Stronger than the storm

THE IRONY IS THAT WE

attempt to

DISOWN our DIFFICULT STORIES

to appear more whole or more

ACCEPTABLE, 

BUT OUR WHOLENESS

- even our wholeheartedness -

ACTUALLY DEPENDS ON THE 

integration of 

ALL OUR EXPERIENCES,

including the falls.

- Brene Brown

I love Brene Brown, her work and her words. This is from her book, Rising Strong and I love how she utilizes the word 'falls'. Love love it. I'm an expert fall-er. It's my learn language. I fell, now what did I learn from that.  

The letters to me continue....

Dear Cyndi,

Look how far you've come! These past couple of weeks have been a time of realization and the learning of many lessons - along with forward progression. 

Look at you grow! You're learning to trust yourself and your knowing. You've learned that ruminating on history is futile and impedes your own healing. You've learned to feel all the feelings and then allow them to move on. Yet your biggest breakthrough has arrived: You now understand that you will stand up for yourself when poor behavior is encountered and that there is no other option than that. In particular, poor verbal behavior is never to be tolerated and knowing this, that you will forgive yourself for the allowance of gaslighting and blame. And on the days this pain is loud, just remember you are more than what has hurt you. And it's okay that it took so long to learn this, my love.

Please remember, you are still learning to nurture the version of you that you desire to keep. You learned that while trying to save your prior relationship you lost you. And in the future, you will chose to save yourself and lose the relationship. You finally started loving me after we. You understand that releasing people without hate is how to let go. Hate only pulls you back. 

As you embrace these lessons learned, you realize that it's not about erasing the past: it's about making space for a brighter tomorrow.

Keep growing Sweet Pea 🥰

Didn’t See That Coming 

It was a Wednesday morning like all others, warm and cozy in bed with The Littles, as all three pups sleep with me. When my alarm went off and as I turned over to tap it off, I was unaware in the dark, of how close Sugar was to my face. Sugar typically sleeps at the foot of the bed, yet on this particular morning, she was lurking close by, probably wanting to go outside and potty and just waiting for me to awaken. 

Where was I? Oh yeah, the alarm was going off and it always excites her because she knows it’s time to get up and going. But first and foremost, we always have a petting session of belly rubs and kisses, as this is the time of day we all bond and have time and attention with no distractions. 

In the darkness, and as I tap the alarm off, Sugar reaches up with her paw and scraps her nail right down my open eye. My eye was open, in the darkness, and I did not see her paw coming at me. This has never happened before and I'm not sure why. 

I did not have the reflexes to shut my eye as I did not see her paw coming towards it. And before I realized it, her mail had scratched my left eye ball. Inside my eye. My reaction was instant. My hand swung up and over my eye as I just knew it might be bleeding, but it wasn't. There was just pain.

I knew something bad had just happened. Really bad. I got out of bed, and realized I could not see out of my eye. I managed to take the dogs outside to potty with my right eye trying to compensate. And I even tried to get ready for work, and do all my morning barn chores, and actually somehow did so.

Driving to work was tortuous. My right eye was trying to see, while my left eye was unsuccessful and causing more pain as it tried and tried to focus. I made it to work.

People were appalled to see my eye, swollen, almost closed on it's own. I would be sent away within a few hours to go see an eye dr. The work folks could see things that I could not, and encouraged me to head out and seek help.

My eye dr was able to see me right away, and he said I had a doozy of a corneal abrasion. Large and long in my eye, and besides not being able to see out of it (everything was a blur from my left eye) it was extremely painful.

So what do they do these days for this type of injury? A contact bandage. Yes, an actual contact placed over the abrasion to allow the eye to blink and not 'rub' over the abrasion so that it can heal. No eye patch, as that's what they "used to do". Now, in my case, they would also keep my eye dilated for 3 days to allow the inflammation to subside and not cause further damage to the eye - specifically behind the eye. I would see the eye dr the next day or two to have him take the contact bandage out and evaluate the healing. Then place the contact bandage back in if needed. 

The eye doctor took such wonderful care of my eye. It took days to heal, but it eventually did. He had told me my eye sight would be the last to return. He’s certainly right, my eye sight is still slowly getting better. 

