While we await the arrival of Chia's kid(s), we watch all the animals revel in this heat, and are amazed at how well they adapt. The chickens, donkeys, sheep and goats all blend from season to season. Most importantly to note, is the shearing and shaving of the animals (those that need it) is key in this blending process. When Fall arrives, and the cold starts its journey, their winter coat(s) are much needed. When Summer hits, the natural shedding - and intentional shearing - is a relief.
Currently, we have a huge fan in the barn going 24/7. We watch water buckets daily, and make sure everyone has access to fresh and plentiful water. The feeding schedule has shifted to later in the evening, due to the heat suppressing the guard dogs appetite. We have been successful in shaving 2 out of the 4 of the guard dogs. The multiple layers of fur is too much for them in this summer heat. The relief can be seen right away, when top layers are removed.
A new change we made this summer was to not use straw in the sheep or goat pens. It's great to have it for moisture wicking (urine) and hiding some of their poop, but really, it's a hassle this time of year. It's hot, draws more flies, and does not serve a purpose at this time of year. On low wind days, we can muck the stalls, and burn the straw. Instead, we are forgoing the straw in exchange for daily quick-sweeps of the stalls. The barn smells much better, and along with spraying (every 2-3 weeks) for fly eggs, and young flies, we can keep the adult fly population down. The flies, inside and outside the barn, are a nuisance to the animals - and us. We do what we can. The Pour On pesticide for the donkeys works great. I'm freely able to pour it down Mama's back, and as it absorbs in her body, the flies will not accumulate and settle on her. Papa, he's another story. Even though this Pour On does not sting or burn, he is reluctant to let us put this on him, and stays away. He is a rescue donkey who is not harness trained, so getting this on him is always by way of tricking him. With food, with the ability to go to a different area of the property. Sometimes we are able to help him help himself. He's smart, and can smell the Pour On, so he's the master of Catch Me If You Can.
This is our first summer with Sugar. She's my adopted nugget, who at the age of 1 year old still did not have a name. She's a white, fluffy MaltiPoo full of joy and love. We got her over the winter, and she's feeling the heat now. Her little pinkish-red tiny tongue hangs out as we work outside now. She's instantly full of burrs, as her coat attracts them like honey to a bee. I pick them out lovingly from her fur, as it's a dance we do often. Sugar's past life has formed her to be protective and unsure. She still only allows me to pick her up, although will tolerate others holding her. I still can't figure out what it is she will eat on a on going basis. Dog food isn't her jam. Bacon is her fav. Everything else is a "maybe" depending on how's she's feeling at the time. At 4 lbs, she's a touch cookie to feed. David is best at getting her to eat a decent meal. He can look, but not touch. Sugar loves him for many reasons, mostly his taste in food. She's starting to let him in her Circle of Trust. Bacon helps. Sugar has shown me that no matter what has happened in the past, forgiveness and trust can be found again. That love prevails. She's leaned into this transition with us, and according to David, in about 5 more years, he may be able to lean down and pick her up. The progress is slow, but it's evident daily, that she's trying to let her walls down and allow others to love her. She's a 1 person dog. 1 person is enough for her, and I get that privilege in her life. David is not detoured though, his mission to teach her grace and (more) trust is relentless. Sugar is turning the corner. Slowly. David's patience will be rewarded one day. He's still waiting for her tail to wag when he says Hello to her. To be able to pick her up. One day, Sugar, you will. You are still healing, and that's okay.
While we await Sugar's changes toward allowing others to love her, I made a huge change this weekend. A big step forward in life. Warning: It will sound materialistic, but for me, it's about letting go. Back story: I drive a 2008 Saturn Vue. I chose this car for many reasons, mainly because no matter what happens to it, it's okay. It's an old car I can do anything with, go anywhere, never worry about hail, or what would happen if someone hits it. It's my Worry-Free vehicle that gets me places, helps with the farm, pulls the trailer, put my bike in it, and it hauls feed easily. If it ever does decide to stop running (which it runs great!) I could just leave it on the side of the road, and run home. The police would put an orange sticker on it, tow it away, and done is done. And if you rode in it, you would think, 1) this car does not have shocks, 2) why does she drive this? and 3) this is a janky car.
