Making it all make sense

It may or may not ever make sense. Apparently all I need to do is blog my big feelings every now and then. Sometimes, it feels hard for me to overly complain. I feel like I've gotten out of the habit of big complaints. Oddly, it's hard to allow myself the worth that things should be better when they are so wrong. Why? Because millions of people in the world have terrible and bad things happening to them. And I think of all the badness in the world and it brings me back to a place of not wanting to complain. I find myself reflecting on Anne Frank's words from her diary that speak of her view on complaining: "Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and offer thanks for all the troubles we don't have". 

I've long held Anne Frank's sense of not complaining near and dear to my heart and mind. I still complain, but I usually realize when I'm doing it. My whole last blog post was a gigantic complaint. Somehow, I felt justified in it, because I usually don't complain that big. Oh, but I let it all out. And then, the universe shifted, God laid His hands down on us, and boom-pow, David was able to have his appts, PET and MRI scans at MD Anderson. And......drum roll.....his oncologist gave him a big fat A+ again. We are elated, grateful and amazed that he was able to get through the insurance issues we've had. Turns out this new health insurance did make him pay a couple more thousand to get this completed, but we knew this had to be done and paid the price despite what all the employees (at my work) had been told would happen (i.e. no addt increase in amounts to existing deductibles). Whoops, almost started the complaints again. Nonetheless, we are thrilled that attempt #3 was successful and David was able to get the care that's needed and due. Hip hip hooray for his fabulous results and I'm so happy that he's moved through this particular cycle, although late due to circumstances beyond our control, of his cancer surveillance. It's not until 3 years post-chemo/radiation that he'll be able to be deemed closer to being truly cancer free. We are not quite there yet, but each visit is a step closer. Due to the nature of SNUC, David is to be monitored closely because if SNUC sneaks back in.......no bueno. 

And while we are on the good news train, I was informed a few days ago that the new health insurance did begin paying at Texas Oncology. It's been since Oct 1 and is now Nov 20, that I can finally start unwinding. The medical bills in the world of cancer can be quite large, and I've been very concerned about this since Oct 1. And as Anne Frank once said, "What is done cannot be undone, but one can prevent it happening again." And that, Anne Frank, will be my motto. All that has been done cannot be undone. And I will make changes to prevent this (best as I can) from happening again. When I think of all that Anne Frank went through, along with all the Holocaust victims and survivors, I push towards her words of staying true to "ideals, dreams, and cherished hopes" as Anne would say. My own middle name is Anne, and I've always loved reading and rereading Anne's words of hope and equality as they stand the test of time. 

So, Anne, I'll move forward knowing that's exactly what you did in your own life. Resisting the urge to  complain, look for the good, always search for happiness, and as she says, "I can shake off everything as I write, my sorrows disappear and my courage is reborn." Such a wise soul at such a young age. 

And yes, I'll likely complain again in the future. I'm not at an Anne Frank caliber. But a girl can try.

Complain-Free Post

In honor of Anne, she would expect no complaints. So we'll stay on the good news train today. 

Let us start in the chicken world. Thus far, we have had approx 12 silkie/frizzle chicks born. We had many more eggs, but many were not viable. We lost a couple to unknown causes, then we gave a couple of chicks away to friends, and then we will sell a couple of them as well. The rest, we will keep. 

2 of the silkie chicks are squeezed in tight
at night to keep warm,
and living outside with their mamas.

While inside the house, under the red heat
lamp are two yellow with black strips,
one tiny (youngest) grey one,
and one bigger grey frizzle with
crazy feathers sticking out.

The other silke/frizzle chicks remaining are inside with us, under a heat lamp. They are so small and fragile that we want to try and ensure their safety. Sometimes David and I realize we are dangerous when we interrupt nature. Yet bringing some of the chicks inside is something we have done before with success. Don't get me wrong, silkie mamas are great mothers. But we gotta keep these sweeties inside for now, until they grow their feathers as these seem extra fragile to us. This cold is not a friend to very tiny, days old chicks.

In breaking news, we have moved Rusty, The Silkie Rooster, to a holding place to live for a few months until we are ready to breed again. Likely as the weather starts moving into Spring. 

His coop for now....

Living the bachelor life with mirrors, which as typical,
he loves to admire himself as bachelors do.

This gives the  silkie/frizzle girlz a break from sitting on eggs. For now, they are busy raising 2 of the silkie chicks with them. One of which is Rusty's color of reddish feathers and the other is light grey like Chompchi. 

