During this time of adjustment to the care and upkeep of many farm animals, I've discovered many new things about myself. The last couple of years have been growing years for me. I've learned how to handle new situations more confidently, how to stay calm and make more appropriate decisions, and esp the ability to be compassionate regarding what other people are going through in life. So that's a big leap. From learning to care for a farm to a heightened self-awareness of other's feelings. I cannot take the credit for it. The only credit I can take is the ability I've been granted to be open to these experiences. It's God who has placed these experiences in front of me, for me to then pick up, observe and contribute positively to. What am I talking about? It's complex, and has taken even myself time to figure out it's happening.
In the last few years, there's many people in my life who have situations happening to them (as we all do, really). But some of these have made a greater impact on me, than others. Why? Because I have been able to closely relate to their feelings and have a greater understanding of the big picture. I have large, and small examples. But the few examples I'll illustrate, are the bigger events that help me understand there's many more I may be missing.
It starts like this. Like many, many families in this world, a member of my extended family had become addicted to alcohol, years ago. An Alcoholic, if you will. This is a cruel disease with little understanding for those who do not have it. I was the usual family member who desired to help and assist where I could. But in time, our family realized this disease must be managed by the affected person, with support from their loved ones. Everyone in the family had their own thoughts about how best to help. Jump in, stay away, watch from afar, give money, give emotional support, etc. But none of us could ever truly feel her pain of the addiction. What's it like to be addicted to anything? To be called in life by only one thing: Alcohol. It makes all your decisions for you. What's it like to not have enough willpower strong enough to beat it? Is there enough willpower to even overcome it? The myriad of complexity of finding success in beating any addiction cannot be put into words, as willpower cannot solve it alone.
Years later, unknowingly related, I was granted a compulsion to eat sweets. I don't just mean, "I want a cupcake", as I've always had a sweet tooth. Always. I mean MUST EAT SWEET, SUGAR THINGS NOW. AND EAT MORE AND MORE. I can't say how it began, but it did. My 'take-away' from that period of time that this was happening was: 1) Something is wrong with me because I can't say NO, and my impulse is too strong to stop myself. Who am I? 2) Is this a phase? I thought I was on-track of controlling my behavior with sweets. What's happening? and, 3) I was able to recognize that there was a problem, and this was different. My inability to control myself was gone. Numbing and comforting turned into obsessive, uncontrollable and shameful behavior.
And it was in that moment, I could FINALLY relate to the addiction my family member suffered. I understood in that moment, the inability to say No. There is no stopping yourself. There is only regret after it's done. Now, I do realize this is nothing like addiction to drugs and alcohol. Yet, this on-going experience was able to help me understand the "force" of addiction and how saying No is impossible. It was only cupcake (that always led to another, and another), but I know there's others who will say, "it's only one drink". Which leads to another. And another. The compulsion is there, with regret and shame coming to visit soon after.
Thank you, God, for putting this experience in front of me to give me a better understanding of how it must feel. I may never know exactly how it feels, but I now have a vivid understanding and feeling of how it might feel. And just that window into that particular feeling helps me find greater compassion and empathy for others with addiction. For a moment in time, I felt it. I really did. I get it now.
Then, another life-event happened in my life. A few years back, I was chosen to be blessed with a close encounter of a particular cancer, in which testing and oncology visits were required. Waiting time to hear results, discussions of what-could-be-next for me, prognosis, and life-changing words from the oncologist brought to life the feelings that millions of people also hear every day. Without going into too much detail, I will summarize it by saying it brought life to my life. How valuable our lives are. How quickly it can be taken away. The cloud that follows you, until you know a "yes or no" that things are okay. I remember sitting next to others in the oncologist office waiting room, looking at those struggling around me. Feeling their feelings. I remember sitting in the Infusion Room, knowing those around me were truly fighting cancer the best they could. I was merely getting a Iron infusion to assist with my situation. They were fighting for their lives. It brings a lump to my throat even now, and a tear in my eye. Yet, God put me there so I could feel their feelings, and understand others and what they are going through. And test me, to give me the opportunity for a test-run on what to do when tragedy strikes. I thought all the thoughts, I went through all the motions, and my "take-way" at the time was: Having a set amount of time left to live is a blessing. It is. It allows you to set your path. I would have never learned this without this experience. Thankfully, my diagnosis did not end with a expiration date. But I learned not be afraid of death. I learned what others felt, and how different we all look at life when given a time frame. And I enjoy talking to others with cancer and sharing our stories. When we survive any degree of cancer - or cancer scares - we are then able to help others know it's going to be okay, when it happens to them. We can tell each other, "It's going to be okay", even when we're not sure it is. Those words are priceless.