While all those thoughts are justified, I've been able to ignore it all, and drive on. Lately, David and Lauren have both mentioned (begged) me to get a newer car. Something nice. Something decent. I've thought about it, and decided maybe it's time. Maybe they're right. They have my best interest at heart, and I should consider what they say more seriously. So I agreed to go look at cars. We did, and ended up at a Toyota dealership. I've never had a truck (besides our 68 Chevy short bed). I liked the Tacoma truck, and interestingly enough, decided it would be okay to buy one. And we did. A grey, beautiful truck that will do all the things Pearl (my Saturn Vue) did. We brought it home, and drove around in it this weekend, and I've never seen David happier for me. For me, that I'm not driving Pearl. He's so happy, that he can't quit clapping (the Steve Harvey clap - palms only, fingers out) in the new truck while we drive around. Wow, perception is not always reality, because my perception of Pearl was that she was fine and good enough for me. Those around me speak otherwise. I DO love my new truck, and am happy to step up my game in the world of driving.
But what about Pearl, you ask? Well, I could not trade her in because they would not give me any $$$ for her. Basically nothing. I might as well have given her to somebody. Anybody. So she too, came back home. That was Saturday night. By Sunday at noon, I had her up front with a For Sale sign in the window, at the end of the gravel drive to our house, waiting for the 10 people who drive down Little Elm Creek Rd each day, to think about if they might buy her. And guess what. 1 of those 10 passing cars decided they wanted Pearl. A man, ironically our closest neighbor, Raul, who I've spoken on the phone with about his roaming dogs. Not the best interactions we've had, but they were always decent and appropriate neighbor communications. Now, he wants to buy my car for his wife. We shook hands and smiled at each other. **Update: He has since fenced his biting, roaming dogs about 6 months ago, so all is good. It was good to be at peace with each other, although we've technically never "had words". He lives down the way, and we all like to stay in each others good graces. And now, we gave Raul the Neighbor's Deal on Pearl, and off they went. Within 5 hours of having the car out front with a For Sale sign, Pearl is gone. I'll get to see her now and then. Driving by. My heart is happy, as someone else will love her as I did. They do not know she has a name, but I do.
As I continue to ebb and flow, I made a giant step forward this weekend. I've stepped up my game. Mostly, I've realized that when I'm just fine with something, doesn't mean it's always okay. This happens in my life. I can be a Settler without even realizing it. Thank goodness I have loved ones around to wake me up, at times. Every now and then the squirrel gets the nut. I can still see David clapping his hands in the truck, as we drove to Home Depot. His cute little smile made my heart so happy. And Lauren will be so proud of me. She tolerated Pearl, but wanted more for me. Thank you both for pushing me to want more for myself. I need that now and then.
And that's what we are doing for Sugar, too. Cheering her on, to allow others to love her and be her wonderful self. We all continue to open doors for each other. It's a wonderful life. Everyday brings a new story.
I look forward to what today brings,
Cyndi
Monday, June 24, 2019
Saturday, June 8, 2019
Sense of Home
I knew when we moved from the city, out to the country that I was getting closer to where it was I belonged. First, it was Celina, to test out what it felt like to live in a smaller town. I instantly fell in love with Celina, and it's where I begin to find my rootedness. My relationship with place is important to me. From Celina, we moved further away from the city, and landed in Gunter. My sense of home was in full bloom. I could feel my soul being nurtured by the blue sky, the abundance of birds, all our cherished farm animals, and the quiet. Although I desire to wander still, I mostly want to wander back home.