Maggie's new neighbor, Rusty

So where are all the to-be-big-girl chicks? 

Chick Pile with 2 heat lamps in the barn

They are now living in the barn, with their own heat lamps, eating chick food like they have an open endless gateway in their little belly's for food. 

Living in the Guest House until they are big enough to come out

Currently, the demand for eggs outweighs the egg production I currently have. Even with my janky egg fridge setup at the front of the property. The $2.50/dozen can't be beat anywhere. David tells me on a regular basis about the supply and demand concept. Yeah, I know. But I just don't want to up my price. I'm trying to do a community service thing here. I want my neighbors to have fresh eggs at a great price. Free even. I think people need this in their lives. I'm here for it.

In the mean time though, these chicks will grow into layers, and I'm even thinking of getting more. Esp as winter is upon us, and my chickens lay less eggs during this time. It's a good time to raise some girlz for laying in the Spring. Right now, I even have a quite a few chickens molting. The barn looks like a pillow feather factory. There's feathers everywhere, as if it snowed feathers in there. Molting happens typically when the days get shorter. During molt, chickens stop laying eggs and use this time to build up their nutrient reserves. They rest much of the time, sitting and roosting even during the day. It's their time to recharge and they need time to themselves. A lot like I feel every Friday night. 

So while I mull over the economics of it all, I do continue to struggle to keep enough eggs in the egg fridge and fill egg orders at work. I just need more (hens) chickens, that's all. Some ask me why I don't just have roosters and have my own chicks? After all, we do that with the silkies and frizzles here and there. But the short answer is it's alot of work. I'll pay a couple of bucks for pullet (female) chicks instead. But that's a good question. 

Corey, at my work, sewed this OR hat for me 💛

My loves sleeping

Night Night

High on Quack

While I'm talking fowl, let's talk ducks. We've had our fair share of duck shenanigans up at the pond in our life. Fortunately, we have 3 ducks who have stood the test of time. 

These three are living the high life at the pond.

All boys. These 3, who I still call Huey, Louie and Dewy are hanging in strong against the hawks and anything else that tries to come their way. The livestock guard dogs watch them as closely as possible (and not in a dinner kind of way). The ducks are friendly, sometimes too friendly for some.....

Hold your horses

My two mini mares, Hope and Dora are doing amazing! I'm so proud of how far they have come. They are completely different mini's from when I acquired each of them. Hope, a black Shetland Pony technically, is younger, bigger and stronger than Dora. Yet, she watches Dora and learns from her. Hope watches the ease Dora has with humans. Hope watches and learns how to be trusting, which goes against all she's learned before she came to us. Thankfully, Dora was seemingly not abused (unlike Hope, which breaks my heart) and was used as a breeding mini horse. It was after her last foal that she came to us, as the breeder had no use for her any longer. At that time, Dora was a biter, and mad at the world. As was her baby boy, Diego who came with her. (Diego was re-homed for severe biting reasons quite awhile back). 

Dora, my Sweet Pea, having some precious
time up at the pond.

Now, Dora is a pocket mini. She can’t get close enough to you. She no longer bites and instead asks for pets. She wants to be in your business and knows nothing about personal space. As an older mare, and blind in one eye, she can be pushy about what it is she wants. I am right there with you, Dora. Same same. We are seniors who know what we want. 

Hope. Awwwhhh, Hope. Who knew you'd come around like you have. Such a horrible hard life for such a young mother. You're the example of "it's not fair what happened to you" meets "still gives life a chance". You show us what it looks like to show up each day and do the best you can with how you're feeling. I love that about you. 

Such a beauty

Typically, Dora and Hope stay on the side pasture on a dry lot. Mini's cannot have too much to eat, so I have to restrict their intake. Every now and again though, I treat them to time in the front or back pasture. They love love love it up by the pond and enjoy all the new taste and smells they don't often get. 

LGD Life

Even though that sounds similar to an acronym for human equality, it's the farm version that deserves respect just as the LGBTQ most certainly does. Everyone deserves respect no doubt, and why humans have to fight for it is beyond me. People are people and love is love. I esp love the love is love thing because we all have a right to love who we desire to love. 

And on a lighter note, I see the animals I love and care for, in turn, love and care for the others. For example, we love and adore (and greatly respect) all 4 of our LGD (livestock guard dogs). Let's start with the pups, who are now just over a year old. 

