides with either 
Sugar or Char in his lap. It’s been cold lately! 

We even walk up to the RR tracks and investigate.
Yes, Penny and Dutch tag along to watch 
over us on the Night Night walks.
Everything looks different in the dark.

Olive is growing by leaps. Lots of leaps. 
Eating real food. Making sounds.
6 months old now 🥰

I can imagine you may have your underwear on, even your long underwear on right now. Or maybe not. Either way, I hope you are staying warm and cozy. We will see this through. We always do.

Thanks for listening to my not-so-happy news, and know that all the hard things eventually turned into good news. After all, I can see 👁️ and I’ll get cancer treatment this year. And I'm hoping to report that all the farm animals make it through this freeze happy and healthy. And that you do, too.

Mucho love for all the goodness in our lives,

Cyndi

What a smart chicken looks like

What a cold chicken looks like 

What a not-cold chicken looks like.
She’s more cold-hardy than most. 

All Of The Above

 

Fur Real

So this happened even though I did not take any photos at the time. This past Saturday, I got a text:

It was from Danielle, Baby's 'previous owner' for 5 years. Asking if "they" can come over and see Baby. 

Sure, I say. And they do. Within a couple of hours, Danielle and her mom, Shelly (the real owner of Baby) arrive with their friend Shirly. I'm still trying to figure out who is who, so let me explain. As I get text(s) from all three of these nice folks. Esp Shirly, on the regular. They are usually checking in on Baby. 

Shelly - actual previous owner of Baby who had this huge pig, thinking it was a pot belly pig, living IN HER HOUSE. And yes, feeding her "pizza and food from Market Street" (her words). She would tell me that Baby destroyed her house. Broke windows, ate baseboards, pushed through doors, and rooted her whole back yard up. Baby's "bed" was in their laundry room and just in case you are not aware, pigs can be very protective of their sleeping/bedding space and therefore, for a long time, they could not go in their laundry room because Baby would "come at them". Yes, I say, I understand that as Baby regularly comes at me when I get too close to her own space. (Maggie on the other hand, is a very non-aggressive and docile piggie, so she really doesn't do that). But wow, Baby will come at you and try and bite with no questions asked. 

Shelly informed me that her son had brought Baby home from their ranch and told her it was a pot belly pig. When Shelly saw Maggie, and I told her she was a pot belly pig, that was when Shelly realized Baby was not that. Then, Shelly confessed that she thought all along that her son had brought her a wild boar baby pig he had found on their ranch, and they actually bottle fed Baby for a full year, in their home. 

Maybe she’s just a different breed
that I don’t know about 🤷‍♀️

Shelly does not walk well as she's having knee surgery soon, and was supposed to have had surgery already. She was a little sad that Baby did not "remember" her as she would have liked, as Baby was "coming at them" and trying to bite them, and not really up to having company that day (or any day, really). I just watched the show.

Danielle - daughter of Shelly who arrived with a 11 month old son, Jay, in tow. Danielle is very familiar with Baby, as she's Shelly's daughter. She, too was a little sad that Baby was not just running up to them and saying Hi. Baby tolerated them, but was just living a pig-life and looking for food as pigs do. Shelly and Danielle tried real hard to show Baby who they were, but Baby just wanted the collard greens and romaine lettuce they had brought. 

Brooks waiting patiently with his fishing
pole and tackle box

Shirly - friend of Shelly and Danielle and the impetus for finding Baby a new home. She, too has 7 acres and has rescue and farm animals as I do and loves her life as I love mine. We bonded, as she and I have texted many days just talking and sending photos of our farm animals. It took me awhile to really figure out who she was and what relation she has to Baby. Turns out, it was her husband who brought Baby out to me on that fateful night. Ohhhhh, got it. They are really nice folks and watching the 3 of these women chitty chat together on my farm, and explain to me ALL about Baby was quite the treat. I loved their support and love for one another. It really was a fun experience. Shirly texted me later that day and sent me this:

Same same girl

Which I thought was hilarious because I had a ticket to that exact event, too. 😉

This is how I make new friends. Shirly is now a texting friend of mine. She's my age, has similar interests and loves to share her farm animals and their stories. Shirly is the real deal. She texts me like she's always known me and I love that about her. She has chickens, horses, goats, etc and I bet you are still asking yourself.....how did these people find me?

