Halloweenie

Guest Blogger Today 😍 Lauren shares a bit of her own little life: 

“What would you like to be for Halloween?” I asked Brooks back in September. “An iguana with icing!” Brooks replied. That character was from “Halloween ABC’s”, a book we’ve read manyyyy times. I suspect he mostly wanted the icing. However, an iguana seemed like a great costume and I quickly found a dragon cape online that could pass as an iguana. Easy on, easy off, and didn’t hinder potty training progress by complicating lowering our pants - I’ll buy it! 

Halloween lesson #1: I asked too early about the costume. 

By the time the iguana costume arrived, Brooks had become obsessed with Mario. In my head, I didn’t want to buy a onesie (see complication with potty training mentioned earlier) that’s cheaply made and will be worn one time. I *thought* it’d be better to purchase overalls, a red long sleeve shirt, and a red hat that he could wear at other times. And I’ll just draw on a beautiful mustache. Smart? Smart. So I thought. 

The first of the Halloween events on the docket: trunk or treat at Brooks’ school. They message stating that costumes should be worn over school clothing so teachers can easily take them off. It’s also a little warmer than it may typically be this time of year. Okay, I’m adaptable! I dress him in shorts (see potty training again), the long sleeve red top, and offer him two Mario hat choices. I sprung for an official Mario hat that he ended up not liking, but resentfully wore for the event. Ryan even made a little felt emblem for his shirt to ensure that everyone knew he was Mario. 

Halloween lesson #2: go all out!

I missed the memo that all of the parents were bringing their top Halloween energy on costumes. One child was dressed in a full policeman get up. There were princesses with long hair clips galore. I went for practical, functional, and (my interpretation of) less wasteful. I really missed the mark. Brooks came home and said, “no one cared about me costume.” Knife to chest! I got teary. I cared about his costume and I had hoped his friends would too. But in comparison to all of the others, he felt not as important. I hit myself with the bad mom stick. Next year, I will be going ALL OUT. 

Determined to get the school memory out of his head immediately, I decided to take him to Beware on the Square in Celina the following day. It’d be a date, just he and I. 

Bootleg Mario strikes again! Halloween lesson #3: candy makes everything better. 

The event on the Celina square was a little overwhelming for Brooks, I mean Mario, but he had a blast. We practiced saying trick or treat, but when the time came Mario could never muster it. Despite this, he was loaded up with candy. So much so that we decided we better sit on the bench to people watch and enjoy some. 

Ah, yes. A little people watching and candy made the sting (to me) of yesterday’s costume snub disappear. We also have a whole additional year to practice saying trick or treat. 

To polish off the Halloween weekend, we decided to take the family to a Fall Festival at a church in Gunter. Bootleg Mario and Bootleg Luigi joined forces. 

Brooks was totally starstruck when he got to meet Princess Peach at the event. There were games, more candy, activities and a train ride. 

His favorite part was the train with Nana, despite the very cold weather this day. 

The Gunter event was much more our speed. Homemade costumes were sprinkled around on kiddos and only a handful went all out. Everyone was kind and laid back. This is what I had imagined the Halloween spirit to be like! 

The Cannon/Mario Brothers Family 

Overall, the weekend was a blast and I hope it filled Brooks’ head with happy Halloween memories of fun events as a family.

We didn’t end up trick or treating as we had planned because both kiddos ended up being under the weather. It turned out that Brooks had RSV, which he passed to Olive. To keep from reliving the details, I will summarize: Olive had a brief 24 hour stint in the hospital the day after Halloween and improved with the medical team’s care. We’re beyond grateful. 

Next year, I won’t be a Halloweenie and will step up my game. I’m coming for you, 2024 Halloween! I wonder what Brooks will want to be. I’ll wait at least until October to ask, make sure we have many candy-filled activities planned, and you better believe I’ll be going all out on his costume. 

New Beginnings

We live

in a world

of

sunrises

if the earth is given a chance to start over every single day, aren't you?

- Cleo Wade

I just love Cleo Wade's work. She's an artist and poet who is an advocate for reminding us through her books and poetry that our life is constantly in a state of design. This means, she says, you have the power to redesign it at all times. Thank you, Cleo. I love your beautiful book, Heart Talk, and your children's book, What The Road Said which is an all-time favorite of mine. 

Books are my window where I see the outer - and inner world around me. And not just because my daughter is a librarian 😉  When I think of what my dream date would look like, it would be with my favorite writers/authors:  Brene Brown, Cleo Wade and Anne Lamott. Inspiring women who write on the topic of (many things!) including vulnerability, hope, shame, resilience and the power of love. They remind me to know the value of knowing my value. 

Gifts of Imperfection (my fav book by Brene Brown)

As I move through my little life, often times unwittingly and unknowingly yet trying hard to be self-aware with mild success, I find myself presented with gifts. My most recent gift? Charlotte. 

Char, who has an a uncanny resemblance to Sugar

Rising Strong (another great read by Brene Brown)

Char is a 2 1/2 year old bichon frice who is the classic broken spirit-rescue-in-need-of-safety-and-love doggo, from a local rescue organization who takes in small dogs that are about to be euthanized. Local shelters call her organization to offer up small dogs "on the list". She dedicates her life to picking these doggies up (young and old) caring for them, and then works to rehome them. 