Penny, now just over a year old coming in at
about 120 lbs.

120 lb Penny is turning into the lead LGD slowly, as Levi ages. Penny is adventurous, and knows not her size. She's tall, lanky and loves to play. She loves everyone and everything. She's obedient to the fence parameter, and is not a wanderer. She has a strong drive to guard and keeps predators from trespassing on our property. She respects her underground fence collar and does not cross the line. She's first to meals, and happy to finish off anyone's bowl of food that is not finished. She loves treats, and is wonderful at asking for multiple treats, as if she never got one in the first place. Silly girl. She knows she'll get more. How can I tell her no. 

Laid back Dutch, until it's the dark of night.....

110 lb Dutch is Penny's brother who is a little shorter and more stocky. He has some hip issues at times, but they seem to be resolving as he ages. He's a wanderer at heart, and is well accepted by the neighboring pasture owners, as he's not afraid of going after predators outside the boundaries of our own farm. His underground fence collar cannot keep him contained. The instinct is too strong and he will go after that bobcat or coyote - and he does - under the fence. Both neighboring side pasture owners have expressed interest that he guard their property too, and he does. He's everywhere, yet never wanders away too far. Just close enough to keep predators at bay. Brave Dutch. He's in a class of his own. 

The bestest of the bestest

My old boy, Levi. His age is showing and we are kindred spirits in that arena. Sometimes age can't help but show, and he carries it well. He's allowing Penny and Dutch to step in, and has embraced them with open paws. I've never had such a loyal guard dog as he. He's the best, will always be the best, and who we will compare every other livestock guard dog to for the rest of our lives. He's the example of what a LGD is. He's shown Penny and Dutch what to do - and what not to do. Simply amazing.

Whisper resting before night fall

It's hardly fair that Whisper has been called the crazy sister all her life. We were told that Whisper and Levi are brother/sister, and maybe it's true. But we will never know, as they were here on the property when we moved here. They were here first. Whisper is stand-off-ish, shy, quiet, slinks around, and enjoys time in the laundry room when it storms outside. And then, she's the first to tear up whatever predator tries to cross the fence line. She, too, will go under the fence to chase down whatever needs to be chased down. Don't mess with this one. She's a little whackadoodle at times. And I love her for it. She really loves Levi like no one else does. Levi is her life mate and best friend. Whisper's got a bum leg that we had a TPLO surgery on for her, and she's recovered nicely. But still, she has a plate and screws in a leg that bothers her here and there. You'd never know though. She's strong and powerful, quiet and relentless. She's her own self, and that's my favorite thing about her. Go you, Whisper. 

Who knew I'd have 4 Great Pyrenees? They are beautiful, majestic and guard the property as if they are willing to give their life up for their 'herd and flock'. All 4 of these dogs see each farm animal as if it's their very own to protect. And boy howdy, do they do that EVERY night without fail. We owe it all to them. The one thing in return that I can do is make them feel safe and happy, feed them well, and I mean well. And pets, and love, and human touch. I need them to know how much I love and appreciate them. I pet them gently, stroking their eyes and wiping the sleepies out of the corners. Belly scratches when they ask for it. These 4 have formed a bond that I never could have imagined. How grateful I am for them each and every day. But man, I go through a lot of dog food. 

The question remains....

Does Maybe like her winter vest?

I'm going to go......'she doesn't have a choice
in the matter'. It's cold outside for an older girl.

Are the sheep pregnant?

I'm going to go with.....probably 🤞

What does Paul look like when his feathers are down?

You've seen this many times - fancy Paul

But he rarely shows his non-fancy side
because he loves to be so fancy

Does he still stand at the front door and look in? 

I'm going to go with.....yes, often.
I was decorating the Christmas tree and placing
the bins outside the front door. He watched my
every move and just wants to be a part of it all. 

Is Maggie on a weight loss diet?

I'm going to go with.....we are trying. 
It's hard being a pig on a diet.

How's Buddy?

I'm going to go with.....he's just fine.

Buddy's best friend, Brooks came over to play
this weekend. He watched every move he made.

And after each slide, Buddy needed to make
sure his best friend was okay. Without fail.

So many good things happening out here. I try to remember this one thing that Anne Frank also said, "Whoever is happy, will make others happy to". I see it everyday on the farm. The happiness of the farm animals. It just makes me so happy. Their happy makes me happy. 