And my last example that I've been blessed with, is the ability to relate to my running-across-the-US partner, John. We had to cut our last trip short due to a health issue with his inability to swallow well. He had been struggling with this, and it got worse on our last attempt to run across the US (north to south, this time). We did not know what the etiology was, yet only knew it was impeding his ability to eat and drink. He went home to get some rest and see about getting better. I did the same, as I was not going to be staying out on the road alone, per a promise I had made to my family - and myself. I never delved into this throat swallowing issue much further, until it happened to me. Last Saturday, matter-of-fact. God works in ways I cannot explain. I was eating at a restaurant, and choked on something. Long story short, whatever it was, scratched my esophagus, and boom, misery began. It became extremely difficult to swallow, and to make things worse, I developed strep throat days later, as a coincidence. Double whammy! After antibiotics, an EGD, and other misc medications to help my irritated and inflamed esophagus, I'm struggling to swallow as these combinations of events begin to heal. Yet, now I know how John felt! I've once again been blessed to know what it's like. Otherwise, I was bouncing along in life without a clear understanding. Now I know. It's as if someone hit me with a stick, and said, "This is how it feels, silly girl".
Over and over, I have so many examples where I've been better able to understand the feelings of others, what they are going through, and how they may be feeling at a deeper level than ever before. My husband mentioned to me, "Maybe you are just open to it now". And he's right. I'm open to acknowledging that these events are happening, and how they relate to life and others. I have been so caught up in my own world, that I've been blessed with events that snap me out of it, so that I can relate to others on a deeper level. It's not about me, it's about me relating to others in a wholehearted way. It's about others, their feelings, their needs and their inter-most thoughts, fears and dreams. I'm so grateful to have experiences that move me in that direction, to living a life filled with more compassion and empathy. I must move through it so that I am able to see others moving through theirs. It's almost like living outside of yourself. Outside of your own body, and looking objectively at what's happening around us. It's as if I'm on a different plane of energy in life now. That, or I'm just aging, getting older, and maybe a little wiser. And, open to what's happening around me. To be able to acknowledge events, and find deeper meaning in them, has been a gift I'm happy to open.
Here's to unfortunate incidents that make us better people,
Cyndi
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Cock-a-doodle-doo
It's true. One of the aforementioned white, beautiful cornish hens (who David has Big Green Egg plans for) is cock-a-doodle-dooing. Those two sweet hens were already on their way to the smoker because they are meat-chickens, and I mean they are meaty. But to make things worse, one (Daisy) is singing a song a rooster would sing. You know the Sheriff's rule......No Roosters.
What's interesting is that this "hen" - who may be a rooster - is non-aggressive. It's not rooster material, and it does not have protective tendencies that roosters have. It acts like a hen. David and I have both heard of hens who make the cock-a-doodle-do type of sound, or at least it says so in my Chicken Book. So since this particular chicken is not aggressive and seems to get along with everyone, "it" has privileges to stay, for now. It's already bad enough that Daisy is destined for the smoker, but to be even considered a rooster is "life-changing" - if you know what I mean. I do not have the heart to say "yes" to sending these two meat chickens to the smoker. We have never done that, and that's not the kind of farm we are. I'm not saying it will never happen, but if my vote counts, it's to 'live and let live'. Daisy and Lily are allowed into the barn/coop quarters at night, and have a routine to free range (because we make them do so) during the day. They are not natural forgers, and just prefer to hang out instead. All our other egg laying chickens free range willingly. They love it! It's natural to them. But Daisy and Lily are not that - and this is new to us. Which is why we have contemplated what to do. The answer? We keep them as they are. They follow me around the yard, and are curious creatures. My gentle giants have a place on the farm.
