Doubling down

This little piggy

Never thought this day would come but apparently I'm a pig-taker for piggies who've previously lived in people-houses. And then those people in the people-houses realize what a terrible idea that was and look for people such as myself. 

And once again, I've been in contact with a family who has an indoor piggie looking for a forever home. Maybe I'm a new contact out on the interwebs for this. This time though, I'm thinking I’ll be a little more careful and choosy about taking another piggy in to the farm. But let me go see about it and I'll decide. Which is code for: I'm getting it no matter what. So I traveled to Bells and met a man in the parking lot of The Dollar Store with a pig named Wilbur. Wilbur is in the front passenger seat and the man is in the drivers seat. He rolls down Wilbur's window for him, and I knew right away he was ready to give me Wilbur. He proceeds to show me pictures of Wilbur in their house, snuggling with his kids in bed, and telling me how great Wilbur is. When I ask about any bad behaviors that Wilbur might have, the man tells me that really his only bad trait is tearing up plastic trash bags. I’m thinking, yes, that sounds about right, Wilbur is getting into the trash.

Nonetheless, I look at Wilbur and think I don’t really want a boy pig because I have two girl pigs - but yet, he’s so tiny and sweet. I ask how old he is and the man says just over a year old and that he’s become reproductively active (code for humping his human family members).

Granted, Wilbur is 12 pounds and mostly full grown at this point. He is what they call a micro mini potbelly pig. He will remain small, but will actually get a little bigger as he continues to grow between one and two years old.

Riding shotgun
He gives pig-in-a-blanket all new meaning

And once again, the story is the same. Wilbur has been living in the house and has become more destructive and is growing up to be a typical boy pig. His family is ready for him to find a new home and, of course, want him to go somewhere with somebody who will keep him inside. 

I find this common pig-in-the-house story thread a bit crazy and silly. When people tell me about their 'indoor pig story' and how it's not working out well for them yet they want their indoor pig to go to someone else to live indoor to possibly destroy someone else’s indoor things blah blah blah it's always an interesting story - yet it never makes sense to me. 

Maybe is unsure of this new creature in the
truck, esp since I gave him her blanket for
the ride home.

So as I drive home with Wilbur in my passenger seat, I’m thinking about how I’ve been told that he is potty trained and will potty on a puppy pad. So on my way back home, I stop and buy puppy pads and bring Wilbur home to begin his new life with us in the laundry room. For now.

It’s one thing if I lived by myself and allowed farm animals to live in the house with me. If I were to do that, Paul The Turkey would be the first one in the house. But since it’s very cold outside and I’m not sure how Wilbur‘s gonna do outside in the cold, Wilbur will live in the laundry room until I decide what to do with him. That seems like a fair trade versus free reign of the whole house. I feel sure Lauren and Ryan would not like a tiny pig mingling amongst us all in the house.

But first things first…..

The Littles investigate Wilbur thoroughly
in the garage before heading inside.

Then the livestock guard dogs need to
give their approval ✅

Wilbur is tolerant of their inquisitive
nature, and then moves on.

So now it’s time to head to the laundry room for the evening and I’ve got him set up with water and food - and I’ll check on him early in the morning. Wilbur takes very little time in locating the dog bed and lays down on it, then immediately snuggles up under the blanket (on the dog bed) like he's a boss. And then....he’s asleep. It’s been a long day for Wilbur. Getting a new home, making new friends, investigating the new yard, and wondering where did his family go? 

The next morning I go downstairs with the 3 Littles and find Wilbur fast asleep on the dog bed underneath the blanket nestled in tightly, all nice and warm. It is cold outside, yet he awakens and follows me outside with the 3 Littles and everyone goes potty - including him. Wonderful I think, he may actually be potty trained. His previous owner had told me that he always went outside with their dogs to potty, except when they were gone and he would use the puppy pad. Perfect. This isn’t all bad. He would need to stay in the laundry room during the day while I go to work, and Lauren was agreeable to let him go outside to potty. Wilbur did really well. But I already knew he wasn’t gonna be staying in the house long-term. Very soon, it’s going to be time for him to meet his new pig friends when the weather is a little nicer. 

And that's just what happened that very afternoon after I arrived home from work.....