There's nothing better than a pig kiss, trust me on this,

Cyndi

 

 

The ongoingness of it all

Ongoingness

I have fallen in love with the word of Ongoingness.  I first heard it on the Everything Happens (Kate Bowler) podcast recently and have been not able to unapply it since. 

Kate was interviewing Dr. Stanley Hauerwas (author of many books on religion in the 20th century) and they were discussing why God doesn't fix our pain, among other hard and difficult topics. Kate is a cancer trooper herself, and for some reason, I love how she's able to embrace the bad in all of it. She embodies the bad of cancer more than she does the good of cancer. I find this fascinating therefore I love listening to her podcast and the guest she chooses. She reminds me of viewpoints I don't always see. 

As she and Dr Hauerwas carried on their conversation, he begin to review why God is not an explanation, and to resist the demand and/or need for explanation. *But wait, I thought - I like explanations. Nope, Dr Hauerwas reminded me instead that "it's there, it can't be explained". Those words stung. Because I'm struggling right now with a situation without an explanation.  

More info please

Lately, my feelings toward David and I's cancer journey have been focused on how an health insurance company's actions can cause such pain and suffering with their disregard towards cancer patients who's needing health care services. Since Oct 1, when the company I work for changed benefit managing companies, nothing has been okay in regards to our ability to receive care for our cancer(s). 

I remember how difficult it was hearing each of our individual diagnosis of rare cancers. Then it was a challenging and hard life-change to move to Houston (temporarily) last year for a few months while David received chemo and radiation treatment at MDA. It was a journey for him to recover from that experience (for which we were most grateful for the opportunity). It's just a part of our lives to receive ongoing cancer care and we are careful to keep health insurance to assist with this. I, with a lifetime of treatment for an incurable cancer, and David with ongoing surveillance for his cancer to ensure the ability to catch it again, as it's fast growing if it decides to resurface. He's not "in the clear" yet, but we are hoping with time he will be. MD Anderson will not give him a clean bill of health until at least 3 years from his treatment. SNUC is not a cancer voted Most Popular. 

Our dilemma? Since Oct 1, David has not been authorized to have his periodic PET and MRI scans along with his followup appts with his multiple oncologist. This new so-called insurance has danced around their denials for 1 1/2 months placing blame on everyone, literally everyone without taking ownership of it themselves. In addition, this new-to-us health insurance company has not paid one penny towards my cancer treatments. And again, they place blame on everything and everyone else without batting an eye about it. 

I've never seen anything like this in my life personally. I've heard about it, but am now seeing it in motion in my own life. David is on Attempt #3 to go to MDA this coming week for his appts. We'll see if that actually can happen because somehow, the insurance company pulls levers that will take away his insurance authorization or reject MDA's request for verification of insurance. 

I, in turn, am working with my local oncology office (where I receive treatments every 2 weeks) to see how long their financial aid will last and what my portion is if this new insurance company decides they will not pay at all. It's all very stressful. It's as if we have no health insurance at all, even though we are paying for it.

What to do then.....

So if you decide to find private health care insurance on your own, the private world of health care insurance is able to exclude your pre-existing conditions. Meaning, they will not pay for what you currently have going on. Yet luckily, for employee health insurance, it is different. 

So. My only choice is to find a new job with a company that has decent health care benefits and insurance. And so I did. I've had to. I've tried to find other solutions, but with David and I's cancer(s) we have no choice. As I looked around for other employment opportunities, I am quizzical about their health insurance options. I'm looking for a new job but mostly new health insurance. I never would have thought I would be in this situation. Never in a lifetime. But here we are.

I have 2 main concerns: 1) the new employment opportunity, and 2) the health insurance. I'm happy to say that I've chosen a new work home. It's with Medical City HCA at the McKinney Surgery Center. This gives me an opportunity to be with a large company whose health benefits are consistent and applicable to a large grouping of employees that make it more stable. No, it may not be inexpensive or all encompassing, but I need stability. I just need to know what I'm going to pay, and that the rest will be paid. I need to know the health insurance will not always be changing, other than year to year as usual. 