How is the positive dog training coming along? Tula, Lauren's visiting puppy, is doing well with it. She'd do even better if I was more of a master at the positive training. Tula and I go every Sunday at 1:30 pm to the dog training center to be further educated on it. I learn SO much every time I go. It's like overload in my brain, and I find it hard to remember all their tips, words and examples. There's so much to it. Right now, we are in the class Manners I. If we have to repeat it, it will be my responsibility. I think I'm okay with repeating it, and I really don't know what we have to do to "prove" our worthiness to go onto Manner II? I know what I want. I want to press the Easy button and have it all done. But nope, there's more to it than that. And let me tell you how easy it is to mess it all up.
Example:
Problem: Your puppy dog jumps up on you (or other people).
Solution: Ignore them. Turn the other way. Since "you" are the reward, they do not get the reward when they behave poorly (jumping up on you). Even saying "no" to them is attention/reward from you, and your dog is fine with that. So, stay quiet/ignore the jumping, and wait until they have all four paws on the ground, then you can pet/talk to them. And, you should ask them for a positive behavior from them, such as "sit" at this time.
How have I messed this up, you ask? It seemed so simple. But I was not considering the psychological thought process of a puppy/dog. I was asking for a "sit" when Tula was still in motion. Which leads her to think: I jump up, I sit, then I get my reward (attention from my person). WRONG. The jumping up part is now in their thought process. Jump, sit, reward. Boy, did I mess that up. So, I will change, ever-so-slightly, what I do. I will ignore her jumping up on me - until she has all four paws on the ground. Then ask for her "sit", then love on her. This one tiny thing makes a huge difference in how your dog 'sees' things. This is only one of the many things I need to consider when training with the positive reinforcement theory. Timing is everything! Giving a treat at just that right moment. Making the proper action at just the proper time. It just seems like the word No would solve all of this, doesn't it? Not to mention faster response and "learning". I kinda like the idea of using a combination of the two methods. I wonder what results that would produce? I try not to be too self-critical of my abilities regarding this situation, yet being responsible for another person's dog has been enlightening to me.
Speaking of, while listening to an audiobook today on my run, I realized how easy it is to be so self-critical - to the point where I sometimes have this need to explain and justify my decisions and actions. That's what I love about blogging. I can "put it all out there". My thoughts, my feelings, my decisions, my words. It's an outlet to share my inner self. In my day-to-day world, I find myself using my filter, choosing my words, and sometimes limiting who I am, to the world. I made a breakthrough at work the other day regarding who I am - and why I do (or don't) - do things. I was asked if I was attending the work holiday party. Granted, this question was asked in the Operating Room where a grouping of people are all being asked. I replied, "No, thank you". When I was asked Why? I paused and replied, "There is no Why", and fell silent. As if I had put a silent Period on the end of my statement. It was not sarcastic, negative or insulting. Just plain and straight, innocent and unassuming. I did not feel as if I owed anyone, including myself, an explanation. I have always felt the need to give a reason, an excuse or an answer. But all of a sudden, I walked through a new place, a new door, one which took me somewhere new, where I didn't owe a justification for my action. Why haven't I gotten here earlier in life? (there's that self-critical behavior). Some people have already arrived there, but not necessarily me, and that's okay. I'm here now, and I'll be staying here long-term, in the land of: I Am Enough. I've been working on getting there, thanks to Brene Brown. After all, she's my favorite author who inspired me (years ago) of what it's like to live a wholehearted life.
I'm on a journey of Me. I'll be making different choices when it comes to justifications. Wow, that feels good.
Be your bee-ewe-tiful self. After all, if your not you, who will be you.
Still finding me,
Cyndi
What's interesting is that this "hen" - who may be a rooster - is non-aggressive. It's not rooster material, and it does not have protective tendencies that roosters have. It acts like a hen. David and I have both heard of hens who make the cock-a-doodle-do type of sound, or at least it says so in my Chicken Book. So since this particular chicken is not aggressive and seems to get along with everyone, "it" has privileges to stay, for now. It's already bad enough that Daisy is destined for the smoker, but to be even considered a rooster is "life-changing" - if you know what I mean. I do not have the heart to say "yes" to sending these two meat chickens to the smoker. We have never done that, and that's not the kind of farm we are. I'm not saying it will never happen, but if my vote counts, it's to 'live and let live'. Daisy and Lily are allowed into the barn/coop quarters at night, and have a routine to free range (because we make them do so) during the day. They are not natural forgers, and just prefer to hang out instead. All our other egg laying chickens free range willingly. They love it! It's natural to them. But Daisy and Lily are not that - and this is new to us. Which is why we have contemplated what to do. The answer? We keep them as they are. They follow me around the yard, and are curious creatures. My gentle giants have a place on the farm.