That afternoon brought particularly nice weather,
so Wilbur and I went out to meet Maggie first…

Little did I know that Maggie would instantly
love him.❤️

Their love was real. They were each other’s kind. Biggie and Smalls. Wilbur tried to love her a little too much, and surprisingly, Maggie was receptive. Luckily, Wilbur is much too tiny of a pig to cause too much damage for Maggie or should I say impregnate Maggie. It could happen, right? Only time will tell, but I know one thing for sure: I’m going to get Wilbur fixed soon.

So you ask what about Baby the Boar? She’s not interested whatsoever in Wilbur nor is Wilbur interested in Baby. It’s only a Maggie and Wilbur love affair. A match made nowhere, but here on the Graves Farm.

Before I knew it, I was looking around for Wilbur. I soon found him in Maggie‘s pig house. He was snuggled all up in the straw. Wilbur looked up at me from his Maggie-pig-house-snuggles and he let me know that he had found his forever home and his home is with Maggie. From that day on on, he and Maggie would share her pig house and Wilbur would never be cold as Maggie would always make sure they were cuddled up together. I wasn’t sure if Maggie was taking care of him like a son or like a boyfriend, but either way, Wilbur was well taken care of by Maggie from the start. Wilbur never slept in the laundry room again. 

So inside the Goat and Pig Pen, everyone
is getting along wonderfully.
Wilbur has found his forever home….
And his forever herd ❤️
And his forever girl, Maggie ❤️

And as this beautiful love story continues, I did get Wilbur his own little house that only he fits in. So no other friend can go in his little house and he always has a place to escape to, should he need to. A guy needs to have a place of his own now and then. And that’s where I feed him every day too, is in his own little pig house, so he will always be able to have his fair share of food. But you guessed it, each and every night he sleeps with his homegirl Mag Pie.

I goat this

As this wonderful opportunity blossoms where the pigs and goats live together in harmony (with the primary goal of controlling their feed intake so they all will maintain a healthy weight), I decided it was time to make a few changes for the betterment of them all. First, I would increase the amount of space they have in their pen. And secondly, I would get the goats their own goat houses so that everyone has their own space for warmth and protection from the wind. 

It may be hard to tell from the photo,
but I have more than doubled their space.
The burn pile is actually inside
their pen now and that’s not intentional
- just how it worked out 🤷

They have so much more room now and seem to enjoy it.
I had a few random chickens joining in the fun,
but that’s because it took me a while to secure
the actual fencing so that nobody could get in -
or get out

You might have spotted Brooks in the pictures, too. He loves to go in the Goat and Pig Pen and play with his little tikes toys.....who I had actually given these to the goats to play on. Brooks wasn’t playing on them until the goats wanted to play on them, and now they all play on them together. 💟

I love how everybody just gets along🥰

They each enjoy the attention from one another

When I was looking for a goat house (or two) I noticed that shelters-like-that at retail stores, such as Tractor Supply, were not only expensive but not well-made. So I begin looking around for something that was durable for the goats and I came across a guy on Craigslist who makes larger-sized dog houses at his home and sells them off Craigslist. I contacted him and he had two of his bigger dog houses available and was willing to make me a deal. I was not wanting to build one myself, as I certainly appreciate the work and skill that goes into building them. Instead, I have cash for that. 

So I loaded up the trailer on the back of the truck, and I drove to Lewisville to purchase these future goat houses. When I arrived, I found them to be perfect. It was a little confusing for the man to realize that he had built what he thought were dog houses, but yet I would be making them into goat houses. He was very nice about it all, and even loaded them up on the trailer for me. They are well built and exactly what I wanted and need. So back home I go with them, jiggity jig.

I was so pleased with my purchases 🐐
And I got a great deal 💰

Once home, they were loaded off the trailer and ready for a fresh coat of paint. Who better to help with this job? Brooks. He was all in. He got his painting clothes on and we painted both of those goat houses until we were all done. He did an amazing job esp for a 3 year old. 

We got the job done 💪

 

They turned out so nice.
Ready for the Goat and Pig Pen area now ✓

The great thing about life is when you can move heavy things around with a dolly and this was exactly the case with these houses. I got the dolly and moved them one by one over to their resting spots for the goats. 

I have the goat and pig hostel strategically
placed under an 'carport' of sorts beside
the barn to keep everyone as safe and dry
as possible. 
Notice: Wilbur's little pig igloo with fencing 
around it so that he can eat freely and also have 
his own place in case he and Maggie have a spat.