These last 6 weeks have actually been more stressful (dealing with this awful health insurance company) than most anything David and I have been through thus far in regards to our cancer journey. I've let the stress manifest in my shoulders, back and jaw causing unrelenting pain - all places where my stress internalizes. I do recognize this is happening. I know it and I feel it. I then acknowledge it and find ways to self soothe. I find ways to relax, to clear my mind and learn to let go of the inability to control things I cannot control. My biggest obstacle is the fact that I am unable to comprehend how companies can actually do this. Whereby you've met your deductible, out of pocket maximum. But yet....they do not and will not pay. Without any reason. It's incomprehensible. Prior to 10/1, everything was fine and good with our health benefits and coverage. We had all the details ironed out and things were on autopilot. Then everything changed on 10/1. For everyone at my place of employment, not just me. 

This is not a me-thing. Others at work are suffering with this change at work as well. The employees are so stricken with anger and confusion at their own issues, that the managing company (Surgery Partners) has requested that NO employee call them any further due to the "hostile" nature of the calls. So now the insurance company and managing company are in cahoots to just quit taking calls all together in regards to communication with employees. 

To take this one step further, it's also affected everyone's 401K funds. This new managing company also had all employees move their funds to a Well Fargo acct (in Surgery Partners name of course) while "they" decide when to actually place it into a new Fidelity acct for each employee. Did I mention this has been since Oct 1? No one at my workplace has their 401K funds that they have so diligently placed over the years, nor have any deductions been removed and matched. I may well leave this company without my money from my 401K. The workplace is in an uproar. It's not just me. It's all of us. We are promised "it will be there soon". 

I just don't even see how this is a thing. But it's happening. And I'm going to have to leave it all behind somehow. The madness of it all is something I've never seen before. Certainly there's something illegal in here somewhere?! The ongoingness of it all shocks me everyday I rise and shine. 

So many questions with no answers. Reminds me of the word pathos. Pathos is the sense that you're caught in a situation for which there's no solution. But you have to keep going. The irony of this all is that it's not the terrible situation of all this.....it's the ongoingness of it, that gets to me. And then everyone hopes. It's a kind of hope that helps you get through it all, knowing that you're still not going to be relieved of the pain. You just keep hoping anyway. If we had a guarantee, we wouldn't need hope. But there is no guarantee of resolution. Just hope with a side of pathos. Not what I ordered, but what I got. 

What now....

Now I'm leaving a job I love. A job that I thought I'd be working at until the end of my working. 

I have accepted a job I'm looking forward to though. I haven't given notice yet......but will soon. I'll be a charge nurse in the OR learning new leadership skills. My 'new' Administrator and Nursing Director have all the faith in me. I'll hold on tight to their faith and lean on them as they assist me through this learning curve. And I'll continue to hope. There will be no explanations to any of this. None. As Dr Hauerwas said, "It's there, it can't be explained." 

And Kate Bowler reminds me that Everything Happens - and not for a reason. Because no one can give us the reasons. So how do we know it's for a reason because there may not be a reason yet we all look for a reason. Everything just happens. Quit looking for the explanation, Cyndi. It's a vicious circle that might as well be titled The Circle of Ongoingness. Things don't always make sense. One day, I'll look back on this and think, Wow, how crazy was that. All while I search for beauty and meaning, grace and courage. I move through this time in my life knowing it won't last forever, and that things are not always fair and right. Yet, another season will bloom. And together with love, friends and family, we get to the other side. But for now, I'm feeling what it feels like to be caught in it, not yet on the other side. Feeling it. Knowing there is another side of this. And feeling like it's important to allow myself the vulnerability to say that I'm in this space right now. Reminding myself that an explanation is not the answer. I mean, maybe the ability to live well is the ability to live without explanation. Oooof.

I'll close with a beautiful blessing that Kate gives at the end of her discussion with Dr Hauerwas. Sometimes, things just can't be fixed - or explained. And that feels heavy right now. Just feel it all, and keep moving through it. Apparently, through it is the only way, as there's no going around it.

Til next time my loves,

Cyndi

A Blessing For When Things Don't Make Any Sense

God, I’m fumbling around for answers. Reasons. Meaning. I can’t find any purpose in this pain. Why me? Why them? Why now? I don’t know when this is going to get better or if I will ever feel relief. Blessed are we who need to be reminded that there are some things we can fix and some things we can’t. Blessed are we who can say, my life isn’t always getting better. Right in the midst of pain and fear and uncertainty. May we hunt for beauty and meaning and truth together. Not to erase the pain or solve the pain, though surely that would be nice. But to remind us that beauty and sorrow coexist. And that doesn’t mean we’re broken or have been forgotten. In our hope. In our disappointment. In our joy. In our pain. God is here. And we are never, were never, and will never be alone.