Why Charlotte? Well, there's irony in this answer. Let's back up this story to when I ended up with Sugar (also adopted) by chance - and not with intention. At the time, I was to see another dog and God decided I needed Sugar. Frankly, we needed each other. Fast forward to now. I've been thinking that Sugar needs a friend to be at home with her, as Maybe slows down. 

Levi is so patient with Maybe.

Maybe waits for him to finish
his meal and lick his bowl
clean for him, of course.
That's what friends are for.

You see, Sugar is a flight risk who thinks that going out in the world to look for me while I'm at work is a good idea. Her dog friends tend to keep her at home and remind her to wait for me. So my thought process is that if I get Sugar a friend now, then they will bond and be each others mates eventually. Bottom line? Sugar does not do well alone, and once Maybe leaves us, Sugar will be alone. 

So, I am to "see about" a small dog who is also a malti-poo and when the lady brings that particular dog to see me, she also brings a surprise dog, Charlotte, whose recently been taken in and not on her website for adoption yet. Char was scared, barking out of her mind, showing her teeth, and just crazed in every way.

Char hid, and her panicky, non-stop barking
 upon her arrival informed me of
her level of scared-ness. 10/10

Poor thing was so scared and I knew it. Others would see her differently, even assuming she was aggressive or mean. I get it, she's exhibiting behavior that appears that way, but yet, this is what dogs (esp rescue dogs and homeless dogs) do to protect themselves from further harm.Yet, in all this chaos,  I knew she was mine and she knew I was hers. We've been side by side ever since. 

Day 1 : after she realized I was here 
to love her, not hurt her.

Charlotte loves the farm, me, her pack-mates of Sugar and Maybe (well, Maybe doesn't love much these days except food and sleep so there's that) and she fell into our routine so quickly that it's like she's always been here. 

Char stayed on a leash with me the first 
few times out to the barn and to 
feed the animals. She met
everyone slowly. 

One thing for sure is: she loves walking and running with the cart/stroller. These two love their cart-time. Maybe also enjoys this as well, but only as a ride-along now.

Charlotte’s particular broken-ness that needs addressing? Most men. She's not a fan and this makes it safe to assume a male has created core memories in her little mind of harm, feeling unsafe or anything along those lines. She's insanely scared of most men. 

So we have some things to work on as most broken dogs from rescues need. After all, Sugar would not let David touch or pick her up for 6 months. Now Char is on that same train in regards to letting a man near her. But it's something we can slowly work on and weave back into her life. We'll focus on helping her feel safe again, giving abundant love and a permanent place in our pack here on the farm. Yes, she does love the 4 livestock guard dogs and is slowly adjusting to the farm animals. But there's one in particular that she's not fond of. Another new gifted farm animal I recently received unexpectedly who’s also scared and unsure of her new life here. Her name is Baby.

Apparently, Baby will not fit in the igloo 
as I had expected she might. She’ll 
need a pig house. 

Power of vulnerability (I love this book, Brene)

Gosh, what happened? Well I was driving home from work the week before last (was it a Wednesday? I don't remember) and I got a phone call from my farrier who was frantic about needing a home immediately for a pig. The conversation went something like this, " The owner is having surgery tomorrow and there's no one to care for the pig. And she's the same size as Maggie (my pig) and she's tame and sweet and used to live in the house and and and and and and can you take her pleeeeease? Her name is Baby and you will just love her!"

Fine, yes, I'll take her. I was feeling completely vulnerable in this situation. And so, I set a boundary. But she has to live outside with Maggie. In a pen. Okay, she says, they will bring her to you tonight. Tonight?! They? Whose they? 

Daring Greatly (another amazing book by Brene)

And sure enough, at 8 pm that same night, a man shows up with a pig named Baby in a open crate on a trailer from where he drove her like that for 2 hours and Baby is scared out of her mind. She's twice as big as Maggie, and I'm told she's only ever eaten people-food, particularly pizza, and is now 'charging' at the man and myself because she's so scared and I'm sure she will take a finger off my hand if given the chance. 

I'm having immediate regrets about this decision. To make the circus even more crazy, Charlotte is barking out of her mind at the man with the scared pig, that I have to place Charlotte (along with Sugar for emotional support) in my truck and roll up the windows so not to scare the pig more. And now to think we have to push/navigate/encourage this pig all the way across the yard and around the barn to Maggie's pen. I had been told she "comes to the shake of food" but this pig aint moving. Baby is not having any of this and could care a less about food this time of night. Let's just say with lots of prodding, pushing and dodging her snout with sharp teeth showing, we finally make it across the yard and around the barn to Maggie's pen with all our fingers intact geeezzzz.

The man could not leave fast enough, and I'm still not exactly sure who he was in relation to all this because it seems it was not his idea to make the 2 hour drive there and back and he knew nothing much about the pig except her name is Baby and she loves pizza. It was a drop and run....for him.