I've noticed sometimes that Coco and Pearl
sleep in the same goat house and other times,
they claim their own place for the night.

Cutie Pie Pearl is claiming her sleeping spot
all while Coco is checking me out just in 
case I brought in a late night snack.

Creating these types of spaces for my loves make my heart sing. They deserve a great life, and I hope to give them just that. My next adventure with these 3 piggies and 2 goats? Nail trims. It's not an easy task and I admit, I'm not up to doing it. But don't worry, I'll find someone who is. I'll probably have Wilbur's nails trimmed when he gets neutered. I'm so proud of Wilbur. He's such a friendly little guy, kind to all those around him, and loves pets. Hopefully we won't have any new little piglets because of him. But if so, I know he'd make a great dad. And I could even put Maggie in her pig dress and we could have a pig wedding if need be. Not sure what rabbit hole I've fallen down, but wow, I love farm shenanigans. My 10 year old self enjoys every minute of this farm circus.  

I wasn't sure if the pigs and goats could actually cohabitate, 
but sure enough, it's magical. And it sure makes my life easier.

Time for....

Dear Cyndi,

Oh sweet pea, how many corners can you turn? You are not likely to stop turning corners because it's such a wonderful feeling as it reflects your healing. After your most recent internal reflection of (trying to anyway) determine your role in it all and taking accountability for the roles you played in the last 32 years of your marriage, you've experienced many feelings that have come to the surface - and you felt them all. Just the ability to be accountable for your own behaviors and notice what your reactivity was, has been vital. You no longer are scolded for your reactions to poor behaviors. That's all in the past now. You have learned what was really happening behind the doors in which you lived. There's acceptance you are working on as to why you stayed. The regrets. And there's also acceptance of the good and fun times inside it all. And why you stayed. Regret has been your biggest demon and you've put him to rest now. Regret is like worry, merely a waste of time. 

As you keep moving forward, you find joy in each day. You feel safe, content and happy. And your biggest achievement yet is the recognition of what self love is. Why you have not practiced self love has many answers. But your main reason was that you were previously living in a state of hyper-vigilance, and since you've taken your amour off now, you can see yourself for who you are. And learn that loving you is something you've not done. You've learned you are a human who did not have every tool needed in each moment. You were not taught how to love yourself or the importance of it, nor had decent coping skills to communicate when you were feeling hurt, angry, disappointed or betrayed. Instead, you tried hard to express your feelings of hurt to the best of your abilities yet to no avail or resolve.

The one thing you do know now is that the years you have left are years that will be filled with compassion for yourself, grace for yourself and forgiveness for yourself. The bar has been raised. This new season of your life will now include less accessibility of those with poor intentions. You now see it so quickly and swiftly move away from it. Your not being selfish. You're practicing self love. 

Peace always,

Cyndi

Awe, the joy of reflection. The clarity that comes as we sit with ourselves in the quiet of the night and know we are okay. It's truly a gift from God. And I thank Him for all the gifts He's bestowed upon me. He knew all along what I needed, and waited and watched, guiding me towards myself. To which I am forever grateful.

Speaking of gifts

There's a very kind and generous (yes, he's also frugal) friend of mine, Dr Brown who recently purchased/gifted me an AI bird feeder. I'm sure you have seen these all over the internet. My friend Becky, from work has one and Dr Brown installed one for his mom recently. Seems they are quite the cat's meow these days.

So I installed my newly gifted AI Bird Feeder and begin watching on the app. The app can identify the type/breed of bird that is at your feeder, and you can watch birds up close and personal, often eating the bird seed super close-up at your feeder. It's a really great concept and a must-have for every birder as well as for those who love bird watching casually. 

Turns out what I saw the most were
my own chickens in the background.

I hung it here first, but decided it wasn't 
optimal here because I
felt silly watching my own chickens
so I moved it out back......

Since I already have 3 bird feeders on the
back porch, I went ahead and moved it where
the birds were already going.

My AI bird feeder caught a 
CooCoo Bird nearby 

I'll keep you posted on how this goes as
I just moved it today.

