Day 19, 20 and 21 Half Way Mark

 

Thanks Kim and Brooke!

It's hard to believe that by the end of Feburary, we are likely to be back home and moving on to a new chapter. It provides me a renewed sense of what we are doing now, to know that this moment is not how all the rest-of -our-moments will be. The self awareness in this brings about reflection, that although impactful, this timeframe we are in now is but one of a thousand journeys in our lives. We have absolutely needed (and consumed like a kid in a candy shop) all the support and love, and will continue to do so to see us through this. We have embraced the love and support of others, as never before, and have learned that we could be better at doing this for others, in the future. It lights a flame inside us to be more cognizant of the struggles of those around us. Just one of the many, many lessons we are learning from this chapter. 

It's not all about us

I woke up today knowing that I'm able to raise my head and look up and all around me, farther than the apartment, past the treatment appointments and the caregiving. I see all the life happening around me. When David comes home from his radiation and chemo sessions, I have noticed a couple of things. First, he's very interested in the other people seeking treatment there, and strikes up conversations with them. He asks how they are that day. He walks in the door, and tells me of these conversations he has, on a daily basis, with other cancer patients at MDA. He talks about their own journey, how they are doing and I realize that him seeing familiar faces each day brings about comfort. Secondly, he highlights who the employees were that day, typically by name, and if they were busy or having a good day (or not). He talks about what happens if one of the radiation machines are down, and what that means to the crew - and patients. He himself prefers one of the machines to the other (Versa 2 vs Versa 1), and when the Radiation Machine Versa 2 is down, that change affects him, although in a small way, it changes things up that day. What I found is in cancer treatments, you tend to like the same people doing the same things on the same machine because it makes you feel like there's consistency in the treatment. Whether or not this is true, doesn't matter. As the treatment is probably just fine with changes in staff and machines, but when the results can be life or death, it's easy to think we know what is best - or at least what feels best to us. 

David notices how the MDA employees really have to work in overdrive to get everyone taken care of when one of the radiation machines are down. He's watching and observing the employees, and wondering how they are doing that day. He also knows when to keep his mouth quiet when tensions are high and everyone is busy. What I do know is that he keeps a list on the fridge of the names of the employees and what gift card he's going to get for them - when he's all done - to say Thank You. He's watches the other patients come for their last day of treatment, often in a wheelchair or walking carefully/slowly up to Ring The Bell, as it's coined. Because when it's your last day for radiation treatment, you get to walk over and ring the bell which announces to everyone that you're done with your last treatment. Everyone hoots and hollers and congratulates the patient. It's an exciting day, for sure, for everyone there. David watches them ring the bell, and has already planned on how he's going to ring the bell......when it's his turn. I wish I could be there for that, I really do. 

The scarf is from Aaron, and was knitted from
the wool of his alpacas. 

What is strength, really

During this time in our lives, we both are hanging on tight. It's hard, it's scary, and we each manage it differently, but yet very much the same. It's hard to go to sleep at night because both our monkey minds create new scenarios to think about, surprisingly most of which have nothing to do with what we are dealing with. It's easy to get lost in our minds instead of being rooted in our being. As I've mentioned, prayer and breathe assist me with calming my mind to bring about restful sleep. David is still tweaking what works best for him, in regards to sleep. It's the hardest time of the day, in difficult times and situations, when night falls and all the external stimulus quiets down, and it's just you and the dark. Me in the dark with my messy mind. That's dangerous, and if let unattended, can steal much needed rest and peace from you. As we use our self-awareness to talk about this phenomenon, we each express what's happening, and how we can try new tactics to overcome it. We're trying, but as this train moves down the tracks quickly, and it brings about very fluid feelings and thoughts. Just when you think you have it under "control", that's when new developments occur. 

Speaking of

After 3 weeks of treatment, we have been informed (at this moment) that David has 3 more weeks of treatment (instead of 4 more weeks). Granted, this could change, but it's time to celebrate being half way through. No bell to ring yet though. Just new and continuing symptoms, adjustments in the mind to make, and acceptance of new side effects. An example? Uh, let's see, so many. Like adjusting to no taste and smell. Like adjusting to feeling bad all the time. Adapting to different medications and so many medications to take. Dealing with things you've never had trouble with in you life prior, like constipation and non-stop sour stomach. The feeling of 'you can never drink enough', and you probably can't. Resting 24/7. Remember all those questions at the beginning of our journey here at MDA, that we knew had a reason for asking, yep, we're there. Sleep, yeah not as good as before. Doing things? Well, that's become more difficult for David, as he feels bad much of the time. All those questions in the surveys that we take - are for a reason. They are seeing when "you" hit that point. And we will begin to answer those questions differently as we move through these next 3 weeks.

