5 gifts from cancer

 

#1 Learning and Growing

This is my biggie. How many times in life have I heard of others having cancer, going through treatment of some sort, others losing their life to cancer, while others in the midst of it as we speak. What I didn't know is what was really happening behind closed doors of others experiencing cancer. What's it like day-to-day, what is the financial burden, how was recovery from treatment/surgery, and how did the family members handle and support the affected loved one? So many questions that always ran through my mind, yet I was unsure how to ask personal questions because it seems so invasive and aren't they going through enough already? It reminds me a lot of FakeBook. Yeah, we're good! Getting through it. Now look, I'm done with treatment. 

So I'm learning all the secrets now. Granted, every case is a little different and each person's journey is their own. Overall, I've learned there's many stages. I've learned about the knowing of it, the processing of it, the initial doctor visits, the treatment options, the financial side of it and most importantly, the emotional side of it. I'm learning what it does to you, your spirit, your psyche, you. 

I've learned it's different for all of us. The ebb and flow of the emotions, and the decision that you make in your mind of setting an intention for the journey. So, I'm going to pack my bags full of hope, resilience, faith, love, grace and joy. Sometimes unexpected things show up in my suitcase like sadness, grief and pain. I welcome them along for the journey. What I know for sure is that what I choose to focus on is what's most important. I choose happiness. 

So while I learn and grow, and ebb and flow, I can say that each day has its own theme. I learn more some days and grow more others. 

#2 New Experiences

One example of a new experience cancer has brought us is that David (and I, by association/conversation) are experiencing what it takes to have radiation and chemotherapy. Now, David has a cancer classified as a Head and Neck cancer. Side note: there's a special ribbon color for that (maroon and creme - Gig'em Aggies) and Floor #10 at MD Anderson is the go-to place for all things Head and Neck. So, let's pretend we are David. He's going to have radiation daily Monday - Friday for 7 weeks starting Jan 11, 2021 (with chemo mixed in there, too). Each day, he'll go in and put his mask on. 

Fancy

This will keep his head still and in exactly the right position so the radiation can be administered consistently each time. Oh, and there's a mouth piece, too (I don't have a pic of it yet) which keeps his mouth, jaw and tongue in a particular (same) position to help protect his salivary glands from the radiation and also for positioning and keeping things still inside his mouth. This is all in hopes of reducing side effects of radiation. If your salivary glands get zapped too much, they stop working. Whomp whomp, as that means you can't make the saliva (spit) in your mouth to start breaking down food and get it down your esophagus. That's no bueno. We do not want that. 

Then, there's the radiation machine.

I'm just going to call it The Machine

Once you are dressed and ready, this is where the magic happens that works on killing cancer. Oh, and I almost forgot, there's a special creme for his skin he's supposed to put on under his mask. Not too much now, he says. You don't want to get the mask all gunky. They say put on a light coat. 

This is only one of the many new experiences we are about to embark on. We've already had the maiden voyage trip to MD Anderson, with a follow up for David to finalize all his football, I mean, radiation equipment. And now, the real trip will begin soon with many more experiences to come. We will travel back to Houston on Jan 10, 2021 for his covid test and then it all begins on Jan 11. I'm not an expert at this whatsoever, matter of fact I'm well before-the-term Rookie. I can't even call myself a Rookie at this point, I'm so inexperienced. I know so little, that I'll read this later and think to myself "Girl, you had no idea what was about to happen, or for that matter, what was even happening at all". Please take into consideration that my ignorance regarding this comes from lack of experience and 2nd hand information. Eventually, I'll reblog and likely make many corrections/additions about what happens inside the mask and machine. But I think my point is that we are embarking on new experiences, and I'm here to tell you all about it. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

#3 Picking my hard

Life is not easy, it will always be hard. Yet, I get to pick my personal "hard". For example, being in debt is hard. Being financially disciplined is hard. I get to choose my hard. Communicating is hard. Not communicating is hard. I get to pick that hard too. As I choose my hard, and you choose your hard, I know that letting my spouse pick his hards are going to be different than my hards. At a time like this, cancer brings new "hards" into a life that is already filled with hard things. We can do hard things, no doubt. Just which hard choices will I pick. I'll try to pick wisely. Cancer has shown me new and hard choices, not just the regular and normal ones I already had. I look forward to seeing what I pick. 

#4 Self-compassion

I've always been a huge fan of writing myself self permission slips. When I'm not writing myself a permission slip, I'm writing myself a memo. I do these mental things to allow myself some self-compassion. It helps me be a better partner, it allows me to be gentler with myself, and therefore generally gentler with those around me. And I've found when I live from the inner world inside me, the outer world transforms. I become a more truer version of myself. Cancer has given me the ability to understand that I crave a more truer version of myself. I have found it's given me a new vision to letting go of what no longer serves me and to grab ahold of what does. I found I had been living with a set of old memos I had issued myself. Unfortunately, sometimes we abandon ourselves to honor old memos, which really were society's arbitrary expectations for us, and in turn, I thought were real. Once cancer showed up, I reexamined these old memos and found that these memos were never my truth at all. I was always hustling to comply to those memos, and when cancer knocked at the door, I decided to throw them away and write myself a new set of memos that were no longer based on society's expectations or those around me's expectations. I now write permission slips to allow myself to be full of myself and trust myself. I write new memos to be strong in my own way, and not the way others would prefer. Cancer has amplified my voice, pushed me to live a life I desire to live, and give myself bus loads of self compassion along the way. I love writing new memos now that allow me to un-become and become all at the same time. I'll be revising them to keep working on the truer more beautiful version of myself. It's about surrendering constantly who I just was in order to become who this next moment calls me to be. I cannot hold on to the shore anymore, as I need to let go and go farther. Some of us are taught this with our individual situations whether it's a loss of a loved one, divorce, trauma, or you-name-it. But my personal teacher of this has been cancer. 