After I see him off, I head back over to Maggie's pen to find Maggie and Baby (both 'only pigs') in a full on pig fight. I've never seen a actual pig fight before but can now be considered an expert on it. They were making pig noises I've never heard or knew existed. Baby is huge and the hair she does have was standing straight up along her neck and down her back. She looked like a wild boar. What have I done. 

Pig Fight Rules:

1) Don't try to break it up yourself unless you want to get bit by a pig.

2) Figure out how to distract them with food or something. Anything.

3) Separate them immediately and in any way you can and keep them that way. And in this case, at 9:30 pm, figure out a fence situation to keep them from harming each other.  

4) Find the antimicrobial spray for all the bites on their ears and sides of their faces.

5) Figure out why you said yes when you should have said no. Apparently, my life story. 

Luckily, I'm a Fence Master and I have random fencing around the farm that I could throw together to keep them separate. And that I did. I place fairly-strong portable fencing down the middle of Maggie's pen to keep them apart. That'll do, I think, until I can get something more permanent for them. I gotta get to bed. 

As I laid in bed that night, I wondered who would be the winner of this pig fight? Maggie was protecting her space. Baby was scared and mad. Maggie is smaller yet more agile. Baby doesn't move about well due to her size but man that girl has some sharp teeth and is not afraid to use them. The answer to this question was not one I wanted to know the answer to. I would need to keep these only children, I mean only pigs.....separate. What have I done. Oh I've already said that, haven't I. 

Morning comes and everyone is still alive - and separate. I do my morning farm chores and head into workie work. I arrive back home from work 10 hours later jiggity jig and guess whose back together? No, not Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott. Those silly pigs.

And guess whose all bit up again on their ears and face, again. Yep, you guessed it. Maggie and Baby. Baby pushed that fence apart in one weak area, just enough to slip through and apparently regretted not being able to get back to her side, by the looks of things. Let's just say I spent a fair amount of time fixing the fence to where that would not happen again. And sprayed their wounds with anti microbial spray once again. 

The purple on her is the color of the 
wound spray

This is going to be a long term living situation. Separate, that is. And am I to keep Baby forever? Is anyone going to take her back? This I still do not know. Yet, it's pretty safe to assume I'll be keeping her at this point. Which means I need to build her a pig house because the igloo is much too small for her. After all, Maggie can get in it and used to sleep in it before I got her an official pig house. But this is not true for Baby. Baby happens to be a much larger girl, as well as older which lends to her residency here at the sunshine senior resort. She gets to live out the rest of her years here, assuming that she is allowed to stay, which I’m thinking the answer to that is yes. Funny thing is, nobody has said for sure about her length of stay, nor have I asked. No matter that, Welcome, Baby!

They do well together with a fence in between

Obviously not the same breed of pig 🙄

So I'm in the process of building her a pig house from random things around on the farm. I have positioned her in a place in Maggie’s pen that is actually under an awning already. Yet, I need to make sure she is warm as the winter arrives. Pigs get cold as they have little fur or hair to keep them warm. So a pig house is being constructed around her spot she's chosen, all on her own. She's decided where she's comfortable, and that's okay, Baby. I'll build it around you. And so I did. 

I've taken misc things around the farm and
created Baby a shelter of her own. 
It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there. 

The random door is a temp roof. 
There's still work to do to get 
her house winter-ready. 
Her pig house will be made from
ingredients I already have.

Braving the Wilderness (such a good book, Brene)

As both Charlotte and Baby settle into this brave new world they have been dropped into, I rejoice. Char has come around quickly showing her ability to potty train, accept Ryan who is a male in the house, learn the routines we have around the farm, and begin to trust her life again and show her cute little personality. She's independent yet needy, strong yet scared, and learning to love again. She'll be wonderful for Sugar because they each have traits the other does not. God knows. He just knows what we all need. I'm forever grateful.

And what a wonderful time to express our gratitude over this Thanksgiving holiday. It's hard to say just one thing that I'm thankful for because I feel thankful for everything. Esp the gift of waking up each day. For my health. For the love I'm able to give and receive. For family and friends. For the opportunity to work and help others, all while being able to pay my bills. Everything. And during our Thanksgiving meal......

Inspection in progress

Asking what the mashed potatoes are.
Have we not given this to him before? 😮

.....when I asked Brooks what he's thankful for, giving him an example of monster truck. He says back to me, "That's not a food". And in that moment, I realized in his mind, Thanksgiving was a time to be thankful for food things. You can only say a food your thankful for. He picked bread. I picked turkey (sorry Paul). And the realization of how impactful we are as adults to influence these young minds is daunting. Everything we say and do seeps into their brains. What a huge responsibility we have to all children to steer them, teach them, and help them become grateful and helpful human beings. Certainly one of the hardest things we do in life. 

I'm heading out to the barn to care, love and relish in these beautiful creatures I've been gifted. May your holidays be filled with love and light. 

And may your first love last forever.

You are your first love. Take care of yourself.