I'm super excited about the thought of putting my hummingbird feeder just in front of this AI feeder. Awwww, the birds I'll see. Right outside my window(s) and up close and personal in the Smart Bird app. Who knew I needed this. Oh yeah, Dr Brown did. I want to thank him as well as Lauren for helping me get this up and going. Because apparently, Dr Brown texted me detailed instructions to get this up and going and the "hint" that Lauren would need to help me still makes me giggle out loud......

Per Dr Brown's instructions:
"Your daughter might enjoy doing this step"
Code for: you better let her handle this, Cyndi
😉

I did get the AI bird feeder hung up, but really the instructions were detailed per Dr Brown and Lauren did actually do those things as Dr Brown had suggested that only she do. So thanks y'all!

Ollie 

Olive is doing amazing, and she's just over 7 months old now. It seems Olive has a liking for the Littles. Grabbing and pinching them that is, if she can get her hands on them. They stay just out of reach. She'll be up and mobile before we know it though. Get ready, Brooks. Better start hiding all your toys because she grabs and pinches anything she can get her hands on. 

Stay grabby and pinchy y'all,

Cyndi

Winter is fun, they said

 

When I asked Alexa to play Cool Change, I actually did not mean bring freezing cold weather. Nonetheless, we have all had our fair share of cold, freezing temps, and ramifications of what damage a freeze can bring to our homes.

Firstly, signs on The Graves Fram that it’s much too cold…..

Sugar sits on a chicken warming pad
while we are in the barn

The ducks walk on the frozen pond

Dog food in the Frigidaire in the Tack Room
is now using the Warm setting, not Cold. 
All meals to LGD dogs are served warm,
as they are working hard in these cold temps

Paul has dinner on his perch as
he really wants to stay by his heat pad.
Yes, his perch is a saw horse from Home Depot

PJ's and Jackets on The Littles

Char spending quality time snuggled up in her chair

And so it's cold. Actually freezing. The heat lamps and heated water buckets are all placed around in the barn. Water is being carried from the house to the barn to the heated water buckets because all the water lines outside are frozen. But hey, we have water in the house. And after a number of days, we finally got hot water back. Thanks to Angela and Paul for letting us use their washer to wash some clothes - and for allowing us to shower/bathe using their hot water. No one likes a cold shower, and that was the only option at our house. And the water line to our washer was frozen so our dirty selves could just wear our dirty clothes I suppose. But no need, as thanks again to Angela and Paul for helping us out! Love you both. 

Where are we at now

Let's see. The water line behind the washer leaked water into the wall. I'm getting an estimate on that Tuesday. The septic system is still limping along, and I had one site evaluation today so that we can move forward with estimates for a new septic system. Those are my main freeze disasters. So no washing clothes - and minimal water use is the mantra these days. The less fluid we send to the septic tank, the less work it has to do. We are trying to extend it's life until I can get a new system installed. And this process takes time. But we'll get there! Brooks loves the idea of less bathes. 

Crazy thing is.....

Then there was a slight break in the weather. An actual day with sun and temps that felt 'okay'. The farm animals took advantage of this time by sunning themselves, getting outside and enjoying the break from the freezing temps for a day. 

Both Maggie and Baby enjoy the sun - for a day

How can I love a pig this much 💟
Mag Pie, You da best piggie ever

All warmth is appreciated 🌞

So as the animals were out and about for a short time, I tried to clean up the barn a bit. But really, the chickens are going to camp out in there again while this next freeze - and wet weather - descends on us again. Maybe this coming weekend I'll fluff it real good after these next few days of messy weather. The chickens never complain anyway. They really just want warmth and to stay out of a draft/breeze. That along with food, water and treats and they are set. Amazingly, they are still producing a good number of eggs. And I have been able to place them in my egg fridge and sell some again. 

I'm often asked how the animals are doing when the weather gets if-y. I'm happy to report everyone is doing as well as can be expected. I have lost 2 chickens in the past couple of weeks to the cold/freezing weather. It's hard to say why, but it's safe to say that some of my chickens aren't up to the lasting low temps. They just can't handle it either due to age or hardiness. And you know what I do with my deceased chickens, right? I provide a meal to the coyotes, who also need to eat. There's a special drop-off place I always take my deceased loved ones where I know the coyotes will look for a pickup meal each night. My loss is their gain. The life cycle is real. 

Sometimes I'm asked why the coyotes? Why not the pigs? If you've listened to Dateline, you may have been informed that a pig will eat a human body whole. Bones and all. A human body, just gone. Vanished inside a pig. 