Recently, I was listening to The Goop podcast titled, Can Creating Something Small Heal Something Big? Gwyneth Paltrow's guest was Elizabeth Gilbert. You may know her from one of her books, Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilbert struck me as fascinating, intriguing and presents a perspective I don't think I've heard before. Her words centered around Creativity. She speaks, "I think of creativity as a relationship - not between self and self but between self and mystery". Wait, what? It goes something like this. The earth is constantly creating itself. That's Creating with a capital C. And if we want to be more in tune with what's around us, we should always be creating to relate and belong to the Big Story. And that's creating with a lower case c. I thought hard about this concept. Yes, when I'm creating, it feels good. No matter how simple. Creating feels good to me. Creating what I call home, a life for our animals, a garden, relationships with people/nature around me, however small or large, it feels like a gift. What I also learned from her is that we have these 'hidden jewels inside us, buried deep within ourselves, with opportunities to discover and find them'. True true. So many jewels are within me, that I never knew. It was about taking the opportunity to look within. And the more I looked, the more jewels I find in me, many of which I had no idea were there. That's the mystery - interacting with myself, and discovering these mysteries. What a cool relationship to have. All these ideas that want to dance with us, all these forces that want us to find them, are constantly around. And I get to live this life of interacting with it all. I now understand that all these ideas and opportunities showing up inside my head, are there for me to catch, grab hold and act on. They dance around me, trying to get my attention, trying to get me to create with them.
So what has stopped me in the past from finding what I have now found? Fear. Fear tells us to stop. No, don't do that. Don't go there. You don't know what will happen, Fear says, so you better not do it. It's new, it's different, and it could be dangerous, Fear continues to convince me. Fear has no perspective, no creativity, and certainly no imagination. All Fear does is sound an alarm and shuts everything down. If the outcome is not clear? Fear says Don't Do It. Anything new? Fear says no to that too. So, it was time to face it. Straight on. And I did, by setting across the US on foot. Vulnerable, excited, afraid, but brave. The most common question asked of me while out there? Aren't you afraid?
So, I took Fear with me on that trip. I learned how Fear thinks and how it works, and how to converse with it. Fear took hold at times, and what's interesting is that I could feel it when it did. I knew what it was doing, and I begin to have a relationship with Fear. I started figuring out how to have a conversation with myself and Fear to determine what was really happening. Is this really a bad idea, or is it just new? Is this safe, or am I just thinking it's safe? Let's talk about it so we can be brave, rather than afraid.
Fast forward to today. Ditto again with Fear knocking at the door on a regular basis. Are the chickens okay? We had another hawk incident right in front of us, with one of our chickens. I was paralyzed with fear. What's happening?! Is she okay? I'm just not able to think straight when I'm fearful. I'm having a health issue, will things be okay? Fear says, It's the unknown, so you better sound the alarm. No, not this time. I got this, and can think much clearer when I'm not scared. But what about when Chia has her kid goats, what if she/we can't sustain them? Big - and little - things to be fearful of. But now, I've learned to invite Fear in. Welcome, come sit with me. Let's talk about this before we just shut everything down. Bad things are going to happen. It's okay. It's not okay, but it's going to be okay. What should we do? Create something. A plan. A safer place for the animals. A road map for things that scare me, so Fear does not drive the train. I make horrible decisions when Fear is driving.
I've also learned that creativity is in most all we do out here. The ebbing and flowing of the farm, the movement of fences and animals. The garden, the flowers, and a new tree we just had planted. Always creating and working towards farm nirvana. Yes, Fear knocks. But now, I answer, and say, Let's talk.