-Cleo Wade

Until next time,

Cyndi

The Easiest Thing

 

My happy place

Since becoming divorced, the most common question I get is, "How are you going to take care of the farm by yourself?" and although no one acts like they believe me, my answer is always : "It's actually probably one of the easiest things I do in my life". Ahhhh, the look I get. Or the skepticism I receive in return. Or the constant 'concern' from some. Of which none of this phases me. We don't know what we don't know. It's hard for others to really know and understand what it takes to run the farm, sell eggs, buy and keep feed for the animals, and the general care and upkeep of not only the animals but the property and buildings. 

There's a secret I have learned in this endeavor: keep it simple. I've narrowed down things around the farm. Such as the 4 self-feeding feeders for the chickens. The water buckets near water sources for easy filling. A weekly barn clean rather than daily. A am and pm feeding time that all animals expect, and know where to be for their particular feeding (horses, pig, goats, and livestock guard dogs, as the sheep and chickens self-feed). Feed in the Tack Room is placed in a manner for easy access and storage. I have an 'egg table' I use to prep the eggs for sale. Everything is in it's place and there's a place for everything. And after the barn remodel recently, I'm happy to report that it has made my life even easier. And another happy update to report: all the chickens are sleeping in the barn now. No one is being silly and trying to sleep outside on the fence. This is very important to me as winter approaches. I really want everyone as warm and comfortable as they can be. 

How can you say no to this girl

Hope reminds me daily how to
love and live life ❤️‍🩹

Over the years, I've learned so much about all this farm stuff. I had no idea whatsoever what I was doing when I first started out. I was just bouncing along trying to figure it out. Let's just say there was a tall vertical learning curve. Luckily, I've failed forward time and time again. Just like in ultra running, a DNF (did not finish) is at times, considered more valuable than a finish in a race. Why? Because we learn when we fail, or at least are given an opportunity to learn, and attempt to figure out how to do better and what changes one might make to be more successful in the future. The question for me is, when I fail at something, do I take that as an opportunity to improve. That's key. And I try to fail forward. Sometimes I make mistakes multiple times before I realize this. But hey, I try to try - and give myself full credit for it. 

I'm happy to say I'm at a place in my life where caring for the farm is one of my most favorite things I do, besides run and bike which are also still a couple of my favorite things to do in life. I'm fortunate I can still do these things and will keep at it until I can't. I'm happy to report that everyone on the farm is doing well! And I'm doing well, too. Wait, no, not well, I'm doing great. 

Who's not doing so great

Like millions of children worldwide do, Olive contracted RSV.

It was Halloween and the pediatrician and 
staff were all Frozen characters

As you are probably well aware, RSV is no joke. RSV hospitalizes thousands of children each year, and leaves many with reactive airways that take time to recover from. While some who get RSV have a mild case, many infants can have a severe case that causes a need for further medical assistance. The CDC reports that RSV is the leading cause of infant hospitalization in the U.S. 

Once Olive was diagnosed, she had already seen her pediatrician once and was suspected of having RSV. The next day, and another visit to the pediatrician because she was worsening at a exponential rate, she was tested and shown to be positive for RSV. That night, she was in the ER with low oxygen sats and high heart rate as her body tried to compensate for the struggle to breathe. She was sent home from the ER once they were able to stabilize her. And it was the next morning that another ER visit due to breathing complications bought her a stay in the hospital. 

It was a scary time for Lauren and Ryan having a child, like millions do, with RSV who struggle to breathe. So many people have 'RSV stories' much like we have 'birth stories'. It's a traumatic experience to have a child in respiratory distress. Thank goodness for health care, health care workers and wonderful hospitals who care for these 2, 3 and 4 month old babies who are wading their way through the river of an insurmountable amount of sticky icky mucous in their lungs and nasal cavities along with fever as the trump card to make them feel even more awful. 

The interventions? Regular suctioning of the nasal cavity, albuterol breathing treatments, fluid via IV, humidifier, and in some babies, supplemental oxygen and feeding tubes. It's hard for babies to take a bottle when they can't breathe through their nose. If I had to guess, you have experienced this personally with your own baby or know someone who has. It's like the covid except the infant version, RSV. Ugh. Poor Olive. All those poor babies suffering. Heartbreaking to watch. 

Hard to see the tiny ones so sick

I'm happy to report that Olive is on the mend. She's still (what we call in the health care world) gunky. She's still recovering. But wow, what a marvelous corner she turned and started getting better slowly, and then faster. If only all the RSV infants could be that lucky. We are most grateful, and Lauren and Ryan may need therapy after all that excitement. How'd Brooks do through it all? He did great, and he knew his sister was sick and in the hospital. But he doesn't know to worry yet. We as adults will teach him that unfortunately. There has to be a place in this world, somewhere, where worry is not a thing. Worry does absolutely nothing except take up room in our brain rent-free. Eckhart Tolle once said : Worry is a waste of time. Either do something about - or let it go. 

I think about that each time I fall into worry. I think: 1) what can I do about the situation concerning me, and 2) if I can not do anything about it, I let it go. I pass it onto my higher power, God to deal with. He's got it all under control.

Brooks did not worry. I did not worry. Olive was receiving care and being well taken care of at the hospital and I was so glad she was there. 