How is the positive dog training coming along? Tula, Lauren's visiting puppy, is doing well with it. She'd do even better if I was more of a master at the positive training. Tula and I go every Sunday at 1:30 pm to the dog training center to be further educated on it. I learn SO much every time I go. It's like overload in my brain, and I find it hard to remember all their tips, words and examples. There's so much to it. Right now, we are in the class Manners I. If we have to repeat it, it will be my responsibility. I think I'm okay with repeating it, and I really don't know what we have to do to "prove" our worthiness to go onto Manner II? I know what I want. I want to press the Easy button and have it all done. But nope, there's more to it than that. And let me tell you how easy it is to mess it all up.
Example:
Problem: Your puppy dog jumps up on you (or other people).
Solution: Ignore them. Turn the other way. Since "you" are the reward, they do not get the reward when they behave poorly (jumping up on you). Even saying "no" to them is attention/reward from you, and your dog is fine with that. So, stay quiet/ignore the jumping, and wait until they have all four paws on the ground, then you can pet/talk to them. And, you should ask them for a positive behavior from them, such as "sit" at this time.
How have I messed this up, you ask? It seemed so simple. But I was not considering the psychological thought process of a puppy/dog. I was asking for a "sit" when Tula was still in motion. Which leads her to think: I jump up, I sit, then I get my reward (attention from my person). WRONG. The jumping up part is now in their thought process. Jump, sit, reward. Boy, did I mess that up. So, I will change, ever-so-slightly, what I do. I will ignore her jumping up on me - until she has all four paws on the ground. Then ask for her "sit", then love on her. This one tiny thing makes a huge difference in how your dog 'sees' things. This is only one of the many things I need to consider when training with the positive reinforcement theory. Timing is everything! Giving a treat at just that right moment. Making the proper action at just the proper time. It just seems like the word No would solve all of this, doesn't it? Not to mention faster response and "learning". I kinda like the idea of using a combination of the two methods. I wonder what results that would produce? I try not to be too self-critical of my abilities regarding this situation, yet being responsible for another person's dog has been enlightening to me.
Speaking of, while listening to an audiobook today on my run, I realized how easy it is to be so self-critical - to the point where I sometimes have this need to explain and justify my decisions and actions. That's what I love about blogging. I can "put it all out there". My thoughts, my feelings, my decisions, my words. It's an outlet to share my inner self. In my day-to-day world, I find myself using my filter, choosing my words, and sometimes limiting who I am, to the world. I made a breakthrough at work the other day regarding who I am - and why I do (or don't) - do things. I was asked if I was attending the work holiday party. Granted, this question was asked in the Operating Room where a grouping of people are all being asked. I replied, "No, thank you". When I was asked Why? I paused and replied, "There is no Why", and fell silent. As if I had put a silent Period on the end of my statement. It was not sarcastic, negative or insulting. Just plain and straight, innocent and unassuming. I did not feel as if I owed anyone, including myself, an explanation. I have always felt the need to give a reason, an excuse or an answer. But all of a sudden, I walked through a new place, a new door, one which took me somewhere new, where I didn't owe a justification for my action. Why haven't I gotten here earlier in life? (there's that self-critical behavior). Some people have already arrived there, but not necessarily me, and that's okay. I'm here now, and I'll be staying here long-term, in the land of: I Am Enough. I've been working on getting there, thanks to Brene Brown. After all, she's my favorite author who inspired me (years ago) of what it's like to live a wholehearted life.
I'm on a journey of Me. I'll be making different choices when it comes to justifications. Wow, that feels good.
Be your bee-ewe-tiful self. After all, if your not you, who will be you.
Still finding me,
Cyndi
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