#5 Sunshine is all around

Did I mention how everything is clearer, brighter, more beautiful and sparkly? Taking a hard look at my own mortality is not something that has really ever been on my agenda. Ever. Once I was diagnosed, it zoomed to the top of my list of things to mull over. I found that once I came to terms with it, I could see the side of the deceased easier than the side of the living. Because once you're gone, you're gone. It's everyone who is left behind that has the hardest part. Then, you know what you need to do. Clean your own $hit up so that someone else doesn't have to - or at least try to. Make an effort, Cyndi. We don't get to pick our departure date. But you sure the heck can have some of your ducks in a row. That's better than not knowing where your ducks are at all. Isn't it ironic that several years ago I was blogging about Death Cleaning. I was certian, even then, that is was a thing. It's actually a practice we do here at the Graves Farm. No, we are certainly not the experts, but we do put in effort. We've rehomed many things recently (think couches, chairs, anything) and our favorite way of doing it is this:  Take it (whatever it is) down the gravel road and place it in/near the very front of the driveway and strategically place a Free sign on it. Seriously, it always gets picked up and we do not live on a busy road what-so-ever. We are sending things back into the world. Merry Christmas, my friends. Less clutter around the home is less chaos inside you. My material things own me, literally. The more I let go of them, the lighter I feel. Did I mention everything looks shinier, glittery and light.

Doing Things

Onward, as the list will grow and evolve, no doubt. For now though, let's talk about what happens at the farm when we are gone. To recap, the sheep: Grace, Brooklyn, Willow, LuLu and Belle are doing amazing! Our friends that have them, recently took Grace and Brooklyn to be involved in a Christmas Story Time event. The 5 ewes are so sweet and their family is enjoying them. That in itself makes my little sheep heart inside me, so very happy. 

Grace and Brooklyn out in the world
doing things

Then our 3 mini's are heading to be boarded with the farrier we use, Shannon. She will allow them to stay at her barn/stable for the duration of our trip to Houston. She also has a couple of mini horses, and is a true Horse Lady herself so we are beyond thrilled that she will care for our three little horses while we are away. And to boot, they will get their pedicures completed while we are away. Dora, Hope and Faith get picked up for their mini vacation (I think I'm funny sometimes) on Jan 3rd. 

The donkeys, you ask? We will have them in the pasture up by the pond. There's a barn there for them and before we go, we'll get them a special treat of a round bale of hay - all their own. They will do great there! They love passer buyers on the road, and although very few are on foot, the few that do roam by usually pet the donkeys. Mama and Papa are just extra special. Just to think 4 1/2 years ago we were blessed with these sweet (full size) donkeys and Levi and Whisper (livestock guard dogs). They are truly amazing animals that were not wanted by others and yet have been some of our greatest gifts in life. 

My emotionally fragile Whisper

Levi was not sure about Maybe though. 
That's such an old pic, I see baby donkey
in the background.  

Levi in relaxation mode and semi-retired. 
He's in fierce mode when the sun goes down.

This brother sister duo was weary of Maybe at first, as she looks a lot like skunk. And skunks do not survive if they cross the perimeter. Finally now though, Maybe can go out and about without fearing for her life. Sugar on the other hand has no trouble running straight up to Whisper and Levi as I think she really thinks she's one of them. 

Now, since Maybe and Sugar are going with us, that will leave Whisper and Levi to guard the chickens (as usual) and of course Winston. 

Old man with his little grey hairs

Winston is another gift from above, which
we are most grateful.
He's looking better nowadays.

Winston has access to the inner front yard and an insulated dog house to keep him warm and safe. He's slow moving and goes no where fast. Due to his arthritis (back leg injuries?), he gets a pain pill each day, and will continue to do so as a wonderful person will be coming to feed the dogs and chickens each morning and night while we are gone to Houston. Winston has shown us what resilience looks like. His loyalty was instantaneous and his love strong. I'm drawn to broken dogs (Sugar, Winston, Whisper) and find my bond with them is like no other. I told David recently of an idea I had about taking in 'senior' dogs without homes. I could call it The Sunshine Senior Resort. The bonus in our new friend/resident is that Winston isn't fast enough to catch a chicken, and fed enough to not want one. I want more Winston's around. Maybe one day. 

Now, that leaves one last thing.....the cleaning of the barn. We're pretty sure we have it figured out though, as we are still ironing out those deets. The eggs will still be collected and placed in the refridge for pickup, for those that buy from us - yet they will not be stamped with our logo while we are away. 

If there's one standard response I (we) give in regards to what we've been doing lately, it's Doing Things. Apparently, we say it often enough that our daughter, Lauren got us matching hats that say so.

Filters are great. We don't 
even look like us. 

Doing things is very applicable when living out here. There's never a shortage of things to do, and it just so happens that we like doing things. As we move through this holiday season, we've been blessed with some extra time to do extra things. We have been filtering through the garage, the barn, as well as the house. I even had a burn pile for 3 days straight. I've taken stuff up to the front by the road, and left it there for people, and the great thing is.....people always take the stuff. Others things we are doing include redesigning the chicken's area for easier cleaning, trying new barn floor shavings, cleaning out (and above) the tack room, placing all not-needed water buckets up, and minimizing The To Do List here at the farm, on a daily basis. Now, if we weren't leaving for 2 months, I may not have delved into a deep dive of all these things. The best part is that it will feel SO good when we arrive back home late February to have it all neat and trim and ready for us again. This is very similar to (remember when) we could have people over IN our house, and then we'd need to clean the house and get it ready for guests. It's cleaning in that kind of way, a way that surpasses our normal day-to-day cleaning. It's amazing how much we will clean and pick up when others are coming to our house. The slight difference for us is that it's not just the house, it's the barn too. And since I LOVE being in the barn, doing things there is fun. 