My Sugs

Lesson learned. Watch for flying paws when turning off my alarm in the dark. It truly was a crazy and odd accident. It may never happen again. And in my case, I'm always mindful when it comes to turning my alarm off in the dark now. And even though Sugar usually sleeps at my feet, I keep an eye out for who’s in my close proximity. I now keep my eyes closed until I'm ready to see what's happening around me. Trying to try over here people. 

1 out of 2 get cancer, so the safest place is right here next to me

Ah yeah, the fun of cancer. Everything is good.....until it's not. This blogpost is really sucking in the Happy Dept. But I'm going to give you the scoopy poop anyway. 

So a few days before my eye injury, I got a call. Texas Oncology was calling to tell me my appt was being cancelled and that my cancer treatment has been denied by my insurance. Something about the insurance took it off their formulary. 

Of course they did, I'm thinking. It's expensive. It's a new year, and they can do that. Matter of fact, that's exactly what they do. 

I hang up the phone and think about it all. I was doing so well on this treatment. My oncologist was thrilled at my continued positive reaction to this particular cancer treatment which is intended only for patients with my rare blood cancer, polycythemia vera. I finally have a good option for treatment, and then the insurance company just takes it away. Not indicated, they say.

It would be indicated if it were any of their loved ones who had this cancer. It would be indicated if it were their wife, sister, or mom. But it's not, and they really don't care as we are all just numbers. Esp financially, dollar sign numbers. I'm too expensive.

I mull this over for a few days. Wow, things had been going so well. Well, with the exception of the treatment causing me to lose my fingernails (I'm learning how to pick things up without a fingernail despite still having some of my nails that I'm yet to lose), damage/loss of my hair and a few other choice reactions but it's cancer treatment and that means it's typically toxic to your body in one way or another. Yeah, my blood lab numbers/results are not great, but I have a blood cancer. And my blood is not going to behave in a normal fashion. It's just not and it can't help it. After all, my blood flunked so many tests, if it were a student, it'd be held back a year.

Yet, this treatment was helping in ways that are beneficial - and considering the treatment options are few, it's the best option for me according to MD Anderson and Texas Oncology. They are the experts. 

I begin to think about what will happen next. Let's see, PV patient's with no treatment have a prognosis of 1-3 years. With treatment, 8-20 years (depending on progression) with studies showing PV patients rarely live past 77 at best. The progression of this cancer is different for each patient. And I don't know what my progression will be exactly, and only time will disclose that. I also know in the grand scheme of things that I have no control over cancer treatment options whatsoever (unless I had lots of money to throw at it) because insurance companies ultimately decide. 

Then, I get another call from Texas Oncology telling me they are going to try and appeal the decision with my insurance company and if it’s declined, they will then try and look for 'assistance' for me. The Rep from Texas Onc says they have a special department that takes care of these situations, as insurance companies love to take away cancer treatment due to cost. It's part of their gig. They did not say those exact words but she did not need to. I've seen it and I've heard about it and I've experienced it. ✅✅✅ So Texas Oncology will attempt to go to bat for me. And I think in my head that if they do and are unsuccessful, I'll go to see my oncologist at MD Anderson and maybe they might have some assistance for me due to them just being MDA with so many resources. They are the powerhouse of cancer. They are always there for me. 

I give up all control over this situation and decide to let happen what will happen. I'll keep going down the path that these wonderful cancer facilities have. I won't push my will as it's not Cyndi's will be done. They know what to do, how to do it and how to give the information that can prove the worth of a cancer treatment for a patient. I keep moving forward and know that no matter what comes of it all, I have more avenues to try, and that in itself always brings about hope that feeds the soul. 

Then, the eye incident happens (I still love you, Sugar) and I'm sidetracked with dealing with it. And just as I'm coming out of the eye thing, I receive another call. It's Optum Rx calling to tell me that my appeal has been approved! For 1 year, mind you. But still, it's approved for 2024. Yes, I'll take it please and thank you. God is Good. Always. Bless those people working in the special department at cancer facilities (Thank you, Texas Oncology!) that fight for patients such as myself. They fight for our treatment, for our rights, and against our largest frenemy......insurance companies.  

