New Beginnings

We live

in a world

of

sunrises

if the earth is given a chance to start over every single day, aren't you?

- Cleo Wade

I just love Cleo Wade's work. She's an artist and poet who is an advocate for reminding us through her books and poetry that our life is constantly in a state of design. This means, she says, you have the power to redesign it at all times. Thank you, Cleo. I love your beautiful book, Heart Talk, and your children's book, What The Road Said which is an all-time favorite of mine. 

Books are my window where I see the outer - and inner world around me. And not just because my daughter is a librarian 😉  When I think of what my dream date would look like, it would be with my favorite writers/authors:  Brene Brown, Cleo Wade and Anne Lamott. Inspiring women who write on the topic of (many things!) including vulnerability, hope, shame, resilience and the power of love. They remind me to know the value of knowing my value. 

Gifts of Imperfection (my fav book by Brene Brown)

As I move through my little life, often times unwittingly and unknowingly yet trying hard to be self-aware with mild success, I find myself presented with gifts. My most recent gift? Charlotte. 

Char, who has an a uncanny resemblance to Sugar

Rising Strong (another great read by Brene Brown)

Char is a 2 1/2 year old bichon frice who is the classic broken spirit-rescue-in-need-of-safety-and-love doggo, from a local rescue organization who takes in small dogs that are about to be euthanized. Local shelters call her organization to offer up small dogs "on the list". She dedicates her life to picking these doggies up (young and old) caring for them, and then works to rehome them. 

Why Charlotte? Well, there's irony in this answer. Let's back up this story to when I ended up with Sugar (also adopted) by chance - and not with intention. At the time, I was to see another dog and God decided I needed Sugar. Frankly, we needed each other. Fast forward to now. I've been thinking that Sugar needs a friend to be at home with her, as Maybe slows down. 

Levi is so patient with Maybe.

Maybe waits for him to finish
his meal and lick his bowl
clean for him, of course.
That's what friends are for.

You see, Sugar is a flight risk who thinks that going out in the world to look for me while I'm at work is a good idea. Her dog friends tend to keep her at home and remind her to wait for me. So my thought process is that if I get Sugar a friend now, then they will bond and be each others mates eventually. Bottom line? Sugar does not do well alone, and once Maybe leaves us, Sugar will be alone. 

So, I am to "see about" a small dog who is also a malti-poo and when the lady brings that particular dog to see me, she also brings a surprise dog, Charlotte, whose recently been taken in and not on her website for adoption yet. Char was scared, barking out of her mind, showing her teeth, and just crazed in every way.

Char hid, and her panicky, non-stop barking
 upon her arrival informed me of
her level of scared-ness. 10/10

Poor thing was so scared and I knew it. Others would see her differently, even assuming she was aggressive or mean. I get it, she's exhibiting behavior that appears that way, but yet, this is what dogs (esp rescue dogs and homeless dogs) do to protect themselves from further harm.Yet, in all this chaos,  I knew she was mine and she knew I was hers. We've been side by side ever since. 

Day 1 : after she realized I was here 
to love her, not hurt her.

Charlotte loves the farm, me, her pack-mates of Sugar and Maybe (well, Maybe doesn't love much these days except food and sleep so there's that) and she fell into our routine so quickly that it's like she's always been here. 

Char stayed on a leash with me the first 
few times out to the barn and to 
feed the animals. She met
everyone slowly. 

One thing for sure is: she loves walking and running with the cart/stroller. These two love their cart-time. Maybe also enjoys this as well, but only as a ride-along now.

Charlotte’s particular broken-ness that needs addressing? Most men. She's not a fan and this makes it safe to assume a male has created core memories in her little mind of harm, feeling unsafe or anything along those lines. She's insanely scared of most men. 

So we have some things to work on as most broken dogs from rescues need. After all, Sugar would not let David touch or pick her up for 6 months. Now Char is on that same train in regards to letting a man near her. But it's something we can slowly work on and weave back into her life. We'll focus on helping her feel safe again, giving abundant love and a permanent place in our pack here on the farm. Yes, she does love the 4 livestock guard dogs and is slowly adjusting to the farm animals. But there's one in particular that she's not fond of. Another new gifted farm animal I recently received unexpectedly who’s also scared and unsure of her new life here. Her name is Baby.

Apparently, Baby will not fit in the igloo 
as I had expected she might. She’ll 
need a pig house. 