Among the usual doing things that we are doing also include the unusual things. We had a foundation company come and help us to determine what to do about the crack in the wall and door(s) not shutting. David had a colonoscopy. I had a mammogram. The not-so-fun things in life. One of the hardest things we've had to do is cancel all the holiday plans at our house, due in part as an attempt to keep David covid-free for the next 2 weeks before his treatment. With the weather so beautiful this Christmas season, it makes it even harder to not have family and friends over. We will see this through and will get to the other side just in time for the wonderful Spring weather and have everyone over.

To put a kink in things, because there always has to be a kink, is that David has an inguinal hernia. Or so we think anyway. He'll see a doctor about it tomorrow, and of course we are wondering what this all means in the grand scheme of things. With that unfortunate news, there's some good news on a different front. David had bought an antenna for the TV so we can try and get some local stations out in these parts. Ever since we told Direct TV to f-off, he's been using Sling (and other things) but is struggling to find local stations that show football fames, news and weather. He found it - right at Lowes. An antenna for less than $50.00 AND free.99 every month to grab free airwaves and bring them into our casa. And if Direct TV calls me again soliciting my business, you may find my rating as a customer (I hate it that businesses can rate US now) plummet. Luckily, not all businesses can rate us, but it's only a mater of time, right?

Brooks, Brooks, Baby

The Christmas holidays brought us an increase in Brooks holding time. He's 2 1/2 months now and although his mom and dad get no sleep, are slaves to his needs, and never eat their own food hot anymore - everyone is well. We've all been there, and somehow others keep doing it anyway. He's absolutely adorable and one can never get enough of the cuteness. Our hearts are full. 

Even he loves looking at himself, as 
much as we love looking at him. 

Keep being you, Brooks! There's no one in the world like you. If you're not you, who will be. 

  

As we all continue to make our way in this magnificent world, here's to a million deaths and rebirths of ourselves,

Cyndi

For My Sweet Lauren, and all moms out there:

Mama,

I can’t see past you right now, I’m so small and everything’s a little blurry.

All I see is you.

When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I’m here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren’t lonely for me.

You are my everything.

When you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re making it look easy to me. Even though we’re still getting to know each other, you know me better than anyone.

I trust you.

When you think some nights you’ll never sleep again, you will. We both will. But I’m scared right now. I promise I’m not manipulating you. I just need your smell and comfort. Do you feel that tug in your heart when we’re apart? I do too.

I miss you.

When you feel as if you’ve achieved nothing, please know, my cup has never been so full.

The days that get away on you will be some of my best memories of us playing together on the ground.

I love you.

When you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, when you turn away from the mirror. That face will be the one I look to when I achieve something, the one I search for in a crowd. The reason for my first smile.

You’re perfect to me.

When you feel like the weight of it all is heavy in your heart, please know I’ve never felt lighter. Can I lay here with you a little longer?

I won’t always need you like this.

But I need you right now.

When you feel as if you have nothing left to give, when I see your hands outstretched at me, pleading. When we’re both crying. I wish I could talk, but I can’t.

If I could I would tell you,

There’s a reason I chose you.

I can’t see past you right now mama, because you are my world.

It will get bigger, soon enough.

But for now,

All I see is you.

** Credit Jessica Urlich and her amazing poems, about mothers and their children. Thank you, Jessica.

More to that story

If I may, I'd like to add a little more color and contrast to the MD Anderson experience (from the last blog post). Since this new addition to the story was not my story to tell (yet), David has since said, "Yes, let's blog about my MD Anderson story now". And so, I shall. 

Let's rewind

It was back in August 2020 that I was diagnosed with a blood cancer called polycythemia vera. I had never heard of it, knew nothing about it and was quite surprised to know I had it. While at MD Anderson this past week, I saw an amazing hematologist oncologist that specializes in PV, by the name of Dr Verstovsek. He's the King of PV as many doctors and health care workers seek his knowledge regarding polycythemia vera. 

My intention was to talk to him about joining a clinical trial - and that I did. Dr V reviewed my medical history, asked many questions, and decided joining a study is best, as he said he's not ready for me to join a clinical trial (at this time) as he feels like the medications given during the trials (that are happening now) are not intended for me at this stage of my cancer. He said with time, they will be. But not right now. He said he feels like I still have other treatment options still available to me that might better serve me. 

What does the study mean? Well, essentially, I had 1001 vials of blood draw, a million lab values tested, my medical information loaded into their database, and a follow up to be completed every 3 months (for a while) and then maybe every 6 months eventually. If MD Anderson can find a cure, I really want to be a small part of it, if at all possible. And if anybody can do it - it's MD Anderson. I've seen their magic now. They are the DisneyWorld of cancer centers. The best. The bomb.com. They are the epitome of what it means to "make things happen". Their well-oiled machine allows them to operate at a high level to help cancer patients see doctors who are the best of the best. Heck, I wanted to just stay and work there. Instead, I'll visit here and there. Who doesn't want to go to DisneyWorld every 3-6 months!

But what about David?

Yes, well David had sinus surgery back in mid-November. He actually saw a ENT doctor at the ENT practice I work for. He had had a sinus infection which did not respond to antibiotics and steroids. He eventually had a sinus CT scan showing a blockage in his left upper sinuses, likely a polyp. While not everyone who has sinus surgery has polyps, some people do. Most people have sinus surgery for various reasons.....turbinate reduction, septum repair, sinus ballooning, among many other things going on in people's noses. Good news? Surgery went great! David's recovery went well, and he was able to breathe through both nostrils again and he bounced along loving his new open sinuses. 

So what's the dealio then

Protocol states that tissue (polyps, any resection inside the nose, etc) that's been taken out of the nose is sent as a specimen to pathology, if indicated by the surgeon. Often times, it's simply benign tissue and many people do not even know their sinus tissue was looked at by pathology. That's the person you want to be.