Well, we have a mutual friend named Shannon, who is both of our farriers (feet trimmer) for our horses. And Shannon was just trying to help Shelly find a new home for Baby. And she did. Me. It's all tied up in a pretty bow now. And I have a new friend. And a new pig - or is she really a true pig. We'll never know for sure. But if you google Boar, you'll find a picture that looks like Baby. It's neither here nor there now, as Baby will surly live out her life here. Pigs are herd animals, so it's nice that Maggie and Baby have each other and they have really come to tolerate each other well. Baby is 5 going on 6 years old, and she's not a young thing. Good news is she's lost about 10 lbs thus far and her previous family were all surprised to see how wonderful she looked and not just that, but how well she gets around. And a realization that she's not a pot belly pig and that maybe they were joshed into thinking she was for a long time, and they now had the chance to say 'they knew it all along'. And the truth will set you free. They are now free of the creature that was tearing up their house and yard. And did I mention.....I have a new texting friend.

In that same arena

In Feburary, my two little goats who are not little anymore, will turn 1 year old. 

Eating too much chicken food

The one thing I know for sure is that living on a farm there's always something going side-ways and needs re-adjusting. It's part of the gig.

This time, it was the goats. They are eating as much chicken food as they possible can and 1) costing me extra $$ in chicken feed, and 2) getting too big too fast. Goats and sheep can die from overeating. There's even a vaccination for it, search it up. And since I know this, I needed to take action.

So what to do. Somehow place the chicken food out of their domain? That's hard, as goats are tricky, crafty and good at getting to what they want. Although I may try to separate out my chicken food in a manner that only my chickens can get to, that's for another day and time.

On this particular day, I knew I needed to get my 2 little goats, Coco and Pearl secured where I can feed them and that they can be safe and warm - and contained from the chicken food. 

I know, I'll expand my pig pen and get them their own shelter in there and they can live with Maggie and Baby. You know what? That's working out wonderfully. The visitors who came to see Baby were actually concerned for the goats safety, but I let them know that the goats: 1) have their own sleeping space and 2) have access to get up higher than Baby can get to. So all is well in the land of Pigs and Goats.

Pearl sleeping 💤 

They truly are little kids 🥰

I always seem to have extra fencing around and since I'm a Certified Expert Fence Mover according to my daughter, I was able to expand the pig area and then place all the goat's play toys that used to be Brooks play toys that he does not use and waa-laa, everyone is happy. 

There’s quite a bit of room for 2 goats and 2 piggies,
burn pile in progress too

It's really important this time of year that all animals have a place of shelter, warmth from any cold rain, and out of the north wind. So far, this arrangement seems to be working well. And everyone is being fed an appropriate amount so the goats and pigs can be healthier which should make them happier. It makes me happier anyways. This will work for now, because ultimately, I'd like to place them out back in the back pasture with the sheep. With time. I need to have them be a little older, first. 

Coco is the sweetest goat ever ❤️

All is right with the world 

A New Run Buddy

To set the tone, I just want to let you know I was not okay with this when it first started happening. Yet, I've come to set parameters around it all for the safety of everyone. 

Oddly, once David moved out earlier last year, I noticed that Penny has decided to never leave me unattended. She begin to whine when I was out of range from her (a fence separating us) and she began to take note of where and what I was doing.....more and more.

Then, when I would go out for a run, she would find a way to go with me. No matter how quiet I was or which way I would go, she would find me. Nothing would deter her. I kept taking her back home and putting her back in the pasture yet to no avail. Finally, time after time I realized that the only way I ever  leave the property without her going - is to drive. And this means that I would have to drive up the road and park my truck to go run. 