I'm afraid if I feed my pigs my deceased chickens, then the live chickens who happen to mosey into their pig pen could be up for grabs. This is no bueno. Therefore, the moral of the story is: no deceased farm animal is fed to another animal that lives on the farm. I'm afraid if I ever did (which I won't), that situation has a high likelihood of developing a bad habit - not to mention developing a taste for friends. Something is off about that scenario. Way off.

What's it like....

Another question I get quite often, whether it's bad weather or good weather or any weather is: What's it like having 2 young children living in your home?

6 month old Olive is scooching 
backwards and can often be found 
under the couch.
She gives 'back it up'  all new meaning.

And our little mad scientist is always entertaining (and he’s got a cold that you can hear in this clip). He's curious, smart, and asks "why" 1001 times a day - and loves hard. I just love these 2  in a way that words could never express. Infinity. That's it, to infinity and beyond. 

And in other news

Since I'm new here in the divorce arena, I've learned a few things, well many things actually but one in particular is that people tell their divorce stories like new moms tell their birth stories. 

The major difference is that I've noticed divorcees tell their story and then want to put their divorce story on your divorce story. Kind of like a drag and drop. An overlay. People just want to be seen and validated and likely have not had either of these things happen. So there's a striving to connect in a way that what happened to them must have also been your same experience. Validate me please.

There's truth to that. All of us who have been through a divorce have been hurt. And we want to speak our pain, express our hurt, and find validation in it all. I've noticed that those around me who speak their divorce story just want to be heard. Each of our stories contain hard and difficult times, and even shame. Each of our stories are complicated, and contain content that we play like a record in our head. I'm learning to discern what in my story to speak - and what to keep in my pocket as my own. This is ever-changing esp when it comes to who I'm speaking with and what my safety level is with that person. The nitty gritty of a divorce is so private yet so public because it's likely happening to many other people. Why keep quiet about it then. Ahhh, so complicated.

I, myself have reached a new level in my own healing and I can feel it - and it feels a bit like leveling up. Like in Fortnite when you compete in Battle Royale matches and complete challenges. I've seen many a t-shirt on youngsters that say Level Up. And that's just what I've done myself. Maybe I need one of those t-shirts.

Dear Cyndi

You did it. You can feel it in your soul. You've reached a new place in your healing that has brought you to a calmer place. Almost like a wave of peace has come over your soul. All those feeling of feelings and days of ups and downs, of never knowing what a day will bring. Happiness or sadness? It was always a surprise. 

The days of ruminating are few now. You've learned to remind myself to think of the future and what good things are to come, rather than let your yesterdays serve you. 

You've learned the most valuable lesson yet and it's to ask yourself : What was your role? And you've placed a good many hours marinating on this important question. Accountability is key, and knowing you're not responsible for others being accountable, whether they ever choose to be or not. It matters not. What was your role, Cyndi? Where can you improve, and accept the things you've done and forgive yourself.  

In this new level of healing, you’re focusing on not allowing your mind to think about 'what if's' and instead ask yourself, What was your role in it all? That's where your healing expands. In those moments. 

You've learned during those moments that there's responsibility for both persons involved in every rupture. And taking an inventory of yourself, and what to do in the future, and what not to do in your future, is key. 

A big a-ha moment for you was learning the concept that there are people who have to see you as the problem, because if you are the problem, they aren't. Oooof. 

You now understand that when you are placed as the villain in this divorce story, you are not succumbing again to gaslighting, but instead understanding that that's how you'll always be seen. And you'll stay true you. You have grown to look past this, and that in itself is one of your biggest accomplishments. That, along with asking yourself......."what was your role". That one question is everything. Worry about yourself. Stay in your lane. Paddle your own canoe. That's where your healing begins and ends. Stay there, as it feels safe and warm. Hard, but safe and warm.

Stay salty because you can, 

Cyndi

And so it goes

As I move through my life, I have not become comfortable discussing my divorce story with others just yet. I do at times talk about it, but then I have a bitter taste in my mind and mouth after I have done so. This tells me I'm not ready yet for extended conversation about it. I say stupid things, feel uncomfortable, and I'm just not there yet to talk appropriately about it all. Probably because I'm still sorting it out myself. #skeeredtotalkaboutit

I've got bigger fish to fry right now. I need to get a septic system so we can all shower and wash clothes again. I need to get back in my cancer treatment routine now that the appeal for it has been approved. I'll continue enjoying the grand kiddos knowing it's a privilege to see them day in and day out. And continue nurturing my relationship and repairs with Lauren. There's so much awesome in life to enjoy, and anything otherwise is merely futile.