Power of vulnerability (I love this book, Brene)

Gosh, what happened? Well I was driving home from work the week before last (was it a Wednesday? I don't remember) and I got a phone call from my farrier who was frantic about needing a home immediately for a pig. The conversation went something like this, " The owner is having surgery tomorrow and there's no one to care for the pig. And she's the same size as Maggie (my pig) and she's tame and sweet and used to live in the house and and and and and and can you take her pleeeeease? Her name is Baby and you will just love her!"

Fine, yes, I'll take her. I was feeling completely vulnerable in this situation. And so, I set a boundary. But she has to live outside with Maggie. In a pen. Okay, she says, they will bring her to you tonight. Tonight?! They? Whose they? 

Daring Greatly (another amazing book by Brene)

And sure enough, at 8 pm that same night, a man shows up with a pig named Baby in a open crate on a trailer from where he drove her like that for 2 hours and Baby is scared out of her mind. She's twice as big as Maggie, and I'm told she's only ever eaten people-food, particularly pizza, and is now 'charging' at the man and myself because she's so scared and I'm sure she will take a finger off my hand if given the chance. 

I'm having immediate regrets about this decision. To make the circus even more crazy, Charlotte is barking out of her mind at the man with the scared pig, that I have to place Charlotte (along with Sugar for emotional support) in my truck and roll up the windows so not to scare the pig more. And now to think we have to push/navigate/encourage this pig all the way across the yard and around the barn to Maggie's pen. I had been told she "comes to the shake of food" but this pig aint moving. Baby is not having any of this and could care a less about food this time of night. Let's just say with lots of prodding, pushing and dodging her snout with sharp teeth showing, we finally make it across the yard and around the barn to Maggie's pen with all our fingers intact geeezzzz.

The man could not leave fast enough, and I'm still not exactly sure who he was in relation to all this because it seems it was not his idea to make the 2 hour drive there and back and he knew nothing much about the pig except her name is Baby and she loves pizza. It was a drop and run....for him.

After I see him off, I head back over to Maggie's pen to find Maggie and Baby (both 'only pigs') in a full on pig fight. I've never seen a actual pig fight before but can now be considered an expert on it. They were making pig noises I've never heard or knew existed. Baby is huge and the hair she does have was standing straight up along her neck and down her back. She looked like a wild boar. What have I done. 

Pig Fight Rules:

1) Don't try to break it up yourself unless you want to get bit by a pig.

2) Figure out how to distract them with food or something. Anything.

3) Separate them immediately and in any way you can and keep them that way. And in this case, at 9:30 pm, figure out a fence situation to keep them from harming each other.  

4) Find the antimicrobial spray for all the bites on their ears and sides of their faces.

5) Figure out why you said yes when you should have said no. Apparently, my life story. 

Luckily, I'm a Fence Master and I have random fencing around the farm that I could throw together to keep them separate. And that I did. I place fairly-strong portable fencing down the middle of Maggie's pen to keep them apart. That'll do, I think, until I can get something more permanent for them. I gotta get to bed. 

As I laid in bed that night, I wondered who would be the winner of this pig fight? Maggie was protecting her space. Baby was scared and mad. Maggie is smaller yet more agile. Baby doesn't move about well due to her size but man that girl has some sharp teeth and is not afraid to use them. The answer to this question was not one I wanted to know the answer to. I would need to keep these only children, I mean only pigs.....separate. What have I done. Oh I've already said that, haven't I. 

Morning comes and everyone is still alive - and separate. I do my morning farm chores and head into workie work. I arrive back home from work 10 hours later jiggity jig and guess whose back together? No, not Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott. Those silly pigs.

And guess whose all bit up again on their ears and face, again. Yep, you guessed it. Maggie and Baby. Baby pushed that fence apart in one weak area, just enough to slip through and apparently regretted not being able to get back to her side, by the looks of things. Let's just say I spent a fair amount of time fixing the fence to where that would not happen again. And sprayed their wounds with anti microbial spray once again. 

The purple on her is the color of the 
wound spray

This is going to be a long term living situation. Separate, that is. And am I to keep Baby forever? Is anyone going to take her back? This I still do not know. Yet, it's pretty safe to assume I'll be keeping her at this point. Which means I need to build her a pig house because the igloo is much too small for her. After all, Maggie can get in it and used to sleep in it before I got her an official pig house. But this is not true for Baby. Baby happens to be a much larger girl, as well as older which lends to her residency here at the sunshine senior resort. She gets to live out the rest of her years here, assuming that she is allowed to stay, which I’m thinking the answer to that is yes. Funny thing is, nobody has said for sure about her length of stay, nor have I asked. No matter that, Welcome, Baby!