Unless....I run the back roads on a particular route and then she can come with me. A route that's Penny-Safe. Safe for her and safe for others. 

Penny stays close

This girl will go 8 - 10 miles with me. And the little dogs , too, but they also have the cart to jump in when they want to rest and ride. 

Everyone okay? Let’s go!

What I didn't realize would happen is that when a car would be coming to go by us, Penny will come when I call her or she would already be by my side as I move to the side of the road for the car to pass. She's so obedient and loyal that having her there, esp on my night runs, makes me feel very secure.  

I would have never thought - or guessed - that this type of scenario would exist. It's not a great idea for her to be out with me without a leash. Not because she's going to hurt someone, but I don't take my dogs out unleashed in general. What I've noticed is that on the route she is allowed to go with me on, the "loose" dogs have come to know her (they already knew me as I run out there regularly). There's many non-aggressive dogs that are not fenced that come to the road when I run by. I pet many of them, and they know me. Now, they are getting to know Penny. Penny is not interested in barking at them or bothering with them, as she senses their non-aggression. That's what I love about her. Gentle and kind until a predator comes around. Then, she's all-in. Sweet Penny. My new running buddy. Only on approved routes. 

The downside is....for now....for me to leave and run without her, I drive up the way. Silly, right. But it works for now. Maybe Penny will settle down about me leaving on foot. For now, she's a runner, part-time. 

The Little Dog Pack

As Baby adjusts to life out here, so does Char.

The Little’s ☮️

Charlotte is settling into life out here with her 2 pals, Maybe and Sugar. She's showing who she is more and more. Her little personality reminds me of a cartoon character. She's mischievous, curious and has exaggerated and vivid emotions. Her myriad facial expressions, head tilts and body gestures make me laugh. She loves to steal things esp Olive's pacifiers or Brooks toys. She's not one to always tear things up, but grab and run for play rather than destruction. She loves pets from those she trust, and is a avid lover of a ride in the car. She's still not a fan of new people, here or anywhere, but I can see the slow improvement as she barks just a little less. Her reaction to new people is over the top and she's sure they are going to hurt her. She's absolutely certain of that. Both her and Sugar, being rescue/adopted dogs, are extra special as they love hard with those they trust. It's a lifetime of learning for them. They've been mistreated in a previous life such that this new life is an opportunity to become the wonderful pups they always were - and are. The path is long, yet the rewards are great. 

Char’s little ears 

Char’s not a big pup, yet she makes Sugar
look so tiny

I've see this same progress with Hope, one of my mini horses who was terribly mis-treated in her former life. Even with Paul The Turkey. All the animals that were gifted to me with an uncertain past are my most precious gifts. The irony in it all is that as they grow, I grow. They have shown me that we all need safety, love and shelter. I learned to apply that to my own life thanks to my furry and feathered farm friends, as they show me resilience, over and over. And why it took me so long to understand that I deserve to feel safe in love is a wound I'm healing from. The word love for me was mis-understood. Turns out it doesn't have to be bad, hard or difficult. Love is pure. And the best way for me to experience true love is not through humans but through the eyes of my animals. They are showing me the way. To think I can be in another relationship is me walking all my $hit right back into it again. I have so much work to do on myself before I can even consider being close to another human again. I find myself keeping others who are interested.....at an arms length away. I need to work on myself and learn how to set and keep boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate in my life. I even recently wrote a letter to myself. It's a long one, but here's a excerpt:

A Letter to Me

Dear Cyndi,

You have learned to exercise a muscle you didn't know you had. For years, you have been many things and being an over-understander was one of those things. You tried to understand where everyone was coming from. You made excuses. You thought it was your responsibility to accommodate and that things would change. And you just did not know how to set boundaries - and keep them. You were too busy thinking you caused other people's emotions and how they treated you was because of you. 