Liking the idea of staying salty,

Cyndi

 

 

Stronger than the storm

THE IRONY IS THAT WE

attempt to

DISOWN our DIFFICULT STORIES

to appear more whole or more

ACCEPTABLE, 

BUT OUR WHOLENESS

- even our wholeheartedness -

ACTUALLY DEPENDS ON THE 

integration of 

ALL OUR EXPERIENCES,

including the falls.

- Brene Brown

I love Brene Brown, her work and her words. This is from her book, Rising Strong and I love how she utilizes the word 'falls'. Love love it. I'm an expert fall-er. It's my learn language. I fell, now what did I learn from that.  

The letters to me continue....

Dear Cyndi,

Look how far you've come! These past couple of weeks have been a time of realization and the learning of many lessons - along with forward progression. 

Look at you grow! You're learning to trust yourself and your knowing. You've learned that ruminating on history is futile and impedes your own healing. You've learned to feel all the feelings and then allow them to move on. Yet your biggest breakthrough has arrived: You now understand that you will stand up for yourself when poor behavior is encountered and that there is no other option than that. In particular, poor verbal behavior is never to be tolerated and knowing this, that you will forgive yourself for the allowance of gaslighting and blame. And on the days this pain is loud, just remember you are more than what has hurt you. And it's okay that it took so long to learn this, my love.

Please remember, you are still learning to nurture the version of you that you desire to keep. You learned that while trying to save your prior relationship you lost you. And in the future, you will chose to save yourself and lose the relationship. You finally started loving me after we. You understand that releasing people without hate is how to let go. Hate only pulls you back. 

As you embrace these lessons learned, you realize that it's not about erasing the past: it's about making space for a brighter tomorrow.

Keep growing Sweet Pea 🥰

Didn’t See That Coming 

It was a Wednesday morning like all others, warm and cozy in bed with The Littles, as all three pups sleep with me. When my alarm went off and as I turned over to tap it off, I was unaware in the dark, of how close Sugar was to my face. Sugar typically sleeps at the foot of the bed, yet on this particular morning, she was lurking close by, probably wanting to go outside and potty and just waiting for me to awaken. 

Where was I? Oh yeah, the alarm was going off and it always excites her because she knows it’s time to get up and going. But first and foremost, we always have a petting session of belly rubs and kisses, as this is the time of day we all bond and have time and attention with no distractions. 

In the darkness, and as I tap the alarm off, Sugar reaches up with her paw and scraps her nail right down my open eye. My eye was open, in the darkness, and I did not see her paw coming at me. This has never happened before and I'm not sure why. 

I did not have the reflexes to shut my eye as I did not see her paw coming towards it. And before I realized it, her mail had scratched my left eye ball. Inside my eye. My reaction was instant. My hand swung up and over my eye as I just knew it might be bleeding, but it wasn't. There was just pain.

I knew something bad had just happened. Really bad. I got out of bed, and realized I could not see out of my eye. I managed to take the dogs outside to potty with my right eye trying to compensate. And I even tried to get ready for work, and do all my morning barn chores, and actually somehow did so.

Driving to work was tortuous. My right eye was trying to see, while my left eye was unsuccessful and causing more pain as it tried and tried to focus. I made it to work.

People were appalled to see my eye, swollen, almost closed on it's own. I would be sent away within a few hours to go see an eye dr. The work folks could see things that I could not, and encouraged me to head out and seek help.

My eye dr was able to see me right away, and he said I had a doozy of a corneal abrasion. Large and long in my eye, and besides not being able to see out of it (everything was a blur from my left eye) it was extremely painful.

So what do they do these days for this type of injury? A contact bandage. Yes, an actual contact placed over the abrasion to allow the eye to blink and not 'rub' over the abrasion so that it can heal. No eye patch, as that's what they "used to do". Now, in my case, they would also keep my eye dilated for 3 days to allow the inflammation to subside and not cause further damage to the eye - specifically behind the eye. I would see the eye dr the next day or two to have him take the contact bandage out and evaluate the healing. Then place the contact bandage back in if needed. 