Fast forward to David living his best life, breathing well from both nostrils, sinus rinsing to encourage healing and doing all the things to give his nose a wonderful recovery. Not so bad after all, he thought. Lauren had a sinus surgery about 2 years ago now (minus the polyp and include a deviated septum repair for her) by the very same doctor - and still to this day, raves about the results. David joined that fan club. All was well.

Here's where the record scratch happens - it's loud and screeching. Remember listening to your 45's on the record player, singing along, dancing like no one is watching OR dancing like your on Soul Train and it's your turn to dance down the middle of the lines. I feel like dancing, yeah and then the big scratch happens, oh and add in a repeating skip in the record. Dang it, and I was so happy listening to that song. It's my favorite song.....the one called Beautiful Sunday by Daniel Boone. Hey, Hey, Hey, It's a beautiful day! 

You might as well change the record completely and don't start that same record over, because the news David received was quite the surprise. He would find out he has SNUC. That polyp turned out to be a tumor that was cancerous. It's called Sinonasal Undifferentiated Carcinoma. Wait, what? I've never heard of that, and I work in the ENT field. It's rare, we are told. And if you google it, you might feel like you need to sell all your belongings, check your Will, and go do those things you said you were always going to do. 

Panic sets in, no doubt. Confusion and sadness along with lots of googling that's never good for anyone. After he's given the doctor's recommendations of going to either Baylor or UTSW or MD Anderson, David picks MD Anderson. And in no time, we are there.

Now, there's lots going on in-between finding this news out and pulling up to MD Anderson. Let's see, there's talking about it, more talking about it, crying, being happy we found out now, deciding who to tell, deciding to tell no one, downsizing the farm, thinking of all the things we need to wrap up in life, making the calls for appointments at MDA, travel logistics, who will care for the farm as he'd need to be at MDA all week for PET scan, MRI, seeing this doctor and seeing that doctor, and I could go on and on. We had no idea what this diagnosis meant for sure, as only time would tell. But you can't help but think the worst. Yet, what do you realize the most? This isn't happening to someone else, it's happening to you. To David. To your own family. You see, it's always someone else getting the cancer. Someone else having chemo and radiation. Someone else trying to figure it all out. Now, it's your turn. Your turn to feel what this really feels like and go through the 1,001 steps to be seen by doctors who can help, to prepare yourself for treatment, and figure it all out. It's the holidays, how does that play into it? We were supposed to help Lauren with Brooks while she went back to work. It was like tossing your life in the air, and seeing where it would all land. We landed at the door step of MDA with us BOTH having appts that week. I was on the 8th floor while David was on floor 10. It was an adventure that we will never forget. We were both seeing amazing doctors, we were both being covid tested to get through the door, and although no family (only patients) can get inside the buildings at MDA, we walked through the doors together. What a blessing it was. What a gift to be there. There's no better Christmas gift for a cancer patient. MDA is the present you want to unwrap. 

Why MDA?

So when you're diagnosed with cancer, it's time to get an oncologist (unless you have one already). It's time to have labs, a PET scan, maybe other imaging, a medical oncologist, other types of oncologist, a oral surgeon/dentist to check your teeth if you are having radiation, and other providers depending on your circumstances. Like a radiation oncologist and a chemo oncologist, plus a few other appts that have probably slipped my mind. So if you go to UTSW or Baylor, you'll likely see 3 different oncologist on three different days, head to Lab Corp for labs, go to an imaging center for scans, and find a DDS in your insurance plan that can help with pre-clearance for radiation. In other words, you are your own Care Coordinator, and that's fine - don't get me wrong. There are MANY wonderful places to be treated for cancer that do a amazing job. Or, another option is you can go to MDA and it's all under one roof, whereby all the providers talk to each other as a collaborative health care team making decisions about your care - together. MDA has what they call a tumor conference on Thursday nights where the pathologist, radiologist, all the oncologists involved, the pathologist, etc all sit in one room and watch as the slides of your medical records are presented on a large screen for all to see and review (by the Fellows at MDA). The Fellows do ALOT there. They know ALOT. After your case is presented to the board, they make their recommendations. Pretty sweet, huh. Easy peasy. You check your portal, MyChart for updates, your appts, your results, etc. Yes, it's in Houston. No, you won't be at home for treatment. But what we have learned is that the FIRST time you have treatment is the most important and imperative time to be at a facility that knows what they are doing. Now, UTSW, Baylor, Texas Oncology ALL know what they are doing and are here in town. They are great! Yet, we picked MD Anderson as David feels like his best chance is with them. And that's what it's all about. It's about the patient picking what works best for them and serves them well. After all, it's their body, their decisions and ultimately, their consequences. 

How did it go?

Smooth as butter. They make the appts. You show up. They schedule all the imaging, labs and things. You show up. They all talk about it together. You find out. They do this every day and know what they are doing. And not only that, it's a health care team who day in and day out know cancer. They work as a team, and communication is their staple. It's all under one roof. There's parking. There's also apartments to rent all around the area. And most importantly, when it comes to your life, you want to see the people who see it every day. They know what to do, how your feeling, and never once do you get an idea they don't know what their doing. It's peace, pure peace at a time when your soul is in complete chaos.  

What's next, my friend?

Oh goodie! David went back to MDA this week and was fitted for his mouthpiece, mask and had his practice radiation. The fun never stops. I never knew you had to practice the radiation. I'm learning so much! And then, it'll really fire up on Jan 11, 2021 when (we) go back for his treatment to actually begin. It's going to look like this: Every week day, radiation. Side effects, yes. Once a week, chemo is given. Side effects, yes. This will happen for 7 weeks. We'll rent an apartment again, and live there until they tell us we can go back home. DisneyWorld will unfortunately turn into a Haunted House for awhile. This is the unknown. And as humans, we are generally scared of the unknown. We, like millions of people around the world, will move through this. We are not the first in the line for this ride, nor will be the last. We are merely experiencing what so many people have already. We are just like the others, trying to figure out how to do this. How to make it all work. How to live life and try to rid yourself of cancer. David gets that chance, and has the privilege of going to MDA for that chance. No one gets the guarantee, nor do we expect it. Okay, we do expect it. And we will give it our best shot. Or better yet, the best radiation/chemo shot. 