In the meantime, the uncertainty continues. Let's see, wonder when the bloody noses will start. They said it will. The pounding headaches, yes, can check that one off right now. I've now made a shift in my association of what strength is for us, in this moment. Strength has always included moving through the struggles with tears and smiles. We still do that, actually, because we find humor in most everything that is happening. We laugh alot at what the body can - and will do - unexpectedly. My shift in perspective regarding strength is that I'm able to speak about what the struggles are in this process, and talk about it rather than suffer in silence. There's no need for us to smile through the tears when we really want to be brave and speak our truth. That's the strength we have now. We will talk about the hurt and difficult moments, all while we be brave at the same time. Oddly, the struggle of this happens to also be the most beautiful thing to experience. We are manifesting a big miracle right now. By welcoming the abundance of it all - good and bad - we are living a miraculous life. We expect good things, and will receive more good things. We are grateful, and yearn to be even more grateful for the things to come. It's okay to expect more - and we do expect more. Some of those things will be tough things and others will be blessings. We invite them all to join us, and will embrace what the good Lord brings us. 

Weekend News Update

While David rested and recouped from his week, I made my way to Gunter. Typically, I leave early Sat morning, and come back later Sunday night. It's Go, Man, Go while I'm here. Although very mundane things, I enjoy replenishing the dog, cat and chicken feed bins. I start up the 68 Chevy, the mowers and make sure they don't stay stagnate for too long. I usually always have a burn pile - small or large depending on what I have to burn. I fluff the barn, although not near as much as I used to because Angela and Paul are rocking the Barn Maid service they provide. I do many of the same things that you might do on weekends. We are doing things and grateful for it. 

Oh, but it even gets more exciting. I pick up dog poo in the yard, and I also happened to clean out the inside fridge from top to bottom on this trip. It's just about empty, and is like a brand new fridge. I spend time with all the animals. I clean out the inside of the coops and put fresh bedding in them. I get the egg situation straightened out, by taking old cartons from the fridge (people often times bring their own egg cartons) and organizing what's left in there. I gather the things we need from the house to take back. I sleep in my own bed. I go for a run on country roads. I just do things around here, as there never seems to be a shortage of things to do. 

This time though, I did get my second covid vaccine on Saturday in Dallas. It had been scheduled since my first covid shot, and I didn't want to miss the second one. I'm feeling pretty good afterwards. It's the usual sore arm and wonky feeling, but nothing major. 

Upon entering Dallas early Saturday morning, I picked up Tula (Lauren's dog) to give her a mini vaca on the farm this weekend. AND, I could not resist holding Brooks!  

Sweet thing 

Brooks is holding his head steady and can now face outwards in his carrier. 

He's watching everything around him. He's pure joy. As Lauren and Ryan get ready to move to a house in Fort Worth in a couple of weeks, they are packing up - and if David is up to it, I'll head back to the Dallas area to watch Brooks and Tula while they move on Feb 13th. We'll see how things are going then. It's hard to say right now.

David did some rock painting recently 

Chicken Love

As you know, we lost 2 chickens on the farm this past week, and Love Bug passed away as well. So, 3 total. I did an official count when all the chickens were in bed last night, and counted 46 total. I'll take that. 

Carlos (silkie rooster) is doing well with his 8 girls in the Little Girl Area. None of the hens are sitting on eggs yet or have gone broody, but with time they likely will. They are honkering down in this one house all together with this strong north wind this weekend. It's amazing how they can all fit in there! 

They must have a Zoom meeting coming up

I can't believe they all fit in here.
They really do have a regular coop.

Sorry about the poor video quality. My video option isn’t wanting to work today. I’m guessing user error.

More good news is that Winston is doing wonderful. He loves it when Tula visits as those two really like each other. Old vs young. Winston can't really run around too much, but he does enjoy rolling around in the grass and playing with Tula like that. Some have asked if he's the culprit for the chicken incidents this last week. I'm thinking no. But, I did put a barn cam in the front window so I can watch his activity during the week in the yard. You know, just in case. But I really don't think he did it. 

Winston (left) whose favorite position is lying down

Levi and Whisper are doing their guard dog thing, and the donkeys are living a grand life with a round bale of hay and lots of treats from the visitors who come to our property while we are away. 

Mama and Papa Donkey are the couple I aspire to be

Levi checking things out as usual 

Holding hope tight

We are gearing up for what this week brings. I imagine the week will start off with a shit-storm of side effects, reckoning with the mental and physical side of it, which means a fight to keep sanity through it all. David and I do our fair share of laughing, and our fair share of staring at each other, knowing what the other one is thinking. If I could magically hit the fast-forward button for the next 3 weeks, I would in a second. Yet, what I need to do is buckle in for the next part of this ride on cancer island. Cancer sucks, I don't think anyone disputes that. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, as will David. This is what will see us through, along with our friends and family cheering from the sidelines. 

Hugs to you all,

Cyndi

We SO appreciate this. Thank you Matt and Sarah ❤️