The eye doctor took such wonderful care of my eye. It took days to heal, but it eventually did. He had told me my eye sight would be the last to return. He’s certainly right, my eye sight is still slowly getting better. 

My Sugs

Lesson learned. Watch for flying paws when turning off my alarm in the dark. It truly was a crazy and odd accident. It may never happen again. And in my case, I'm always mindful when it comes to turning my alarm off in the dark now. And even though Sugar usually sleeps at my feet, I keep an eye out for who’s in my close proximity. I now keep my eyes closed until I'm ready to see what's happening around me. Trying to try over here people. 

1 out of 2 get cancer, so the safest place is right here next to me

Ah yeah, the fun of cancer. Everything is good.....until it's not. This blogpost is really sucking in the Happy Dept. But I'm going to give you the scoopy poop anyway. 

So a few days before my eye injury, I got a call. Texas Oncology was calling to tell me my appt was being cancelled and that my cancer treatment has been denied by my insurance. Something about the insurance took it off their formulary. 

Of course they did, I'm thinking. It's expensive. It's a new year, and they can do that. Matter of fact, that's exactly what they do. 

I hang up the phone and think about it all. I was doing so well on this treatment. My oncologist was thrilled at my continued positive reaction to this particular cancer treatment which is intended only for patients with my rare blood cancer, polycythemia vera. I finally have a good option for treatment, and then the insurance company just takes it away. Not indicated, they say.

It would be indicated if it were any of their loved ones who had this cancer. It would be indicated if it were their wife, sister, or mom. But it's not, and they really don't care as we are all just numbers. Esp financially, dollar sign numbers. I'm too expensive.

I mull this over for a few days. Wow, things had been going so well. Well, with the exception of the treatment causing me to lose my fingernails (I'm learning how to pick things up without a fingernail despite still having some of my nails that I'm yet to lose), damage/loss of my hair and a few other choice reactions but it's cancer treatment and that means it's typically toxic to your body in one way or another. Yeah, my blood lab numbers/results are not great, but I have a blood cancer. And my blood is not going to behave in a normal fashion. It's just not and it can't help it. After all, my blood flunked so many tests, if it were a student, it'd be held back a year.

Yet, this treatment was helping in ways that are beneficial - and considering the treatment options are few, it's the best option for me according to MD Anderson and Texas Oncology. They are the experts. 

I begin to think about what will happen next. Let's see, PV patient's with no treatment have a prognosis of 1-3 years. With treatment, 8-20 years (depending on progression) with studies showing PV patients rarely live past 77 at best. The progression of this cancer is different for each patient. And I don't know what my progression will be exactly, and only time will disclose that. I also know in the grand scheme of things that I have no control over cancer treatment options whatsoever (unless I had lots of money to throw at it) because insurance companies ultimately decide. 

Then, I get another call from Texas Oncology telling me they are going to try and appeal the decision with my insurance company and if it’s declined, they will then try and look for 'assistance' for me. The Rep from Texas Onc says they have a special department that takes care of these situations, as insurance companies love to take away cancer treatment due to cost. It's part of their gig. They did not say those exact words but she did not need to. I've seen it and I've heard about it and I've experienced it. ✅✅✅ So Texas Oncology will attempt to go to bat for me. And I think in my head that if they do and are unsuccessful, I'll go to see my oncologist at MD Anderson and maybe they might have some assistance for me due to them just being MDA with so many resources. They are the powerhouse of cancer. They are always there for me. 

I give up all control over this situation and decide to let happen what will happen. I'll keep going down the path that these wonderful cancer facilities have. I won't push my will as it's not Cyndi's will be done. They know what to do, how to do it and how to give the information that can prove the worth of a cancer treatment for a patient. I keep moving forward and know that no matter what comes of it all, I have more avenues to try, and that in itself always brings about hope that feeds the soul. 

Then, the eye incident happens (I still love you, Sugar) and I'm sidetracked with dealing with it. And just as I'm coming out of the eye thing, I receive another call. It's Optum Rx calling to tell me that my appeal has been approved! For 1 year, mind you. But still, it's approved for 2024. Yes, I'll take it please and thank you. God is Good. Always. Bless those people working in the special department at cancer facilities (Thank you, Texas Oncology!) that fight for patients such as myself. They fight for our treatment, for our rights, and against our largest frenemy......insurance companies.  