And by the way, this goes for Shame, too. While Shame is riding shotgun, Fear is the backseat driver. (Thank you, Brene Brown!) These two have been a lifetime of paracetic behaviors in my life, and wrecking havoc when I've been unable to sit with them. What Brene Brown has taught me, is that her research shows that Shame is the most powerful master emotion, telling us we are not good enough. What I've learned is if we can share our story with someone who provides empathy and understanding, Shame can't survive. I've started calling out Shame when it's felt, and I can now speak the word Shame. I can recognize when I'm in a Shame Storm, and Lauren and I both have begun to call it when we see it. I'm so grateful for understanding that we can can address Shame out loud and speak its name, then (hopefully!) receive empathy and understanding, so that Shame has to go crawl back in the hole from which it came.
The reason these things are so important to me is that Fear and Shame are two emotions that I've struggled with in my life. Living in Gunter has brought this to my attention. More to be fearful of, with the responsibility of so many others to care for. Shame to be felt when there's loss that I feel a certain amount of responsibility for, regardless if it's true or not. Getting older, and knowing that decisions need to be made that seem so much bigger than myself. Fear not, and talk to Fear. It's one of my newer Skills, in my Skills Toolbox, for sure. And I've been fine tuning it for awhile. My work with self-awareness of my own feelings have brought this all to the forefront of my being. The recognition of trying to make better decisions, and a greater understanding of what's happening around me have all promoted me to develop new and different Skills. My old Toolbox started getting so rusty and overused, that it needed some updating.
I am most grateful for Thought Leaders/Authors like Elizabeth Gilbert, Brene Brown, Oprah, Bob Goff, Judah Smith, Shonda Rhimes, one of my newest favs, Vienna Pharaon (and so many more) that shed light on so many different perspectives that add to my own Skills Toolbox. I absolutely love hearing others point of views, as opening my mind continues to help me in my everyday life - here in Gunter. Having this of sense of home, living where I feel like "I'm home now", is the love story of my life. My husband with me, peace all around me and the wandering tamed. I'll continue to create, with a lower case c, all while the Earth is Creating. I had no idea how much I was creating out here, at home, as I hadn't put all those pieces together, and how that relates to my happiness. So thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert for bringing this to my attention.
Cyndi
Recently, I was listening to The Goop podcast titled, Can Creating Something Small Heal Something Big? Gwyneth Paltrow's guest was Elizabeth Gilbert. You may know her from one of her books, Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilbert struck me as fascinating, intriguing and presents a perspective I don't think I've heard before. Her words centered around Creativity. She speaks, "I think of creativity as a relationship - not between self and self but between self and mystery". Wait, what? It goes something like this. The earth is constantly creating itself. That's Creating with a capital C. And if we want to be more in tune with what's around us, we should always be creating to relate and belong to the Big Story. And that's creating with a lower case c. I thought hard about this concept. Yes, when I'm creating, it feels good. No matter how simple. Creating feels good to me. Creating what I call home, a life for our animals, a garden, relationships with people/nature around me, however small or large, it feels like a gift. What I also learned from her is that we have these 'hidden jewels inside us, buried deep within ourselves, with opportunities to discover and find them'. True true. So many jewels are within me, that I never knew. It was about taking the opportunity to look within. And the more I looked, the more jewels I find in me, many of which I had no idea were there. That's the mystery - interacting with myself, and discovering these mysteries. What a cool relationship to have. All these ideas that want to dance with us, all these forces that want us to find them, are constantly around. And I get to live this life of interacting with it all. I now understand that all these ideas and opportunities showing up inside my head, are there for me to catch, grab hold and act on. They dance around me, trying to get my attention, trying to get me to create with them.
So what has stopped me in the past from finding what I have now found? Fear. Fear tells us to stop. No, don't do that. Don't go there. You don't know what will happen, Fear says, so you better not do it. It's new, it's different, and it could be dangerous, Fear continues to convince me. Fear has no perspective, no creativity, and certainly no imagination. All Fear does is sound an alarm and shuts everything down. If the outcome is not clear? Fear says Don't Do It. Anything new? Fear says no to that too. So, it was time to face it. Straight on. And I did, by setting across the US on foot. Vulnerable, excited, afraid, but brave. The most common question asked of me while out there? Aren't you afraid?