What are the chances?

I can't even begin to answer the question of how David and I were both diagnosed with cancer within a 3-4 month period of each other. Different cancers, different diagnosis. and different treatments. Both considered rare cancers, to boot. Even though it doesn't make sense, that's just it. These things that happen to us in life don't have explanations. It's the story written for us. God will see us through as our trust and faith is strong. We each have an uninvited guest visiting us, and how we handle our new visitor(s) is key. Please, come on in. Make yourself at home. How may we assist you? We will continue to pray, ask for grace, try and give grace as much as we are able, and lean on our family and friends. It's not a good time to disappear into life, it's a good time to rejoice, celebrate life and share our experiences. Thanks for coming to DisneyWorld with us. I hope you like Haunted Houses, too.

With love,

Cyndi

I'm accepting questions at this time. First up, what about the farm? 

We have decided to downsize the farm a little bit while we figure things out. Coinciding with all this action, is that the guard dog pup's batteries on their underground fence collars went out, and the pups kept getting out of the pasture. The sheep decided to push through a part of the fence and mayhem ensued. This is exactly what happens on a farm. Weird and unusual things at unexpected times. David and I made the decision to place the guard dogs, Marley and Lucy on CraigsList to find a new place to guard sheep/goats. Within 24 hours, I had people requesting already-trained guard dogs for their sheep/goats, and so they left us pretty quick. I may need to start a business doing that, as people love guard dogs who are already trained for sheep and goats. Anyway, that leaves the sheep who decide to become escape artist. It's not the first time, mind you. Sheep are puzzle solvers and a fence is their puzzle. We can't have this while we are out of town for a couple of months, so we reached out to some friends with a farm and they kindly agreed to take our sweet sheep. They let us know we can have them back, if we so desire, after we are back home and settled. But for now, the 5 ewes are now taking residence in Anna. We drove them out there and saw their barn. Wow, the sheep are in sheep haven there. That's one nice barn they have. So the downsizing has begun so that we can handle our business at hand. At this time, no one else is on the blocks to leave the property. All the farm animals are on high alert to make sure they do not leave their assigned areas.......or else. Aint' got time for that when I'm not here to chase you down. 

But what about Sugar and Maybe, your house dogs?

They are coming with. We took them both with us to the apartment that we rented the first week we went to MDA. They did very well and make a great team. Maybe and Sugar both adapt well to wherever we are.

Where are we

Okay, we're all good in this warm sun

And will y'all work?

I'll be working, and take my computer with me. David will work for a week or two, and then from what we understand, he'll down for the count until after his treatment is done. It's really hard to say, as it'll depend on how he's feeling. Since we are first-timers at radiation/chemo, I'll think we'll both see how it goes as far as work is concerned. TBD. But we are going to try to work, as much as each of us can, and plan on staying at an apartment close to MD Anderson. 

Who will care for the farm?

I've secured a young lady who has cared for our farm animals on previous vacations and such. She does an amazing job. We've had multiple friends say they will do this, but in the grand scheme of life, it's hard to make time to come over morning and night, plus keep the barn clean. Therefore, we would rather pay to have this task completed, and not burden friends with chicken poop and egg collection. It's not as glamorous as it sounds. 

In summary, we are in the initial stages of this excitement. What to do, where to go, who will care for the farm, will David blog? So many questions. I have a feeling there's more Q&A sections to come in the upcoming blog posts. Buckle up, the rollercoaster is ticking up the first ramp. 

So many nuggets

 

Baby on Board

This sign (you know the one, yellow with black letters, on the back window of the car in front of you) first arrived at my house recently, as Lauren/Brooks have been staying with us in Gunter for the last couple of weeks. While this is a blessing for us, it's not because it was Lauren's plan. Unfortunately, she had a complication from the birth of Brooks which made it more difficult for her to move around and care for Brooks. Lauren would need to rest and recover, all while Team Us helped take care of Brooks, along with Lauren, of course. Lauren was able to take care of Brooks as much as she possibly could, but additional help was required for a period of time. Good news for us though! We have had lots of Brooks-time these last few weeks. And we loved it!

Post-bath

We were able to give many bathes, have quality time (even during the night) rocking and feeding him, we would go for walks in his carrier (esp to the barn), and assisted giving bottles. Lots of bottles! He's growing up so fast, and will be 8 weeks on Wednesday. 

He loves sheep, like we all do around here.

I'm happy to share that Lauren has healed, and is up and on the move again. It took her whole 8 weeks maternity time off to get there, but she did it! Lauren is now back to work (today) and luckily Ryan will be able to watch Brooks this week while Lauren (works from home) and is back to work. I'm happy to say that Lauren, Ryan and Brooks are all doing well, and creating a new life for themselves. Although, now we have asked them to stay in Gunter a little longer.......

What did you say?

Yes, I mentioned that Lauren is back to work, and Ryan is watching Brooks - yet it's all in Gunter - for now. Why is that you ask? Because even though David and I were supposed to be watching Brooks this week, we had a change in plans. I've been fortunate to be able to go to MD Anderson this week to visit with a doctor for a clinical trial regarding polycythemia vera. MDA will evaluate me and see if I qualify for a clinical trial here. We will see what this brings, and if it is something that is meant for me. I'll continue to update the progress of this as it evolves. For now, we will spend the week in Houston and learn what MD Anderson is all about! I'm hoping to learn more about this blood cancer and what it means for me - and all the other mutant warriors out there (PV patients have a JAK2 mutation). If I can be involved in a clinical trial that helps with research and a cure, I'm all in.  