Matter of fact, Brooks and I were at home while Ryan and Lauren were at the hospital, and he was busy helping me feed the animals, play outside, and regular life things. He waited for things to get better knowing that they would and they did. Kids are naturally great at that until they are taught otherwise. Anxious parents create anxious children, and if only we could not gift that anxiety to them. But that in itself takes self awareness and a mission to make change in our own life, to combat that. The world does not deserve children. So innocent and pure. Unknowing of what's to come. 

I digress. I'm happy to report Olive is recuperating and doing great considering everything she's gone through. That makes us all beyond happy. And grateful. And amazed at what the human body can do. 

It better be good news this time

Speaking of the human body, more good news. My recent change to monthly blood cancer treatments is going well. So well in fact, that I get to stay monthly unless my lab numbers say otherwise. I no longer feel like I live at Texas Oncology. Polycythemia Vera is a progressive blood cancer, yet right now, my PV is staying relatively stable.

Cancer is interesting. If you survive it (David) or if you are stable and considered doing well by your oncologist (Cyndi) then somehow it's seen as a personal victory, as if we had something to do with that outcome. Both David's, as well as my own oncologist, consider us great cancer patients. They tell us that. Like we have anything to do with our cancer status. It's kind of funny because the cancer is out of our control, and we are seeking treatment (or in David's case, sought treatment) and we get the credit for doing well. Funny how that works. I just nod and agree, like I have anything to do with it. The reality is that when I say, "Back at cha" to my oncologist, he smiles and we silently know it's a team effort. I know I'm just freaking lucky. Not everyone draws the 'doing well' card. And I'm aware enough to know I have to give that card back one day. 

For now though, I'm doing the things I want to do while I can still do them. One of them being to run.

I happen to be out on a run Sunday morning, and stopped to take in the beauty all around me. I reflected on how I was feeling in that moment, and felt one with the road. This area is on a route I've not run for a bit and there's a reason for that. As I traveled down the road only a bit further, I came to a favorite spot in the valley where a stream trickles, the leaves in the trees rustle with the wind, and squirrels play freely without a care in the world. This particular spot always makes me smile and I would (and still do) always pause there. 

Peace ☮️ 

And then I realize why I haven't allowed myself to run there in a long while. While that spot is so spectacular, it always reminds me that I'm not picking that in my own life. It's a spot where my 'knowing' reminds me that I'm not being true to myself. It's a spot that reminds me life can be so beautiful and free if only I would chose that. It's a spot where happiness would crash straight on with sadness and remind me that I wasn’t being true to me. 

Something about this spot 🥰

It's at this very spot where God would whisper in my ear each and every time I ran through it "isn't this so beautiful" and follow it up with "are you being true to you?" and I would lie to both of us, each time and answer yes. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was not being truthful to my own self. Lying to myself. Which ultimately caused me to begin the process of not trusting myself. 

She waits, this little heart of mine

Ahhh, what a sad place to be when you cannot trust yourself. I knew what to do. I just didn't do it, for a thousand reasons which none of them made sense, but I pretended they made sense. I was staying in a marriage that I knew was not good for my own emotional well-being. And knowing there's no such thing as one way liberation. I would need to liberate us both. And so I did. 

So on this Sunday, it was the first time that God did not whisper that to me. I had set myself free and this time, pausing to enjoy the moment, taking in the smells, the sights, the breeze on my face and the sunlight on my skin but most importantly, knowing I was being true to myself now. I was able to fully enjoy this amazing place knowing I had made the hard decision to be true to myself and move forward with life - on my own. It was the first time I was at this spot and felt safe. I felt free. I also felt like I set both David and I free. 

You see, the dark of night (after separation and divorce) brings clarity - if your willing to let it in. Denial can be strong in these situations, which can block the clarity. I've worked hard on letting in the harsh reality of what I was doing in my marriage. I'm still working on accepting the various responsibility of my part in this rupture and what exactly I was doing to make things worse for both David and I. I even started making a list, to remind myself of what I need to work on so that I can try not to carry it further in my life. Lofty goal, yes. Yet, in order to move forward in my life, I need to accept responsibility for my own behaviors and work on forgiving myself. Along with learning to trust myself. I'm only accountable for me, and I have some accounting to do, people. 

This brings me back to the places and roads I run that bring about feelings of unhappiness because of something that was happening at a given time in my marriage. Kind of like certain music often reminds people of particular situations or feelings. In my case, routes/places of which I run often remind me of feelings and things that have happened in my own life, specifically in my marriage. And unfortunately, they have not all been fond.

And as much as David and I tried to figure out an answer to what I call 'chronic conflict', what I learned is that sometimes there is no answer. Therefore letting one another go is the nest step. What we often perceive as being with someone for a lifetime is sometimes really just being with someone for a season. And the acceptance of that can be daunting. 

Yet, in many ways, this is good news for David and I. To let one another go. There comes a time to move forward so not to destroy one another. It sounds dramatic, but let me tell you, chronic conflict does not bring out the best in me. Esp over long periods of time. Sometimes I felt like a bystander in my own life, falling back on my ambivalence. And that did not serve me well. 

