Sense of Home

I knew when we moved from the city, out to the country that I was getting closer to where it was I belonged. First, it was Celina, to test out what it felt like to live in a smaller town. I instantly fell in love with Celina, and it's where I begin to find my rootedness. My relationship with place is important to me. From Celina, we moved further away from the city, and landed in Gunter. My sense of home was in full bloom. I could feel my soul being nurtured by the blue sky, the abundance of birds, all our cherished farm animals, and the quiet. Although I desire to wander still, I mostly want to wander back home.
Recently, I was listening to The Goop podcast titled, Can Creating Something Small Heal Something Big? Gwyneth Paltrow's guest was Elizabeth Gilbert. You may know her from one of her books, Eat, Pray, Love. Elizabeth Gilbert struck me as fascinating, intriguing and presents a perspective I don't think I've heard before. Her words centered around Creativity. She speaks, "I think of creativity as a relationship - not between self and self but between self and mystery". Wait, what? It goes something like this. The earth is constantly creating itself. That's Creating with a capital C. And if we want to be more in tune with what's around us, we should always be creating to relate and belong to the Big Story. And that's creating with a lower case c. I thought hard about this concept. Yes, when I'm creating, it feels good. No matter how simple. Creating feels good to me. Creating what I call home, a life for our animals, a garden, relationships with people/nature around me, however small or large, it feels like a gift. What I also learned from her is that we have these 'hidden jewels inside us, buried deep within ourselves, with opportunities to discover and find them'. True true. So many jewels are within me, that I never knew. It was about taking the opportunity to look within. And the more I looked, the more jewels I find in me, many of which I had no idea were there. That's the mystery - interacting with myself, and discovering these mysteries. What a cool relationship to have. All these ideas that want to dance with us, all these forces that want us to find them, are constantly around. And I get to live this life of interacting with it all. I now understand that all these ideas and opportunities showing up inside my head, are there for me to catch, grab hold and act on. They dance around me, trying to get my attention, trying to get me to create with them.
So what has stopped me in the past from finding what I have now found? Fear. Fear tells us to stop. No, don't do that. Don't go there. You don't know what will happen, Fear says, so you better not do it. It's new, it's different, and it could be dangerous, Fear continues to convince me. Fear has no perspective, no creativity, and certainly no imagination. All Fear does is sound an alarm and shuts everything down. If the outcome is not clear? Fear says Don't Do It. Anything new? Fear says no to that too. So, it was time to face it. Straight on. And I did, by setting across the US on foot. Vulnerable, excited, afraid, but brave. The most common question asked of me while out there? Aren't you afraid?
So, I took Fear with me on that trip. I learned how Fear thinks and how it works, and how to converse with it. Fear took hold at times, and what's interesting is that I could feel it when it did. I knew what it was doing, and I begin to have a relationship with Fear. I started figuring out how to have a conversation with myself and Fear to determine what was really happening. Is this really a bad idea, or is it just new? Is this safe, or am I just thinking it's safe? Let's talk about it so we can be brave, rather than afraid.
Fast forward to today. Ditto again with Fear knocking at the door on a regular basis. Are the chickens okay? We had another hawk incident right in front of us, with one of our chickens. I was paralyzed with fear. What's happening?! Is she okay? I'm just not able to think straight when I'm fearful. I'm having a health issue, will things be okay? Fear says, It's the unknown, so you better sound the alarm. No, not this time. I got this, and can think much clearer when I'm not scared. But what about when Chia has her kid goats, what if she/we can't sustain them? Big - and little - things to be fearful of. But now, I've learned to invite Fear in. Welcome, come sit with me. Let's talk about this before we just shut everything down. Bad things are going to happen. It's okay. It's not okay, but it's going to be okay. What should we do? Create something. A plan. A safer place for the animals. A road map for things that scare me, so Fear does not drive the train. I make horrible decisions when Fear is driving.
I've also learned that creativity is in most all we do out here. The ebbing and flowing of the farm, the movement of fences and animals. The garden, the flowers, and a new tree we just had planted. Always creating and working towards farm nirvana. Yes, Fear knocks. But now, I answer, and say, Let's talk.
And by the way, this goes for Shame, too. While Shame is riding shotgun, Fear is the backseat driver. (Thank you, Brene Brown!) These two have been a lifetime of paracetic behaviors in my life, and wrecking havoc when I've been unable to sit with them. What Brene Brown has taught me, is that her research shows that Shame is the most powerful master emotion, telling us we are not good enough. What I've learned is if we can share our story with someone who provides empathy and understanding, Shame can't survive. I've started calling out Shame when it's felt, and I can now speak the word Shame. I can recognize when I'm in a Shame Storm, and Lauren and I both have begun to call it when we see it. I'm so grateful for understanding that we can can address Shame out loud and speak its name, then (hopefully!) receive empathy and understanding, so that Shame has to go crawl back in the hole from which it came.
The reason these things are so important to me is that Fear and Shame are two emotions that I've struggled with in my life. Living in Gunter has brought this to my attention. More to be fearful of, with the responsibility of so many others to care for. Shame to be felt when there's loss that I feel a certain amount of responsibility for, regardless if it's true or not. Getting older, and knowing that decisions need to be made that seem so much bigger than myself. Fear not, and talk to Fear. It's one of my newer Skills, in my Skills Toolbox, for sure. And I've been fine tuning it for awhile. My work with self-awareness of my own feelings have brought this all to the forefront of my being. The recognition of trying to make better decisions, and a greater understanding of what's happening around me have all promoted me to develop new and different Skills. My old Toolbox started getting so rusty and overused, that it needed some updating.
I am most grateful for Thought Leaders/Authors like Elizabeth Gilbert, Brene Brown, Oprah, Bob Goff, Judah Smith, Shonda Rhimes, one of my newest favs, Vienna Pharaon (and so many more) that shed light on so many different perspectives that add to my own Skills Toolbox. I absolutely love hearing others point of views, as opening my mind continues to help me in my everyday life - here in Gunter. Having this of sense of home, living where I feel like "I'm home now", is the love story of my life. My husband with me, peace all around me and the wandering tamed. I'll continue to create, with a lower case c, all while the Earth is Creating. I had no idea how much I was creating out here, at home, as I hadn't put all those pieces together, and how that relates to my happiness. So thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert for bringing this to my attention.

Cyndi