In the meantime, Lauren and Ryan are staying in Gunter to take care of our farm, while we are in Houston. I should be back (maybe) Wednesday.....but we'll see how it goes. We may be here all week, as it depends on what testing they may require. We are staying in the Med Residence apartments next door to MDA, and it's really nice here. There are lots of opportunities regarding cancer research, treatments and AMAZING doctors here. It's a well oiled machine at MDA, and touches so many peoples lives every day. I'm thrilled to be seen by a doctor here, even if I don't qualify for the clinical trial. It will be a learning experience for sure. 

My yeses and no's are aligned

Yes to more chickens, no to more work. Yes to taking in a stray dog, no to unneeded things around the farm. Yes to downsizing and no to keeping junk I don't need. Yes to selling eggs and no to things that don't serve me. I always have more things I could discard. It's like an ongoing game to Keep or Throw Away. Keep what's needed or loved - and throw away the rest. Sounds easy but takes forever, it seems. 

Yes, it would seem that more chickens = more work. But with the chicken food feeders David has made, it's a game changer. Less work. I've rearranged the barn to make it easier to clean. That helps. Yes to Winston, who is not just surviving, but thriving. He's such a treat to have around! He's an old guy, whose grateful and loyal as well as an example of how to live your best life after living in such harsh conditions. 

Winston is now allowed to roam more and more. He doesn't run fast or far, as he can't. We watch him closely for chicken chasing, but he's just not physically able to do too much. He prefers to be around us when possible, and showed interest in a dog toy for the first time recently. He's down to 2 meals a day, plus a pain pill each day. The Vet said he will need daily pain meds as he's got terrible arthritis in his back hind legs/hips that cause him to fall to the ground easily due to his unsteadiness. We were able to have him neutered, and the place the Vet thought was a gun shell was actually a calcified cyst that the Vet was able to take out (while he was under anesthesia). I'm happy to report he's doing well!

Horse Play

More good news! Faith recovered from her colic and is doing wonderful. All three mini's have grown their winter coats and look so cozy. They are friendly, happy and readily allow my touch. Esp Dora, who has become my snuggle bug, wanting pets and attention. After her baby Diego (aka Biter) left the farm, Dora has turned into the sweetest thing ever. And then to make all things even better, Hope and Faith have grown their trust towards people, and are being receptive to outsiders. It's so wonderful to see these 3 mares change and evolve. I'm happy that they are so happy. 

Sweet Dora

Faith (Hope nearby though!)

Hope and Faith are attached. They are attached not only because they are mama/daughter, but also because they went through such hard times together, that bonded them even more. They look out for each other at all times. Dora may be the "outsider" with these 2 mini's, but the 3 of these girls do well overall. They keep things exciting around here, and are growing more trusting all the time.

Chicken bonanza 

For real, I found a lady in Van Alstyne selling her entire flock of laying hens for $3 each. Upon further investigation, this lady's chickens were in immaculate shape and stunningly beautiful. And the fact they were hens and laying eggs made the deal sweeter. I bought 4 naked neck/turkins and 4 americanas from her and loved them so much, I went back and bought 3 wyandottes and 2 cinnamon queens ("comets"). They are all in such wonderful shape, it really prompted me to reevaluate my own living conditions for my chickens. I can always do better, and decided I'd step up my chicken game.

Giving the swing a try

I cleaned the mirror they love to look at themselves in, I cleaned their dust bathe area completely and added new dirt and sand. I moved their roosting area to a place I could clean underneath easier and added several wood ladders with round rungs just the right size for their little chicken feet to roost on. The new chicken feeders (David made) create less waste and less mess. And I added more roosting room for them, so night time is never a fight to get the 'best spot' now. I upped my chicken game. Here's some of my new girls that inspired me to be better:

The ameraucana's have the cutest faces and lay
easter eggs - as all their eggs are green-blue
and just simply beautiful (the chickens and their eggs). 

The 3 wyandottes are so beautiful, they know it.

The turkens will not win the Chicken Beauty 
Pageant, but they are the sweetest things. 

Thank you, David for these chicken feeders 💕

So how many chickens do I have now? Let me do a little chicken math. Let's see, I have my 10 little silkie and frizzles........

5 silkes and 5 frizzles over here

Plus the 1 new brahma chick a friend gave me the other day ("Here, take one!") as it sat in my lap unexpectedly on the car ride home (no pic yet of it, it's brand new). Okay, that's 11, right? Plus my original 34 big girls I already had, plus the 4 turken's + 3 wyandotte's + 4 ameraucana's + 2 "comets' MINUS the fact I gifted a family friend 4 of my amazing $3-chicken-finds (she got 1 of the wyandotte, 1 of the ameraucana and also gave her the 2 "comets" because she loves those too). ** Side note: I love to share my chickens with my fellow chicken-lady friends. It's almost like a 10 year old boy with baseball trading cards. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention 2 of my teenager blue Orpingtons were roosters (they were given away promptly) and my lavender Orpington just up and disappeared one day. I need to put all that in the equation. 

So back to the chicken math: 10 + 1 + 34 + 13 - 4 - 2 -1 = 51 

But what's weird about this is when I count my chickens at night when they are staying still and roosting.....I count 50. Ugh. No wait, maybe I didn't count the new baby brahma given to me. Or did I? Ooof. Anyways. I have around 50 chickens - and love them dearly. One of my Ideal 236's I've named Moon Pie who loves to be loved. I named one of the turkens Long Neck and she follows me around everywhere. So they mostly all get named eventually. More pics next time, as I'm in Houston I'm unable to go out and snap the ones I want to put in my blog. Next time though, I'll include Moon Pie and Long Neck. 

 

Maya Angelo once said: "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." 