They do well together with a fence in between

Obviously not the same breed of pig 🙄

So I'm in the process of building her a pig house from random things around on the farm. I have positioned her in a place in Maggie’s pen that is actually under an awning already. Yet, I need to make sure she is warm as the winter arrives. Pigs get cold as they have little fur or hair to keep them warm. So a pig house is being constructed around her spot she's chosen, all on her own. She's decided where she's comfortable, and that's okay, Baby. I'll build it around you. And so I did. 

I've taken misc things around the farm and
created Baby a shelter of her own. 
It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there. 

The random door is a temp roof. 
There's still work to do to get 
her house winter-ready. 
Her pig house will be made from
ingredients I already have.

Braving the Wilderness (such a good book, Brene)

As both Charlotte and Baby settle into this brave new world they have been dropped into, I rejoice. Char has come around quickly showing her ability to potty train, accept Ryan who is a male in the house, learn the routines we have around the farm, and begin to trust her life again and show her cute little personality. She's independent yet needy, strong yet scared, and learning to love again. She'll be wonderful for Sugar because they each have traits the other does not. God knows. He just knows what we all need. I'm forever grateful.

And what a wonderful time to express our gratitude over this Thanksgiving holiday. It's hard to say just one thing that I'm thankful for because I feel thankful for everything. Esp the gift of waking up each day. For my health. For the love I'm able to give and receive. For family and friends. For the opportunity to work and help others, all while being able to pay my bills. Everything. And during our Thanksgiving meal......

Inspection in progress

Asking what the mashed potatoes are.
Have we not given this to him before? 😮

.....when I asked Brooks what he's thankful for, giving him an example of monster truck. He says back to me, "That's not a food". And in that moment, I realized in his mind, Thanksgiving was a time to be thankful for food things. You can only say a food your thankful for. He picked bread. I picked turkey (sorry Paul). And the realization of how impactful we are as adults to influence these young minds is daunting. Everything we say and do seeps into their brains. What a huge responsibility we have to all children to steer them, teach them, and help them become grateful and helpful human beings. Certainly one of the hardest things we do in life. 

I'm heading out to the barn to care, love and relish in these beautiful creatures I've been gifted. May your holidays be filled with love and light. 

And may your first love last forever.

You are your first love. Take care of yourself.

-Cleo Wade

Until next time,

Cyndi

The Easiest Thing

 

My happy place

Since becoming divorced, the most common question I get is, "How are you going to take care of the farm by yourself?" and although no one acts like they believe me, my answer is always : "It's actually probably one of the easiest things I do in my life". Ahhhh, the look I get. Or the skepticism I receive in return. Or the constant 'concern' from some. Of which none of this phases me. We don't know what we don't know. It's hard for others to really know and understand what it takes to run the farm, sell eggs, buy and keep feed for the animals, and the general care and upkeep of not only the animals but the property and buildings. 

There's a secret I have learned in this endeavor: keep it simple. I've narrowed down things around the farm. Such as the 4 self-feeding feeders for the chickens. The water buckets near water sources for easy filling. A weekly barn clean rather than daily. A am and pm feeding time that all animals expect, and know where to be for their particular feeding (horses, pig, goats, and livestock guard dogs, as the sheep and chickens self-feed). Feed in the Tack Room is placed in a manner for easy access and storage. I have an 'egg table' I use to prep the eggs for sale. Everything is in it's place and there's a place for everything. And after the barn remodel recently, I'm happy to report that it has made my life even easier. And another happy update to report: all the chickens are sleeping in the barn now. No one is being silly and trying to sleep outside on the fence. This is very important to me as winter approaches. I really want everyone as warm and comfortable as they can be. 

How can you say no to this girl

Hope reminds me daily how to
love and live life ❤️‍🩹

Over the years, I've learned so much about all this farm stuff. I had no idea whatsoever what I was doing when I first started out. I was just bouncing along trying to figure it out. Let's just say there was a tall vertical learning curve. Luckily, I've failed forward time and time again. Just like in ultra running, a DNF (did not finish) is at times, considered more valuable than a finish in a race. Why? Because we learn when we fail, or at least are given an opportunity to learn, and attempt to figure out how to do better and what changes one might make to be more successful in the future. The question for me is, when I fail at something, do I take that as an opportunity to improve. That's key. And I try to fail forward. Sometimes I make mistakes multiple times before I realize this. But hey, I try to try - and give myself full credit for it. 