I-can't-feel-my-face degrees

Then, the freeze hits. We all saw this coming. This past week, I've spent some time setting up the heated water buckets, placing lots and lots of straw in all the animals shelters, beds and houses. 

Maggie wasn't really helping, although
she probably thinks so. Over here just trying
to get straw out for them early.

Many preparations are happening here on the farm for this upcoming freeze. I've covered all outside faucets and exposed pipes in the barn. I even did something a little different this year, I placed several heat lamps around the barn to help cut the cold - even if just by a tiny bit. 

Just a touch of heat.
Not a lot, just a touch.

Lucky ones who get the closest seat

All the girlz inside with the north wind and
freezing temps 🥶

A couple of heat lamps around,
and a special small heater for
Paul that puts off a tiny bit of heat just
to take the edge off 🦃

I've loaded up the Tack Room with hay, chicken feed and chicken scratch, dog food, treats for everyone and know that the best way to keep the animals comfortable is by keeping their belly's full. They burn so much just trying to keep warm, so they will be well fed during this time to ensure they are safe and doing as well as they can. 

The straw eases the cold of the concrete 

They are all doing surprisingly well 🙂

Then, Sunday afternoon comes and I see this......

This is water of some sort coming from the septic 
system, running down the back pasture all 
while freezing along the way 🙄

And there's been no precipitation. It's coming from the septic system. Did I mention it's Sunday and Monday is a holiday? I call the septic company but no response. That's what I expected, as I imagine that all folks have their septic sprinklers frozen and tanks backing up. So what is there to really do? I don't know. So I'll wait and see what happens. Another theme in my life I've come to embrace. 

When the thaw out does begin, that’s when I'll know for sure what's what. And call for help again. Until then, I wait.

The good news? I have a friend that brought over a generator full of gas. I also have 2 five gallon gas cans full and ready. So if (or when) the electricity goes out, I can power what is needed the most. Not sure what that is right now. But I'm sure I'll figure that out real quick.

Having a 3 year old and 6 month old living here, the priorities are a bit different. Bottles need to be washed. Heat is important. I'm hoping we won't need to use any other measures except our own electricity (that it stays on) and that the septic system can and will function until help is available. 

What there's not right now

No selling of eggs due to the outside fridge being freezing inside. It's currently 17 degrees inside the egg fridge. I'm picking up all eggs the chickens lay and bringing them in the house until the freeze eases up. Did you know that eggs can freeze and be thawed out - and are still okay to eat? Normally people do not freeze eggs. But they are okay to eat if frozen and thawed.

No running water outside the house. Everything is frozen water-wise. All water going into the heated water buckets in the barn is hand carried in buckets from the house to the barn.

No long runs outside. It's just that cold. Lauren and I did go on a short run and all I can say is wow. 

The outside fridges have become outside freezers. Nothing in them right now.

And as a side note, what there's not right now is underwear. Brooks has no underwear on under his pants. He's 3 years old and boycotting underwear. Even in this freezing weather. He's very passionate about this. Mama and Papa have to pick their battles. This may not be one of them? I’m merely a bystander.

So how are the kiddos? 

Brooks and I take Night Night walks in the dark
towards bedtime. He usually rides with either 
Sugar or Char in his lap. It’s been cold lately! 

We even walk up to the RR tracks and investigate.
Yes, Penny and Dutch tag along to watch 
over us on the Night Night walks.
Everything looks different in the dark.

Olive is growing by leaps. Lots of leaps. 
Eating real food. Making sounds.
6 months old now 🥰

I can imagine you may have your underwear on, even your long underwear on right now. Or maybe not. Either way, I hope you are staying warm and cozy. We will see this through. We always do.

Thanks for listening to my not-so-happy news, and know that all the hard things eventually turned into good news. After all, I can see 👁️ and I’ll get cancer treatment this year. And I'm hoping to report that all the farm animals make it through this freeze happy and healthy. And that you do, too.

Mucho love for all the goodness in our lives,

Cyndi

What a smart chicken looks like

What a cold chicken looks like 

What a not-cold chicken looks like.
She’s more cold-hardy than most.