The Easiest Thing

 

My happy place

Since becoming divorced, the most common question I get is, "How are you going to take care of the farm by yourself?" and although no one acts like they believe me, my answer is always : "It's actually probably one of the easiest things I do in my life". Ahhhh, the look I get. Or the skepticism I receive in return. Or the constant 'concern' from some. Of which none of this phases me. We don't know what we don't know. It's hard for others to really know and understand what it takes to run the farm, sell eggs, buy and keep feed for the animals, and the general care and upkeep of not only the animals but the property and buildings. 

There's a secret I have learned in this endeavor: keep it simple. I've narrowed down things around the farm. Such as the 4 self-feeding feeders for the chickens. The water buckets near water sources for easy filling. A weekly barn clean rather than daily. A am and pm feeding time that all animals expect, and know where to be for their particular feeding (horses, pig, goats, and livestock guard dogs, as the sheep and chickens self-feed). Feed in the Tack Room is placed in a manner for easy access and storage. I have an 'egg table' I use to prep the eggs for sale. Everything is in it's place and there's a place for everything. And after the barn remodel recently, I'm happy to report that it has made my life even easier. And another happy update to report: all the chickens are sleeping in the barn now. No one is being silly and trying to sleep outside on the fence. This is very important to me as winter approaches. I really want everyone as warm and comfortable as they can be. 

How can you say no to this girl

Hope reminds me daily how to
love and live life ❤️‍🩹

Over the years, I've learned so much about all this farm stuff. I had no idea whatsoever what I was doing when I first started out. I was just bouncing along trying to figure it out. Let's just say there was a tall vertical learning curve. Luckily, I've failed forward time and time again. Just like in ultra running, a DNF (did not finish) is at times, considered more valuable than a finish in a race. Why? Because we learn when we fail, or at least are given an opportunity to learn, and attempt to figure out how to do better and what changes one might make to be more successful in the future. The question for me is, when I fail at something, do I take that as an opportunity to improve. That's key. And I try to fail forward. Sometimes I make mistakes multiple times before I realize this. But hey, I try to try - and give myself full credit for it. 

I'm happy to say I'm at a place in my life where caring for the farm is one of my most favorite things I do, besides run and bike which are also still a couple of my favorite things to do in life. I'm fortunate I can still do these things and will keep at it until I can't. I'm happy to report that everyone on the farm is doing well! And I'm doing well, too. Wait, no, not well, I'm doing great. 

Who's not doing so great

Like millions of children worldwide do, Olive contracted RSV.

It was Halloween and the pediatrician and 
staff were all Frozen characters

As you are probably well aware, RSV is no joke. RSV hospitalizes thousands of children each year, and leaves many with reactive airways that take time to recover from. While some who get RSV have a mild case, many infants can have a severe case that causes a need for further medical assistance. The CDC reports that RSV is the leading cause of infant hospitalization in the U.S. 

Once Olive was diagnosed, she had already seen her pediatrician once and was suspected of having RSV. The next day, and another visit to the pediatrician because she was worsening at a exponential rate, she was tested and shown to be positive for RSV. That night, she was in the ER with low oxygen sats and high heart rate as her body tried to compensate for the struggle to breathe. She was sent home from the ER once they were able to stabilize her. And it was the next morning that another ER visit due to breathing complications bought her a stay in the hospital. 

It was a scary time for Lauren and Ryan having a child, like millions do, with RSV who struggle to breathe. So many people have 'RSV stories' much like we have 'birth stories'. It's a traumatic experience to have a child in respiratory distress. Thank goodness for health care, health care workers and wonderful hospitals who care for these 2, 3 and 4 month old babies who are wading their way through the river of an insurmountable amount of sticky icky mucous in their lungs and nasal cavities along with fever as the trump card to make them feel even more awful. 

The interventions? Regular suctioning of the nasal cavity, albuterol breathing treatments, fluid via IV, humidifier, and in some babies, supplemental oxygen and feeding tubes. It's hard for babies to take a bottle when they can't breathe through their nose. If I had to guess, you have experienced this personally with your own baby or know someone who has. It's like the covid except the infant version, RSV. Ugh. Poor Olive. All those poor babies suffering. Heartbreaking to watch. 

Hard to see the tiny ones so sick

I'm happy to report that Olive is on the mend. She's still (what we call in the health care world) gunky. She's still recovering. But wow, what a marvelous corner she turned and started getting better slowly, and then faster. If only all the RSV infants could be that lucky. We are most grateful, and Lauren and Ryan may need therapy after all that excitement. How'd Brooks do through it all? He did great, and he knew his sister was sick and in the hospital. But he doesn't know to worry yet. We as adults will teach him that unfortunately. There has to be a place in this world, somewhere, where worry is not a thing. Worry does absolutely nothing except take up room in our brain rent-free. Eckhart Tolle once said : Worry is a waste of time. Either do something about - or let it go. 

I think about that each time I fall into worry. I think: 1) what can I do about the situation concerning me, and 2) if I can not do anything about it, I let it go. I pass it onto my higher power, God to deal with. He's got it all under control.

Brooks did not worry. I did not worry. Olive was receiving care and being well taken care of at the hospital and I was so glad she was there. 

Matter of fact, Brooks and I were at home while Ryan and Lauren were at the hospital, and he was busy helping me feed the animals, play outside, and regular life things. He waited for things to get better knowing that they would and they did. Kids are naturally great at that until they are taught otherwise. Anxious parents create anxious children, and if only we could not gift that anxiety to them. But that in itself takes self awareness and a mission to make change in our own life, to combat that. The world does not deserve children. So innocent and pure. Unknowing of what's to come. 