One thing I know for sure is that chronic conflict does not look pretty on me, I'll tell you that. I tried to make it look good, be good, and paint him perfect through it all. But even I have a breaking point. I can now say that my 'knowing' reminds me often that I made the right decision. Grieving and sadness is part of this process, but the ability to say, hey, I'm truly happy, feels damn good. 

I know what your next question is, too. How's Lauren? How's the house dynamics now? Well, that’s for another day. For now, it's back to running the old routes that I miss and making new memories on those familiar roads. I’ll be looking at life from a new and different perspective on these well-run roads. Knowing I'm coming home to me. 

And soon to be 60,

Cyndi

The favorite part of my day

We all have it, a favorite part of our day we really look forward to. Sometimes it's on the weekends and sometimes it's a particular time in each of our days, and sometimes it might be on a day off work but there's likely a part of the day we really love. Mine is when I go to the barn.....but you probably already knew that. 

Love you to the barn and back

Over the years, you have seen in this blog the constant changes inside (and outside) the barn. Let's see, stalls for sheep and/or lambing. Movement of the chicken coop or additions of roosting spots and bars. Makeshift stalls for the horses. Feed and hay over here then feed and hay moved over there. It's probably been exhausting to watch and at the same time, it's been my every dream come true. 

Most people love to move the furniture in their living room around, or in their bedroom. I love to move things around in my barn. And lately, since it's me, myself and I caring for everyone in the outside world on the farm, I decided it was time for a barn remodel. Mainly, the elimination of the wood flooring on the easterly part of the barn. That wood floor has seen some things. Sheep poo, sheep lambing extracts (blood, placenta, you get the idea) and primarily, chicken ick. And you know how wood is.....it's like your mother-in-law, unforgiving. 

This wood floor has served me well, but it's time
for it to go. 

I plan on using this space for roosting opportunities
for the girlz. I still have about 18-20 hens sleeping 
outside, and I'd like to woo them inside before it gets cold.

Then on the westerly side of the barn (this is all inside the barn mind you) I had the flooring taken up there which was huge heavy barn mats to find underneath it all was (drum roll) dirtish gravelish stuff.

The flooring on this westerly side of the barn was 
primarily thick black mats, which was okay. But
now both sides of the concrete (which is down the middle
of the barn) will be gravel, and 
chickens love to scratch around in gravel.

Surprisingly, no mice were found in the removal of any of the barn flooring (esp under the wood floor) which was shocking because I had recently just discovered I had a mouse family living inside my over/stove inside my house nesting in the insulation that surrounds the oven itself, who feasted on the appliance wires along with whole pieces of bacon underneath the stove that I have no idea how that got there. The mouse family could live there as if it were covid times and never leave their cozy little home they made. Until they ate the wrong wire and the oven started smoking and it wasn't even turned on. Long story, but let's just say that it was on Brooks birthday with people at the house and nothing caught fire which was a miracle because if nobody had been home it would have been a different story for sure. That oven/stove is now gone and a new one in it's place that has no mice. I have child and pet-proof mouse "traps" now all around the inside of my house to hopefully prevent that situation again. I never even knew that could be a thing. Mice living inside an appliance, but now I know. 

Wow, I got lost. I was talking about no mice in the barn during the remodel. And probably because there's 130 chickens around that would chase it. So as the flooring on both the east and west sides of the concrete (right down the middle of the barn like a runway) was being removed, a decision of what to put in its place needed to be made. I went with a "base" similar to what's under a real gravel road and then gravel on top of that. Yeah, like a gravel road in my barn. 

So this side of the barn now has plenty of places for the 
chickens to roost and sleep. The gravel has replaced the 
old, stinky wood. 

So I wasn't sure this was a great idea but I did it anyway because that's how I roll in my life now. I'll call it doing Cyndi Things. Turns out, it's working well. Whether it's dirt, gravel, concrete or anything on the floor in a chicken barn, it's going to get dirty and daily and weekly cleaning is necessary. Side note: If you are thinking about getting chickens it will be the best and worst decision you've ever made. Chickens are dirty and one must be prepared to live with chicken poop in their life. Hence, why most people do not chose to have chickens.

This side of the barn now has 2 coops which the chickens
love to sleep on - and in. And all new gravel . The concrete
floor in the barn stayed as it and supports the gravel areas well. 

As you glance over these pics, you'll notice I moved a few things around, and the chickens were not happy about that because chickens hate change. They absolutely hate change and never want anything moved around, esp their roosting spots. 

This is looking right down the middle of the barn. 
It's dusk and the chickens are starting to come in and find
their resting spots for the night.

In order to make my life easier, I've now taken all the chicken feeders and placed them inside the barn. I have 4 big chicken feeders and they each hold 50 lbs of feed. Everyone shares nicely. Even the goats try and eat the chicken feed, too. Now, feeding my chickens is super easy. It's all inside the barn and ready for winter and safe from rain. I still have waters in the barn and outside the barn, but with summer gone, I have far less water buckets out so that's less time, too. 

The one area that did not change was the horses stalls. Those are concrete areas with cush-y mats (for horse hoof comfort) and stayed as is. Dora and Hope are both very used to their am and pm feedings inside the barn. 