You have learned so much, with so much more to learn. You're setting boundaries and keeping them. You understand that people's behavior can be a reflection of their past, and sometimes have nothing to do with you. And that you are not the creator of other people's emotional state. You have learned what you will and will not tolerate in your life. You're learning to stop over-considering why someone might do something and are instead asking yourself, "Is this a situation where I am betraying myself?" And if it does, my responsibility is to take care of me. Not to try harder to be loved, accepted or appreciated. You are realizing your own responsibility is not to decode other people's behavior. Instead, you are learning to trust yourself, your knowing and follow your heart. Not someone else's heart. 

You are learning to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, poor decisions and not listening to your knowing - even when it was screaming at you from inside your core. You are understanding that there's work to do on you. To forgive yourself, to look toward emotional growth, and not let your yesterdays control your tomorrows. 

Your understanding that being able to sit with yourself, even in the dark of night and feel the hurt and pain and then get up and move forward is actually the best therapy for you. And learn how to be better and do better and keep at it as it's a life-long thing, girl. And that you don't need someone by your side to achieve that. You are awesome as you are. 

Keep growing. Plant more seeds. Stay true to you......always remember that. And yes, you’re all over the place right now with your feelings. Let it be. It’s part of the process, Sweet Pea. 

This is merely a portion of my letter to me. One that I add to at times. One that helps remind me that it's not what others do, but what I do, that is most important. 

My Fam

And what's very important in my life is the family who lives in my home. Lauren, Ryan, Brooks and Olive. As Lauren and I work on past repairs, and learn how to communicate better and more effectively, we know there's so much potential there. There's alot of failing forward. Esp since I'm learning how to express myself in a more healthy way than I used to. I often find myself acknowledging to Lauren that I don't know all the answers. That I'm not perfect in my actions. That I'm a growth-in-progress and will be for my remaining days. And yet she still loves me for me. And I for her. We have so much catching up to do. So much growing we can do together. I have re-parenting for myself - and for her - that's necessary. It's been hard to realize all the work that needs to be done. It can be overwhelming and I just take it day to day. To be able to have the self-awareness of this is hard yet is the best gift I can give myself. The origin wounds (thank you, Vienna Pharaon for writing The Origins of You) we carry into adulthood, that we then carry into relationships can be wonderful - or toxic - or both. This book is one I read over and over, hoping that I can one day soak in all the goodness that Vienna provides. 

And during this first holiday season that I find myself single, I also find myself looking for all the goodness. No funny-business. Just goodness, purity, and love.

#farmboy

It's days like this that I see God's grace. In these moments are exactly when I'm actually finding myself being in the moment. I find myself mesmerized by a 3 years olds ability to be in the moment and not worrying about what's next. Yet instead, what's right now. And I feel that deeply. 

Road House (to go) in the bed of the truck
Nothing better, my friends 

So as we had a picnic in the back of the truck after getting feed for the animals, I feel the warmth of the sunshine on my face and wonder......is this the warmth of God? the warmth of what love feels like? the warmth of the human experience? Or all of the above. All of the above. 

And speaking of warmth, I’m trying something new, which seems to be the theme of my life right now. I’ve loaded up straw (lots of straw) in different areas/shelters for not only the farm animals but for Levi, Penny, Dutch and Whisper. There are several barns and shelters I’ve placed abundant straw in. The LGD’s have chosen this particular shelter as their favorite, which in the past has remained unused.

Char loves them

This makes my heart so happy.
Except in the early mornings before work, when I 
go to feed them, they are here and it’s a little trek 
down the pasture for their breakfast delivery. 
Worth it ✅

In the past, I’ve gotten dog beds for them. Big dog beds for everyone, yet they get so nasty and gross so fast. This year? It’s straw. Lots of straw and refreshing the straw when needed. They seem to really like it. And when they are happy, I, too am happy. And yet, another theme in my life :

Farm animals happy = Cyndi's happy 💕

Happy, happy holidays my sweets,

Cyndi