Funny thing is

Isn't it funny how one thing turns into something else then morphs into something quite different and then you end up somewhere you had no idea was even a pliable idea and then what happens is completely unexpected and never had it on your radar in the first or second place. 

It all started with a chicken party. Savannah, my great niece who is a fellow chicken lover was turning 8 years old this month, at the same time Brooks was turning 2 years old. The birthday bash for these two kiddos would be celebrated on the same day with Savannah requesting a chicken theme and Brooks a car theme.

As you can only imagine, I would be buying Savannah chickens (chicks who are almost teenagers actually) and gifting those to her to have on our farm. I had gotten her 5 silkie chicks whom I then allowed to age and grow up a bit before the big party, so they would be nice and hardy for plentiful handling by children. 

These 5 silkies have no idea of the 
birthday party to come 🎂

Three white (and two grey)

 

David would be in charge of the chicken cake.

Chocolate eggs, cotton candy for the nest,
and a chicken cake mold helped bring this
all together. It's one-of-kind.

David would also make a car cake for Brooks although we did not buy him a new car for his birthday, he did get three car toys instead.

Can you imagine that one day.......
he'll be getting a real car.

The big day of the party arrived and we celebrated Savannah turning 8 and Brooks turning 2!

The happiest birthday twins 💕

Celebrating multiple birthdays at once has
become a favorite activity.

Brooks was intrigued at all the gifts.
Savannah and Declan are the most
wonderful cousins who share and care.

It's hard trying to figure out what being 
"Number 2" means. 

We all had so much fun on the farm as Savannah played and played with her chickens, collected eggs in the barn (regular 30 minute chicken egg check) as she stayed outside as much as possible. 

This is what I live for.

She handles her chickens with love and grace.

And each time I looked up, I would also see Sheryl off in the pasture giving treats to the mini horses, Maggie the Pig and the sheep. I noticed all the farm animals surrounding her in a perfect circle waiting their turn for their treat. Then, Sheryl would be back in the house again rummaging quietly through the kitchen, looking for animal-grade treats. And then I would look up and see her back out in the pasture again, providing more tasty treats of cake, veggies and anything that looked extra-and-edible from non-suspecting party goers who appeared to be done with their plates. There's always leftovers at a party, but on this day, if you walked away from your plate too long it would become a farm animal treat. 

As we celebrated with hamburgers and hotdogs, cake and ice cream, and chickens. It was sometime during mid-party that things took a turn. Kristin, my niece started talking about taking Savannah's chickens home, getting a coop, setting up a chicken area in their back yard and then begin asking questions regarding the caretaking and keeping of chickens. Yump, I thought, that's certainly an option although we are happy to keep them here on the farm for her (original plan). I am also happy to see them available to Savannah for safekeeping at her house and them taking care of the 5 birthday chickens, loving them, holding them and having them right in their own backyard. I hadn't thought of that option, but as the party progressed, that option became the decision. 

How can you say No to this?
(chick via a hatching set of eggs in
our own silkie flock)

Since they would need to get their chicken coop and fencing set up, we would keep Savannah's chickens at the farm until the following weekend and then make the chicken-transfer at that time. 

The chicken and car birthday party eventually came to a close and as Savannah said Bye to her chickens, she knew that in about a week she would then have them in her own backyard. 

I thought, how cool is this!

Then the fun part starts......with Kristin, Sheryl and Gene trying to decide on a coop, where to put said coop, how to protect them from predators and other backyard chicken discussions. We texted back and forth with chicken questions and answers, coop options and logistics of the chicken pickup the following weekend.

Turns out, since Brooks is 2 years old he's having a 2nd birthday party at Lauren's house the following weekend with her friends and Ryan's family (and us). Side note: Ryan was at a previously planned camping trip the day we had Brooks birthday party at the farm. So it's fitting that if you are 2 then 2 birthday parties are in order.

While we are heading over to Fort Worth it would be perfect timing to pass off Savannah's chickens to Kristin, Sheryl and Gene. And that we did. We made a chicken transfer to them along the way to Brooks 2nd 2 year old birthday party in Fort Worth, this time.

They had been feverishly setting up chicken-shop for the new arrivals. They put together their coop, set up fencing, placed out lots of chicken toys such as ladders, a swing and a mirror. And wa-laa!

But then this happened! Now, how really cool is this.