Hope, you're looking good! 

The summer fans are being stored in the
horse's area.

Excuse the messy floor, as I typically clean it on the
weekends now. The barn tenants don't seem to mind. 

The routine and rituals inside the barn are what helps ease the work with so many animals. They all know what to expect and when to expect it. Feedings in the am and pm have become easy and not overly time consuming. I also only clean the barn weekly now, and since it's never going to rain again, mowing has gone down to almost zilch. Farm chores are actually a time for me to bond with my fur and feathered farm animal friends and make sure everyone is okay, fed and watered. The best part is all the pets I'm able to give to everyone as less time on chores means more time for the animals (CoCo The Goat, Dora the Mini, and Maggie The Pig are all very fond of pets as are many of the chickens) and the love I receive in return is not measurable on a scale. It's infinity. 

The amount of love, joy and abundance I receive is what fills my cup up every morning, and what brings peace to my day each evening.

It was during this remodel that I did begin the process of putting up some summer things (think fans and extra water buckets) and begin bringing out winter things such as doors and walls that need to be placed back on some of the coops (for warmth from the cold, eventually). 

During the extreme heat of the summer, I remove
the nesting box doors and also the door(s) to the
coop(s) because it just gets too hot in there for them.
It's time to start putting them back on now.

So in this remodel, I've moved the nesting boxes around which the chickens hate when I do that and I try not to do that often. 

I've added the nesting boxes here.

And the best part? Paul is super excited that he has his mirror back and his special perch (saw horse) where he stays much of the time, staring at himself. He perches on top of the saw horse each evening/night and sleeps there. He's also one to sleep in, and is usually last off his roost in the mornings. 

His saw horse roost in now in front of
his mirror and he loves his "area"!

Forever admiring

Forever nearby

This is probably one of my favorite changes to the barn remodel, is Paul's Area. He absolutely loves it - and deserves it. He's one of a kind and he better live forever or my heart might actually break in two. Did you hear that Paul? Featherever. Never leave me.

I had a problem initially though. Coco was occupying the mirror so much, I had to move Paul's perch over in front of his mirror to keep CoCo from playing with her new goat-friend in the mirror, much less that I was afraid she was going to break the mirror. 

Eventually CoCo left her new friend in the mirror alone, so Paul could have his mirror back. I'm often reminded of the personalities the animals all have. They are varied and remind me of humans. Each farm animal has their very own distinct personality and we as humans disassociate from that as we eat them for food. But it's true. Each animal is special, and I love learning from them and observing their behaviors and watching their personalities develop and evolve. CoCo is super social yet Pearl wins the beauty contest around here for her gorgeous white fur and stunning blue eyes, but she could never actually receive an award as all the confetti falling from the ceiling would cause her to faint. I try not to scare her because I hate to see her fall over. It's funny and sad all at the same time. 

Pearl waits for me right here 💕

I'm also happy to report that Belle and Lulu are living out their senior years in the back pasture and are doing great. And as I type this, I realize that Noah from the Ark would be proud. I have many animals "in two's". 2 goats, 2 sheep, 2 ducks, 2 mini horses, Maggie The Pig almost qualifies for being 2 pigs-in-one as she's a big girl for sure, and Paul counts as 2 because his friend in the mirror actually counts as his +1. Even Maybe and Sugar are so bonded they could be a true pair. And 2 sets of Great Pyrenees brother/sister combos of Levi and Whisper, and Dutch and Penny. Yes, Noah, we are also a fan of animals going Two by Two with the exception that there's no reproduction happening on this ark farm.

And with this new configuration and remodel of the barn, things seem to have settled down and everyone is finding their roosting place again. Some in similar places and others finding new places to roost for the night. 

The chickens are really enjoying the jungle gym that Sheryl's
family brought to the farm for Brooks. I found the chickens
use it far more than any children do, and that's okay. 

Sometimes a child's play gym is really a
chicken roost in disguise.

The one thing I know for sure is that a sleeping chicken is a pooping chicken. So, what I've had to do is place black mats under each roosting area so that I can clean up the poop easier. The gravel is great but it's easier to clean a flat surface, and now that all the mats are under the chicken sleeping areas, I think I'm set. I'm so pleased with the new remodel, the new changes and the new feel that the barn has. It makes me happy and I love seeing all the animals happy, too. Now, if I just just lure those last few chickens roosting outside to come inside the barn, I'll really be happy. Silly chickens. Winter is coming.

And while I clean up my own life, I'm cleaning up the things 
around me. I've taken down this feeding area outside the barn.
It's now an area where they dust bathe.

I had forgotten what driving up to the house looks like with
all this gone.

(This is the BEFORE pic)
The chickens used this area before, and actually still do, except 
there's no fencing now. The fencing was to keep out Maggie,
the sheep and the goats out of the food in this area,
but that's not an issue any longer.