I did just that with my chickens recently, and continue to try and live my life like that as well, Maya. Sometimes I don't know better. But when I do, I should act on that. #trying

Alright, My Friends 

I'm trying to call myself out on my own $hit in order to grow over here. Whether it's caring for my chickens or being a better triage nurse at work. I've had a turning point (another corner, geez) for me, all while turning 57 years old this past November.  57 enlightened me that the 3 people I am most grateful for are who I used to be, who I am now, and who I'm becoming. I need them all. I don't always like them all, but that's what spurs me to grow. While I really just want to be a woodland creature living life with my neighbor goose next door and my only worry is whether or not my owl friend is going to pop by today and say hello. That's not my life. If asked what I want to do today? I'd reply with go hike the Appalachian Trail or go pick up at where I left off just outside NY and finish my trek on down to Florida. Maybe it's just that I want to be outside moving my body in some form or fashion. I think with the covid vaccines on the horizon, I'm going to make my way out in the world again. And so will most everybody else, thank you God. But first, let's see what MDA has to say.

Lastly.....

Oh, and since winter is here, the heated water buckets are going out. All animals shelters are double checked. Barn doors are shutting. Mowers are prepped for the winter and placed in the back of the garage. Bird feeders are filled. Hummingbird feeders are down. Water spouts covered. Winter feels good, and Maya, I'll continue to do better.

Stay close to people who feel like sunshine,

Cyndi

Brooks doesn't know it yet, but big sis Tula
has her eye on him. Tula is patiently
awaiting her first pet from her brother. 

Where did the time go

 I could have sworn I could put my thoughts into words these last few days. But no, it didn't work out. Our sweet Lauren has come over with Brooks for a stay at the Graves BnB due to a complication from her recent birth of Brooks. David and I are trying hard to help out the best we can, while she tried to recoup and recover. This week, yes, this week I'll need to place some words from my mind into the computer. It's what soothes my soul.........until then......

Brooks is very excited about my new chickens

Loving my naked neck girlz

Work has taken on a new look

More to come here, as we do happen to be making a few changes. Winter's here, so it's what we do.

Hugs, 

Cyndi

Finders Keepers

 

☮  2020 is coming to a close in a couple of short months. For the farm, it's been business as usual mostly. For us, we've adapted to masks, new rules, safety being a priority and understanding that 2020 has brought out the worst in people - and the best in people. We have all struggled and we have all persevered. We have all gone through all these same things together, but just in different places. The feeling of collective support feels good. No one is left out of this covid fun we live. I have to say it's fun to keep reminding myself it is what I make it. David and I make it as fun as possible. After fun, it's definitely a lot of learning. I'm grateful we are all here going through it together. 

New Edition

Brooks has certainly been a bright spot in our 2020. His sparkle and shine are contagious. He'll be 1 month old this coming week. We are blessed that he's doing well, and equally importantly, that Lauren and Ryan are making it through the newborn transition and into the next arena of more stability. 

Out in the world with Brooks

The happy couple heads to the store while
Nana holds down the fort.

Our happy place together 💙

Lauren and Ryan are doing wonderful and the usual things that new parents do of figuring out how to "go out" with your baby. Whether it's a car ride, a visit to the doctor or maybe even a trip to a store/mall - it's all new and different with an unpredictable little one. Freedom to get out and about with a newborn brings new challenges, but also brings a certain feeling of normalcy back into a once home-bound newborn phase. Ahhhh, the learning never stops. I remember it so well. 

Fancy hair already

1 week old / 3 week old

Sir Winston

Do you ever watch The Dodo on instagram and wonder what it's like to rescue a neglected dog? A dog who has been living on its own, malnourished and scared? David and I came upon this exact opportunity a couple of weeks ago. I was driving back from Sherman to Gunter, and saw a dog on the side of 289 wandering into traffic and back off the road. Without a thought, I pulled over. I could see he was not able to run away from me, and in fact, was asking me for help. He was skin and bones, seemingly hurt on his back right leg and weak. He caved into my arms, and willingly went into my truck. He stunk, was matted, and exhausted with nothing left. It was 2 Sunday's ago that this fateful event happened - and although still not at a peak point, he's so much better. He appears to be an irishwolfhound-aussie-lab (?) mix whose mostly black with silver eyebrows/facial hair. 

Time to work on gaining some weight, bud

David named him Winston, and we begin with 5 meals a day. We used our portable fencing to make him an area of his own, along with an open crate to sleep in. Inside the crate, we placed two chicken warmers and plenty of towels to help keep him warm. He had no reserves to keep himself warm, and the night we got him, the cold rains came. Unable to keep himself regulated, we did it for him. He was a long way from healthy with runny poo and very little energy. His bark was weak. He begin a regimen of lots of catch-up sleep, pumpkin puree and yogurt with his dog food which all enabled him to turn a corner. But it took a couple of weeks, as I did load him in the car initially to have the Vet take a look at him. The Vet basically said 'if he lives, then we'll........'. So I took him back home to see if he would make it. He did. Next up? Get him fixed. He's an approx (per the Vet) a 8-10 year old male - still intact. As a (try to be) responsible dog owner, he needs to be fixed. Whether he stays with us or finds a home - being neutered is a must. It's likely not possible for him to be someone's dog and find his home, as the Vet said she thinks he's been living on his own, rummaging for food for a long time. He was at a breaking point when I came across him. We were meant to be that day, as I feel he was placed in my path.

This video is of us getting him settled into a holding space, while Levi was supervising, and you can hear Tula in the background barking (at the donkeys as usual, it's her favorite pastime). All while Winston is taking it all in and just happy to be there. Like he's finally home. 

On a brighter note, today was a big day for Winston! His poo is starting to form into real looking poo. We introduced him to Lucy and Marley with the sheep, in case we decide to have him stay and live here (which is highly likely). That's where he'd likely be on a more permanent basis. Winston is all about the chickens and not in a good way. I imagine he had to find his own food for a long time, and that might have been part of his plan in his former life. The Vet also said he has a slug in his right hip area, and encapsulated by scar tissue, so I'm thinking at some point, he's been shot. The Vet will see if he's healthy enough this Thursday to get neutered, and we may have that removed while they have him sedated?