First look and first hold in her new chicken world.

What started as a chicken party at the farm also ended up being a chicken party at their house too. Savannah is the best chicken mama and her backup team of her mom, Kristin, along with chicken-grandparents of Sheryl and Gene makes it all magical and wonderful. 

This story reminds me that we live a life of surprises. Bad surprises, good surprises and surprises that you could have never imagined. This was one of the best surprises I've seen in awhile. Chickens who were to be Savannah's here on the farm are now in her own backyard. It warms my heart and soul. The best surprise chicken surprise unknowingly that another chicken surprise would be on the horizon.

But you mentioned bad surprises.....

Yeah, I did. You can't have all the good and no bad. You can try - but in my life, I'm about 70-30 on good vs bad surprises. Maybe even 60-40 because living on a farm increases your chance for a bad surprise. Regardless, I did encounter a bad surprise recently.

Remember when I mentioned about David and I would be going to our MD Anderson appts? We were to leave early and I mean early on Monday morning the day after the chicken and car party. But after reading an email that we received early Friday prior (from MDA) reflected that David was now considered cash pay AND my insurance showing no deductibles had been met for the year. 

First, David and I had both met our deductibles and out of pocket maximums. The surprise was that when my company changed health insurance on all our employees on October 1 (this year! yes, late in this year!) that the "promised" information such as deductibles/out of pocket maximums and other important health insurance information did not actually get transferred over as all employees had been told it would.  

Let's just say (due to my jaw being tight and tense right now because I am still mad and sad about this whole event) that David and I both tried all day Friday, Monday and Tuesday to get this health insurance information issue all squared away to no avail until Tuesday when it was too late. And even now I'm not convinced things were ever squared away with the health insurance situation. Needless to say, we had to abandon our MDA appts and not go at the very last minute due to this change in my health insurance and their inability to provide the proper and valid information to MDA. David's amount due actually said you'll need to cash pay $26,000 when you arrive for your appts. He has a PET scan, MRI and all the appts with his multiple oncologist. I think I had fire shooting out the top of my head as my company could not get their $hit together and figure out how to correct and reflect all this health insurance data properly. It was truly a $hit $how that I had no way to be the supervisor of it. It was out of my hands and we were at the mercy of a company who could not get their own stuff together. I was furious.

Back at work, my company is still struggling to fix the health benefit insurance botch that is affecting everyone. Yes, this is not just a me thing. It's an every-employee thing. No one can use their existing deductibles and everyone is paying money all over again when they go for their own health care appts. The people are inconsolable. The company has f'd this one up real good. I'm not sure that they really care - but I think they may lose employees over this one. They did this one up real good. 

Thus far, David has rescheduled his MDA appts and I have not. My oncologist is not available for 2 weeks, and they've already got David all rescheduled so I'll likely stay home on the farm while he travels to Houston on Nov 7 and 8th. That seems like the easiest thing to do, as I also have my usual BESREMi injection that day at Texas Oncology (and he won't be back from Houston in time). But we'll get it all figured out. It's just unfortunate that this happens in this day and time of technology.  

What I've learned is that it's not a surprise that the people working at the insurance company and in the HR dept that administers this plan do not care. They do not care about the employee who needs her IVF treatment, or the cancer patients who need their care, or the employee who needs to take their child to the pediatrician. Every employee is left out to dry, hanging and pulling out their wallets to pay while we wait for the deductible information to be corrected and other misc issues to be resolved along with that. I'm told that it will be all resolved by 10/24. But no, that was a lie too. So for these last 25 days, anyone seeking healthcare had 2 choices.....wait - or pay again. We were given a 3rd option to call and ask HR to call our Provider/Facility and explain the insurance situation, but that in itself is a mess that I've found makes everything worse. 

Rant complete. Bad surprises are bad. 

Let's get back to a good surprise, shall we

I'm happy to say that at my last appt with Texas Oncology that "my numbers" (that's what I'll call them to spare you the nitty gritty details) are looking marvelous! It's actually been 2 Tuesdays that I've gone to Texas Oncology and had my labs drawn along with an injection that's now at a steady dose of 150 mcg of BESREMi. I've been feeling good after the injections. The nurse at Texas Oncology and I are on respectable and good terms - and she actually gives me my shot each time I go now. I'm so glad that she and I can put the past behind us and move forward together in a positive light.  