So, I took Fear with me on that trip. I learned how Fear thinks and how it works, and how to converse with it. Fear took hold at times, and what's interesting is that I could feel it when it did. I knew what it was doing, and I begin to have a relationship with Fear. I started figuring out how to have a conversation with myself and Fear to determine what was really happening. Is this really a bad idea, or is it just new? Is this safe, or am I just thinking it's safe? Let's talk about it so we can be brave, rather than afraid.
Fast forward to today. Ditto again with Fear knocking at the door on a regular basis. Are the chickens okay? We had another hawk incident right in front of us, with one of our chickens. I was paralyzed with fear. What's happening?! Is she okay? I'm just not able to think straight when I'm fearful. I'm having a health issue, will things be okay? Fear says, It's the unknown, so you better sound the alarm. No, not this time. I got this, and can think much clearer when I'm not scared. But what about when Chia has her kid goats, what if she/we can't sustain them? Big - and little - things to be fearful of. But now, I've learned to invite Fear in. Welcome, come sit with me. Let's talk about this before we just shut everything down. Bad things are going to happen. It's okay. It's not okay, but it's going to be okay. What should we do? Create something. A plan. A safer place for the animals. A road map for things that scare me, so Fear does not drive the train. I make horrible decisions when Fear is driving.
I've also learned that creativity is in most all we do out here. The ebbing and flowing of the farm, the movement of fences and animals. The garden, the flowers, and a new tree we just had planted. Always creating and working towards farm nirvana. Yes, Fear knocks. But now, I answer, and say, Let's talk.
And by the way, this goes for Shame, too. While Shame is riding shotgun, Fear is the backseat driver. (Thank you, Brene Brown!) These two have been a lifetime of paracetic behaviors in my life, and wrecking havoc when I've been unable to sit with them. What Brene Brown has taught me, is that her research shows that Shame is the most powerful master emotion, telling us we are not good enough. What I've learned is if we can share our story with someone who provides empathy and understanding, Shame can't survive. I've started calling out Shame when it's felt, and I can now speak the word Shame. I can recognize when I'm in a Shame Storm, and Lauren and I both have begun to call it when we see it. I'm so grateful for understanding that we can can address Shame out loud and speak its name, then (hopefully!) receive empathy and understanding, so that Shame has to go crawl back in the hole from which it came.
The reason these things are so important to me is that Fear and Shame are two emotions that I've struggled with in my life. Living in Gunter has brought this to my attention. More to be fearful of, with the responsibility of so many others to care for. Shame to be felt when there's loss that I feel a certain amount of responsibility for, regardless if it's true or not. Getting older, and knowing that decisions need to be made that seem so much bigger than myself. Fear not, and talk to Fear. It's one of my newer Skills, in my Skills Toolbox, for sure. And I've been fine tuning it for awhile. My work with self-awareness of my own feelings have brought this all to the forefront of my being. The recognition of trying to make better decisions, and a greater understanding of what's happening around me have all promoted me to develop new and different Skills. My old Toolbox started getting so rusty and overused, that it needed some updating.
I am most grateful for Thought Leaders/Authors like Elizabeth Gilbert, Brene Brown, Oprah, Bob Goff, Judah Smith, Shonda Rhimes, one of my newest favs, Vienna Pharaon (and so many more) that shed light on so many different perspectives that add to my own Skills Toolbox. I absolutely love hearing others point of views, as opening my mind continues to help me in my everyday life - here in Gunter. Having this of sense of home, living where I feel like "I'm home now", is the love story of my life. My husband with me, peace all around me and the wandering tamed. I'll continue to create, with a lower case c, all while the Earth is Creating. I had no idea how much I was creating out here, at home, as I hadn't put all those pieces together, and how that relates to my happiness. So thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert for bringing this to my attention.
Cyndi
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