I'm happy to say I'm at a place in my life where caring for the farm is one of my most favorite things I do, besides run and bike which are also still a couple of my favorite things to do in life. I'm fortunate I can still do these things and will keep at it until I can't. I'm happy to report that everyone on the farm is doing well! And I'm doing well, too. Wait, no, not well, I'm doing great. 

Who's not doing so great

Like millions of children worldwide do, Olive contracted RSV.

It was Halloween and the pediatrician and 
staff were all Frozen characters

As you are probably well aware, RSV is no joke. RSV hospitalizes thousands of children each year, and leaves many with reactive airways that take time to recover from. While some who get RSV have a mild case, many infants can have a severe case that causes a need for further medical assistance. The CDC reports that RSV is the leading cause of infant hospitalization in the U.S. 

Once Olive was diagnosed, she had already seen her pediatrician once and was suspected of having RSV. The next day, and another visit to the pediatrician because she was worsening at a exponential rate, she was tested and shown to be positive for RSV. That night, she was in the ER with low oxygen sats and high heart rate as her body tried to compensate for the struggle to breathe. She was sent home from the ER once they were able to stabilize her. And it was the next morning that another ER visit due to breathing complications bought her a stay in the hospital. 

It was a scary time for Lauren and Ryan having a child, like millions do, with RSV who struggle to breathe. So many people have 'RSV stories' much like we have 'birth stories'. It's a traumatic experience to have a child in respiratory distress. Thank goodness for health care, health care workers and wonderful hospitals who care for these 2, 3 and 4 month old babies who are wading their way through the river of an insurmountable amount of sticky icky mucous in their lungs and nasal cavities along with fever as the trump card to make them feel even more awful. 

The interventions? Regular suctioning of the nasal cavity, albuterol breathing treatments, fluid via IV, humidifier, and in some babies, supplemental oxygen and feeding tubes. It's hard for babies to take a bottle when they can't breathe through their nose. If I had to guess, you have experienced this personally with your own baby or know someone who has. It's like the covid except the infant version, RSV. Ugh. Poor Olive. All those poor babies suffering. Heartbreaking to watch. 

Hard to see the tiny ones so sick

I'm happy to report that Olive is on the mend. She's still (what we call in the health care world) gunky. She's still recovering. But wow, what a marvelous corner she turned and started getting better slowly, and then faster. If only all the RSV infants could be that lucky. We are most grateful, and Lauren and Ryan may need therapy after all that excitement. How'd Brooks do through it all? He did great, and he knew his sister was sick and in the hospital. But he doesn't know to worry yet. We as adults will teach him that unfortunately. There has to be a place in this world, somewhere, where worry is not a thing. Worry does absolutely nothing except take up room in our brain rent-free. Eckhart Tolle once said : Worry is a waste of time. Either do something about - or let it go. 

I think about that each time I fall into worry. I think: 1) what can I do about the situation concerning me, and 2) if I can not do anything about it, I let it go. I pass it onto my higher power, God to deal with. He's got it all under control.

Brooks did not worry. I did not worry. Olive was receiving care and being well taken care of at the hospital and I was so glad she was there. 

Matter of fact, Brooks and I were at home while Ryan and Lauren were at the hospital, and he was busy helping me feed the animals, play outside, and regular life things. He waited for things to get better knowing that they would and they did. Kids are naturally great at that until they are taught otherwise. Anxious parents create anxious children, and if only we could not gift that anxiety to them. But that in itself takes self awareness and a mission to make change in our own life, to combat that. The world does not deserve children. So innocent and pure. Unknowing of what's to come. 

I digress. I'm happy to report Olive is recuperating and doing great considering everything she's gone through. That makes us all beyond happy. And grateful. And amazed at what the human body can do. 

It better be good news this time

Speaking of the human body, more good news. My recent change to monthly blood cancer treatments is going well. So well in fact, that I get to stay monthly unless my lab numbers say otherwise. I no longer feel like I live at Texas Oncology. Polycythemia Vera is a progressive blood cancer, yet right now, my PV is staying relatively stable.

Cancer is interesting. If you survive it (David) or if you are stable and considered doing well by your oncologist (Cyndi) then somehow it's seen as a personal victory, as if we had something to do with that outcome. Both David's, as well as my own oncologist, consider us great cancer patients. They tell us that. Like we have anything to do with our cancer status. It's kind of funny because the cancer is out of our control, and we are seeking treatment (or in David's case, sought treatment) and we get the credit for doing well. Funny how that works. I just nod and agree, like I have anything to do with it. The reality is that when I say, "Back at cha" to my oncologist, he smiles and we silently know it's a team effort. I know I'm just freaking lucky. Not everyone draws the 'doing well' card. And I'm aware enough to know I have to give that card back one day. 