Lots of changes inside and outside the barn. Lots of changes in my own life. I'm happy to report everyone is doing well. Brooks turned 3, Olive is almost 4 months old and I started to include much of that in this post, but realized I'd break the blog because it would be so long. So I'll leave you with this:

3 years old now

Olive gets the award for the most smiles

Watching Lauren with these
two sweeties is the joy of 
my life 💝

We'll cover all the changes from inside the actual house, next time. You know me. I gotta get my barn settled to settle my soul. I can check that off my chick list and cock-a-doodle do my next project. 

Til then,

Cyndi

The chickens have made a request

 

Recently, the chickens had a good idea. They sent Pecky Becky to report their request: a remodel of their barn - and I think it's a great idea!

Barn Re-Do Please

One of the Before pics:

The old wood floor and the lambing stalls are a couple of items included in the remodel. And so it begins......

Once complete, I'll let you know how it turns out! I just know the chickens are gonna love it. 

A New Settlement

There's no justice to the way tragedy visits us 

We all have unsettling and difficult times in our lives, some people more than others. When hard times fall upon us, that's when we are provided the privilege to determine if we move through it with an open heart and listening ears or stay true to our old ways. 

It's my turn to make this determination. Because as some know and others do not, here's a recent announcement David and I made to close family and friends:

Dearest friends, we wanted to share some information with you today. After much thought, discussion, reflection and loving consideration, we have made the decision to separate and divorce. We are much better friends to one another, and look forward to supporting each other as we always have in our lives. There are no sides, there is just us. You may find us sitting on the patio together, visiting with you  together, or sharing a meal together. We felt it important that you know so it would not come as a surprise when we have the opportunity to hug your neck sometime soon. Please also know that we are uncoupling amicably and with understanding and compassion for one another. 

Untying the knot is never easy, yet we will continue to strive to do right by one another. With grace and love, Cyndi and David

Cool Change

In this particular season of my life, I've began noticing how often one of my favorite songs, Cool Change by The Little River Band is coming through the speakers of my truck. It has always reminded me that spending time alone - and in nature - is healing, needed and often wanted. Each time I hear it, it's as if it's speaking to me directly. It's time for a cool change. 

Although many may not or will not understand why this decision has been made, I know that others will place their judgment, opinions and their own past experiences to mine, as it seems to be human nature to do this to one another and often times without even knowing we are doing it. And although many will want to know the nitty-gritty of the why's, I understand that it's mine to keep. And it's mine to share if I desire to do so. At this time, it's best for me to stay focused on myself. 

I've watched many folks around me in the last many years who've divorced and I've watched closely how they act and what they say. Many of whom I've taken a page out of their book on how to navigate the road ahead and how society around you will react. You see, many people see divorce as shameful and quite frankly, as failure. Yet, for me, I see how divorce can be healing and beneficial. I see it as a path back to me. 

This keep happening

It's the patterns and cycles that dictate the direction a relationship is steered. Many patterns are good for a relationship and others not-so-good. As I contemplated whether to stay or go in my own relationship, I had to recognize that I would be grieving either way. Because each path requires me to trade something for something else. I made the hard and difficult decision that leaving the relationship would then allow me to see where my choices and actions would match my core beliefs, values and true self. There were parts of me that I lost along the way in my marriage and I now know that they are not lost forever. 

Stay true

Once our decision was made, David and I agreed on many things and one of them was the salvage of integrity. We both desire the respect and dignity for not only ourselves, but for the other. Tearing each other apart is never beneficial for anyone. 

So as we stay true to ourselves, we also try very hard, and I mean very hard to treat each other with decency during the messy middle of a divorce. Sometimes we have to try to try and that's all we can do on a given day. Sometimes the emotions that are felt in a single day surpass a number that seems greater than the universe allows. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I'm the happiest I've ever been. Yet, all the time.....I know this is part of the process of letting go and grieving. It's hard no doubt. There is an ultimate goal of 'us' to stay friends, and anyone that's been through a divorce can tell you that this isn't an easy goal. We are trying to try, and attempting to talk through feelings as they arise. We don't have to agree. We just need to listen. We need to understand how each of us, all along, were experiencing this marriage very differently. We need to understand how our origin wounds affect our lives now. We need to understand that we ourselves may need to reparent ourselves and heal that inner child within us. We need healing and clarity and this new path gives me a way there. Inner work typically goes unnoticed and unrecognized. The self awareness it takes to recognize its necessary is a bill pill to swallow. 

So as we make our way in this new world, please bare with us. It's easy and hard all at the same time. Regulating emotions during hardship is a work in progress. Right now, I'm busy loving myself, dating myself and taking the crown and putting it back on my beautiful head. 

So what is the new settlement you speak of

I think what I call the new settlement is all of us, yes every last one of us (David, Lauren, Ryan, Brooks and Olive) are all settling in to our new physical and emotional places. We are figuring out what to say and what not to say. For as many years as this has been building, the actual rupture requires understanding and patience from us all. So much learning taking place. So many beautiful gifts we are receiving during this time. Gifts of grace to one another and learning that it's okay that we are where we are at in our lives. The practice of self-compassion is key. We are humans doing human things and we won't necessarily get it right the first, or second time we do things. But we keep trying to try. After all, faith functions best when we don't know what's around the corner. 

Broken crayons still color,

Cyndi