I digress. I'm happy to report Olive is recuperating and doing great considering everything she's gone through. That makes us all beyond happy. And grateful. And amazed at what the human body can do. 

It better be good news this time

Speaking of the human body, more good news. My recent change to monthly blood cancer treatments is going well. So well in fact, that I get to stay monthly unless my lab numbers say otherwise. I no longer feel like I live at Texas Oncology. Polycythemia Vera is a progressive blood cancer, yet right now, my PV is staying relatively stable.

Cancer is interesting. If you survive it (David) or if you are stable and considered doing well by your oncologist (Cyndi) then somehow it's seen as a personal victory, as if we had something to do with that outcome. Both David's, as well as my own oncologist, consider us great cancer patients. They tell us that. Like we have anything to do with our cancer status. It's kind of funny because the cancer is out of our control, and we are seeking treatment (or in David's case, sought treatment) and we get the credit for doing well. Funny how that works. I just nod and agree, like I have anything to do with it. The reality is that when I say, "Back at cha" to my oncologist, he smiles and we silently know it's a team effort. I know I'm just freaking lucky. Not everyone draws the 'doing well' card. And I'm aware enough to know I have to give that card back one day. 

For now though, I'm doing the things I want to do while I can still do them. One of them being to run.

I happen to be out on a run Sunday morning, and stopped to take in the beauty all around me. I reflected on how I was feeling in that moment, and felt one with the road. This area is on a route I've not run for a bit and there's a reason for that. As I traveled down the road only a bit further, I came to a favorite spot in the valley where a stream trickles, the leaves in the trees rustle with the wind, and squirrels play freely without a care in the world. This particular spot always makes me smile and I would (and still do) always pause there. 

Peace ☮️ 

And then I realize why I haven't allowed myself to run there in a long while. While that spot is so spectacular, it always reminds me that I'm not picking that in my own life. It's a spot where my 'knowing' reminds me that I'm not being true to myself. It's a spot that reminds me life can be so beautiful and free if only I would chose that. It's a spot where happiness would crash straight on with sadness and remind me that I wasn’t being true to me. 

Something about this spot 🥰

It's at this very spot where God would whisper in my ear each and every time I ran through it "isn't this so beautiful" and follow it up with "are you being true to you?" and I would lie to both of us, each time and answer yes. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was not being truthful to my own self. Lying to myself. Which ultimately caused me to begin the process of not trusting myself. 

She waits, this little heart of mine

Ahhh, what a sad place to be when you cannot trust yourself. I knew what to do. I just didn't do it, for a thousand reasons which none of them made sense, but I pretended they made sense. I was staying in a marriage that I knew was not good for my own emotional well-being. And knowing there's no such thing as one way liberation. I would need to liberate us both. And so I did. 

So on this Sunday, it was the first time that God did not whisper that to me. I had set myself free and this time, pausing to enjoy the moment, taking in the smells, the sights, the breeze on my face and the sunlight on my skin but most importantly, knowing I was being true to myself now. I was able to fully enjoy this amazing place knowing I had made the hard decision to be true to myself and move forward with life - on my own. It was the first time I was at this spot and felt safe. I felt free. I also felt like I set both David and I free. 

You see, the dark of night (after separation and divorce) brings clarity - if your willing to let it in. Denial can be strong in these situations, which can block the clarity. I've worked hard on letting in the harsh reality of what I was doing in my marriage. I'm still working on accepting the various responsibility of my part in this rupture and what exactly I was doing to make things worse for both David and I. I even started making a list, to remind myself of what I need to work on so that I can try not to carry it further in my life. Lofty goal, yes. Yet, in order to move forward in my life, I need to accept responsibility for my own behaviors and work on forgiving myself. Along with learning to trust myself. I'm only accountable for me, and I have some accounting to do, people. 

This brings me back to the places and roads I run that bring about feelings of unhappiness because of something that was happening at a given time in my marriage. Kind of like certain music often reminds people of particular situations or feelings. In my case, routes/places of which I run often remind me of feelings and things that have happened in my own life, specifically in my marriage. And unfortunately, they have not all been fond.

And as much as David and I tried to figure out an answer to what I call 'chronic conflict', what I learned is that sometimes there is no answer. Therefore letting one another go is the nest step. What we often perceive as being with someone for a lifetime is sometimes really just being with someone for a season. And the acceptance of that can be daunting. 

Yet, in many ways, this is good news for David and I. To let one another go. There comes a time to move forward so not to destroy one another. It sounds dramatic, but let me tell you, chronic conflict does not bring out the best in me. Esp over long periods of time. Sometimes I felt like a bystander in my own life, falling back on my ambivalence. And that did not serve me well. 

One thing I know for sure is that chronic conflict does not look pretty on me, I'll tell you that. I tried to make it look good, be good, and paint him perfect through it all. But even I have a breaking point. I can now say that my 'knowing' reminds me often that I made the right decision. Grieving and sadness is part of this process, but the ability to say, hey, I'm truly happy, feels damn good. 

I know what your next question is, too. How's Lauren? How's the house dynamics now? Well, that’s for another day. For now, it's back to running the old routes that I miss and making new memories on those familiar roads. I’ll be looking at life from a new and different perspective on these well-run roads. Knowing I'm coming home to me. 

And soon to be 60,

Cyndi