For now though, I'm doing the things I want to do while I can still do them. One of them being to run.

I happen to be out on a run Sunday morning, and stopped to take in the beauty all around me. I reflected on how I was feeling in that moment, and felt one with the road. This area is on a route I've not run for a bit and there's a reason for that. As I traveled down the road only a bit further, I came to a favorite spot in the valley where a stream trickles, the leaves in the trees rustle with the wind, and squirrels play freely without a care in the world. This particular spot always makes me smile and I would (and still do) always pause there. 

Peace ☮️ 

And then I realize why I haven't allowed myself to run there in a long while. While that spot is so spectacular, it always reminds me that I'm not picking that in my own life. It's a spot where my 'knowing' reminds me that I'm not being true to myself. It's a spot that reminds me life can be so beautiful and free if only I would chose that. It's a spot where happiness would crash straight on with sadness and remind me that I wasn’t being true to me. 

Something about this spot 🥰

It's at this very spot where God would whisper in my ear each and every time I ran through it "isn't this so beautiful" and follow it up with "are you being true to you?" and I would lie to both of us, each time and answer yes. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was not being truthful to my own self. Lying to myself. Which ultimately caused me to begin the process of not trusting myself. 

She waits, this little heart of mine

Ahhh, what a sad place to be when you cannot trust yourself. I knew what to do. I just didn't do it, for a thousand reasons which none of them made sense, but I pretended they made sense. I was staying in a marriage that I knew was not good for my own emotional well-being. And knowing there's no such thing as one way liberation. I would need to liberate us both. And so I did. 

So on this Sunday, it was the first time that God did not whisper that to me. I had set myself free and this time, pausing to enjoy the moment, taking in the smells, the sights, the breeze on my face and the sunlight on my skin but most importantly, knowing I was being true to myself now. I was able to fully enjoy this amazing place knowing I had made the hard decision to be true to myself and move forward with life - on my own. It was the first time I was at this spot and felt safe. I felt free. I also felt like I set both David and I free. 

You see, the dark of night (after separation and divorce) brings clarity - if your willing to let it in. Denial can be strong in these situations, which can block the clarity. I've worked hard on letting in the harsh reality of what I was doing in my marriage. I'm still working on accepting the various responsibility of my part in this rupture and what exactly I was doing to make things worse for both David and I. I even started making a list, to remind myself of what I need to work on so that I can try not to carry it further in my life. Lofty goal, yes. Yet, in order to move forward in my life, I need to accept responsibility for my own behaviors and work on forgiving myself. Along with learning to trust myself. I'm only accountable for me, and I have some accounting to do, people. 

This brings me back to the places and roads I run that bring about feelings of unhappiness because of something that was happening at a given time in my marriage. Kind of like certain music often reminds people of particular situations or feelings. In my case, routes/places of which I run often remind me of feelings and things that have happened in my own life, specifically in my marriage. And unfortunately, they have not all been fond.

And as much as David and I tried to figure out an answer to what I call 'chronic conflict', what I learned is that sometimes there is no answer. Therefore letting one another go is the nest step. What we often perceive as being with someone for a lifetime is sometimes really just being with someone for a season. And the acceptance of that can be daunting. 

Yet, in many ways, this is good news for David and I. To let one another go. There comes a time to move forward so not to destroy one another. It sounds dramatic, but let me tell you, chronic conflict does not bring out the best in me. Esp over long periods of time. Sometimes I felt like a bystander in my own life, falling back on my ambivalence. And that did not serve me well. 

One thing I know for sure is that chronic conflict does not look pretty on me, I'll tell you that. I tried to make it look good, be good, and paint him perfect through it all. But even I have a breaking point. I can now say that my 'knowing' reminds me often that I made the right decision. Grieving and sadness is part of this process, but the ability to say, hey, I'm truly happy, feels damn good. 

I know what your next question is, too. How's Lauren? How's the house dynamics now? Well, that’s for another day. For now, it's back to running the old routes that I miss and making new memories on those familiar roads. I’ll be looking at life from a new and different perspective on these well-run roads. Knowing I'm coming home to me. 

And soon to be 60,

Cyndi