I-can't-feel-my-face degrees

Then, the freeze hits. We all saw this coming. This past week, I've spent some time setting up the heated water buckets, placing lots and lots of straw in all the animals shelters, beds and houses. 

Maggie wasn't really helping, although
she probably thinks so. Over here just trying
to get straw out for them early.

Many preparations are happening here on the farm for this upcoming freeze. I've covered all outside faucets and exposed pipes in the barn. I even did something a little different this year, I placed several heat lamps around the barn to help cut the cold - even if just by a tiny bit. 

Just a touch of heat.
Not a lot, just a touch.

Lucky ones who get the closest seat

All the girlz inside with the north wind and
freezing temps 🥶

A couple of heat lamps around,
and a special small heater for
Paul that puts off a tiny bit of heat just
to take the edge off 🦃

I've loaded up the Tack Room with hay, chicken feed and chicken scratch, dog food, treats for everyone and know that the best way to keep the animals comfortable is by keeping their belly's full. They burn so much just trying to keep warm, so they will be well fed during this time to ensure they are safe and doing as well as they can. 

The straw eases the cold of the concrete 

They are all doing surprisingly well 🙂

Then, Sunday afternoon comes and I see this......

This is water of some sort coming from the septic 
system, running down the back pasture all 
while freezing along the way 🙄

And there's been no precipitation. It's coming from the septic system. Did I mention it's Sunday and Monday is a holiday? I call the septic company but no response. That's what I expected, as I imagine that all folks have their septic sprinklers frozen and tanks backing up. So what is there to really do? I don't know. So I'll wait and see what happens. Another theme in my life I've come to embrace. 

When the thaw out does begin, that’s when I'll know for sure what's what. And call for help again. Until then, I wait.

The good news? I have a friend that brought over a generator full of gas. I also have 2 five gallon gas cans full and ready. So if (or when) the electricity goes out, I can power what is needed the most. Not sure what that is right now. But I'm sure I'll figure that out real quick.

Having a 3 year old and 6 month old living here, the priorities are a bit different. Bottles need to be washed. Heat is important. I'm hoping we won't need to use any other measures except our own electricity (that it stays on) and that the septic system can and will function until help is available. 

What there's not right now

No selling of eggs due to the outside fridge being freezing inside. It's currently 17 degrees inside the egg fridge. I'm picking up all eggs the chickens lay and bringing them in the house until the freeze eases up. Did you know that eggs can freeze and be thawed out - and are still okay to eat? Normally people do not freeze eggs. But they are okay to eat if frozen and thawed.

No running water outside the house. Everything is frozen water-wise. All water going into the heated water buckets in the barn is hand carried in buckets from the house to the barn.

No long runs outside. It's just that cold. Lauren and I did go on a short run and all I can say is wow. 

The outside fridges have become outside freezers. Nothing in them right now.

And as a side note, what there's not right now is underwear. Brooks has no underwear on under his pants. He's 3 years old and boycotting underwear. Even in this freezing weather. He's very passionate about this. Mama and Papa have to pick their battles. This may not be one of them? I’m merely a bystander.

So how are the kiddos? 

Brooks and I take Night Night walks in the dark
towards bedtime. He usually rides with either 
Sugar or Char in his lap. It’s been cold lately! 

We even walk up to the RR tracks and investigate.
Yes, Penny and Dutch tag along to watch 
over us on the Night Night walks.
Everything looks different in the dark.

Olive is growing by leaps. Lots of leaps. 
Eating real food. Making sounds.
6 months old now 🥰

I can imagine you may have your underwear on, even your long underwear on right now. Or maybe not. Either way, I hope you are staying warm and cozy. We will see this through. We always do.

Thanks for listening to my not-so-happy news, and know that all the hard things eventually turned into good news. After all, I can see 👁️ and I’ll get cancer treatment this year. And I'm hoping to report that all the farm animals make it through this freeze happy and healthy. And that you do, too.

Mucho love for all the goodness in our lives,

Cyndi

What a smart chicken looks like

What a cold chicken looks like 

What a not-cold chicken looks like.
She’s more cold-hardy than most.