Overall, he's a sweet old man dog who can't run too much and certainly not fast. This senior guy may have his final days here. I can't imagine who we could rehome him to? So for now, he's still in recovery-mode here on the Graves Farm. He's easy, enjoys his fenced area and crate. He has just enough room to roam in it, and spends a lot of his time watching the chickens in the periferiary. 

His "trial run" up with the sheep/Lucy/Marley looked something like this, as the sheep were unsure of this new visitor.......almost like they were watching a tennis match.

Lucy protected the sheep, while Marley made sure Winston knew she was Boss Lady. After 3 hours up there running around, acclimating and getting to know everyone, Winston was brought back to his familiar "home" and super-happy to be back in it. He laid down and was exhausted from that adventure. He's not ready for all that just yet. That was merely a taste to what life is like with the sheep. 

If anyone needs me....

Envision a Friday night, just off work and you're ready to relax. A walk to the barn to feed everyone quickly showed me that would not be the case for me - or the Vet on-call. 

Faith should not be doing this 😟

Okay, so I see Faith separated from Hope and Dora in their pasture. I see Faith lying down, head down. I see her rolling violently around the ground - and upon my prompting to stand, standing like she's going to do the splits. I suspect colic. A quick call to the Vet, and before we knew it, they were at the farm trying to see what they can do to help. Colic and Horse = Badness. 

The Vet and her trusty assistance came to the farm that Friday night and saved the day! Although not anyones optimal Friday night, they did save her life. Medication, IV fluids and lots of good advice about what to do next (after they leave and the next day, and so on) put Faith back on track. Although there's no good explanation about how these things happen, what I know for sure is they never happen at a good time. Or is there a good time for a horse to have colic? David did make us all hot chocolate, and brought it to us in the barn. Much appreciated! 

Faith slept in the barn that night, with molasses in her water, hay given in warm water to encourage fluids - and this went on all weekend, along with banamine (medication) to help decrease the swelling in her belly. By Monday, Faith was back in the swing of things and feeling better. Whew, never a dull moment.

Louder for the chickens in the back

Good news y'all! Listen up, for all you chickens who are not allowed first dubs at fresh feed, there's something special in store for you. Fresh feed. Thank you, Ashley P for sending me this idea, and thank you David for making it happen. 

Chicken feeder in process

There's several goals with this new chicken feeder. One, to have less chicken food waste. Chickens are masters at scratching at their food and knocking it everywhere. Two, to allow all chickens to have the same fresh food. Unfortunately, pecking order is a real thing and those deemed less fortunate by the higher-ups are relegated to leftovers. It's the way of the chicken world, peeps. Doesn't mean it's right, so as human beings, we can help all chickens have access to the same food. But really in the grand scheme of things, it's less feed waste and I'm all about that. 

Ah yeah, help yo self

David is the Best Lamb Dad no doubt but he dabbles in the world of Awesome Chicken Man who happens to be married to Chicken Lady #1,094,583. Did you know there were more than 1 million chicken ladies? Truth. And did you know Nov 4 is/was National Chicken Lady Day? Yuppers. Truth, my sister, and I'm over here killing it. 

Poppy checking out the swing

Yes, we even have Graves Chicken Farm merch

I believe all chickens should have access to a chicken swing and don't forget a mirror for them. It's one of their favorite things to do, is sit in front of their big mirror and dust bathe. Now the mirror gets so dirty as you can imagine, but they never complain. 

These long PVC pipe chicken feeders are 
also great - which David made as well 💖

A good nights sleep is everything

This should be on my gravestone. I won't have one, as I prefer cremation, but if I did, please put that on it. We all feel better with sleep. It heals everything. Literally everything from illness to kitchen grazing (because you're tired) to emotional stability. I'm much more tolerable with sleep. I do have some favorite sleep pics to share though.

Night Night Sweet Cheeks

Hint, that's not Maybe's bed

Not Maybe's bed either

Tula's favorite place, with no bed needed
She's temporarily re-homed with us
while mom and dad settle in with baby

Wherever it is, sleep is a necessity. I've slept in some really strange places in my life, but one things for sure. I can sleep. My own Nanny used to tell me that one of the things she's most thankful for in life, is that she could sleep. Insomnia is a &itch from what I hear. 

Lucky for me, I am given the opportunity to be with little Brooks a couple of times a week to allow Lauren and Ryan to get some much-needed sleep at night. It's such a special time of life, when they are so tiny and need you so much. So what if it's the middle of the night. That's easy for me to say, because when I go back home, I get to sleep again. As Brooks and all the other millions of babies finding their sleeping schedule, and then redoing it to trick mom and dad, it's fun for me to get to enjoy that special time. Besides watching a sleeping baby, my next favorite thing is to watch my dogs sleep and rest. And now, Winston (who got a new real dog bed today) gets to rest and sleep in a safe place. He is loved, and I really do think he feels it. Our sheep can rest/sleep because of Lucy and Marley's sacrifice every night. The chickens sleep because of Levi and Whisper's diligence all night long. We are so fortunate that while some sleep - others protect. 

And the fact we have a safe place ourselves with electricity, roof over our heads, food to eat and lots of love - it's really all we need. 

And one last random thing to mention, when your (adult) child has a child, it's a weird circle-around of everything they once did.......coming back to them. I felt it happen when I had a child and my mom had that funny smirk on her face. Like she knew I was going to get all the paybacks I deserved. Now I'm wearing that same smirk. It looks a lot like my moms did, knowing my own Lauren will have a Brooks who will travel that same road of what child rearing is and reap all those same 'benefits'. Wink, wink. I've always loved watching what I call The Movie of Lauren. It's a wonderful thing raising a child. But this newest remake of The Movie of Lauren is just as great, esp watching it from the eyes of Nana. It's going to be a great movie, I just know it, staring a new cast member, Brooks. 

Better go get my popcorn,

Cyndi

No truer words have been spoken