I've seen my oncologist at Texas Onc who is pleased with my results from the treatment of BESREMi. It's been a nice surprise. A wonderful surprise that I could not have predicted weeks ago. My numbers specific to PV are looking great with my liver and kidney indicators showing improvement. The overdose of BESREMi had taken a toll on my liver, esp. But considering everything, my body is stabilizing very well. 

You are likely asking how I can have all this at Texas Oncology with my insurance f up. Well, I had applied for financial aid (back in Sept when my insurance was about to change and I did not know if my cancer treatment would be covered) at Texas Oncology so that when your insurance does have a hiccup, the financial aid will step in to help cover cancer patients costs and allow them to continue their current care and treatment. Amazing, huh? That, too, was a nice surprise and has brought me much peace in this madness in which certain companies apparently do not properly handle their insurance things and deliver: 1) what was promised and 2) what you paid for.  When you think about changing jobs because it might be an easier fix for your health care insurance issues.....that's when you know things are bad. 

All the thanks to Texas Oncology for stepping up to the plate to assist their patients and meet their needs. I've encountered clinical issues and insurance challenges and not quite sure which is worse. All I know is both get in the way of progress. But you know me, I keep pressing on. 

Chick-A-Dee

It was in my last blog post that I had mentioned Rusty, the silkie rooster who is making time with my silkie girlz who are now sitting on their eggs. Well, those eggs have begun to hatch. Thus far, we have 5 little chicks. 2 yellow (likely will be white as an adult), 2 grey and 1 brownish. They are each a few days apart. 

Look at that little grey thing.
Careful putting your hand in here,
these mamas mean business.

These chicks love their mamas and typically
don't stray far.

Hardly 1 day old. Waiting for sisters and brothers.

Even with the cooler weather, the rain and the back and forth of the temps - these chicks are thriving because the silkie mamas take such great care of them. Silkies are intense and dedicated mamas. It's a joy to watch them raise their chicks all while still sitting on their remaining eggs. 

Even though we do not know how many eggs remaining are fertile and will produce a chick. We wait. We watch. We stay out of the way. That's how best to do it and it's taken David and I many mess-ups to understand this. Don't touch anything, move anything around or change their process. Just give them food and water and let nature do it's thing. So far, so wonderful. Did I mention that farm life brings more surprises? 

Mainly though

Despite all the surprises whether good or bad, what farm life brings me is love, therapy and peace. 

I love happy surprises for my animals, too. We surprised the livestock guard dogs and Winston with new warm dog beds for wintertime. 

Winston owns this bed. 

Although on Hospice, he lives his life well.

A warm bed for Blackie, litter box close by,
and pets each time we enter the Tack Room.

We surprised Blackie with a new warmer bed for winter and even hung one of the (chicken) heat lamps above his sleeping area in the tack room of the barn. I just want him to be comfortable. He's by far the sweetest cat we have here, well, except for June Bug. She's my heart. But these sweet sweet kitties are a reminder that love lives outside of me. And this type of love makes me whole. They do not care if I have cancer or a pimple on my face. Their only focus in life is to live and love in this space at this time. When I reach down to pet any one of them, I look into their eyes, I inspect their little face, I make a memory of what they look like in that moment. I never want to forget it. I never want them to leave. 

Yet as their bodies - and my own body changes and ages, it's inevitable. My surrender comes in the form that I will see them again when we do depart one another. I already know that it's Bridgette that I will be looking for when I step off the curb. 

Forever my girl 💟

Mr Retired is full of surprises

Bridgey-Bear, I'll be looking for her.....

This photo of Bridgette will be hung in the laundry room whereby David is re-tiling it at this time.

June Bug wants to know why everything
is everywhere 

The cats are demanding their Cat Room
be placed back in order please

We picked out a white wash tile and I love how it's going to brighten the laundry room, better known as the Cat Room. Despite it all, I'm excited to have new tile in there. Mr Retired is doing a fabulous job, thank you sir.

The best part is when I get to put the laundry room back together. I'll hang the photo of Bridge up, along with the one of Sugar.

This face 

Once the laundry room is complete and back in order, I'll set up the Cat Space again so that they are ready for the cooler weather and have a place to be safe and warm, should they so desire. The barn and outside cats do frequent the laundry room via a doggie door. But the laundry room is closed off to the rest of the house. 

Mr Retired is also working on several projects in the garage like sorting his fishing gear, he's also working on gates and fencing around the property and the list in his head just gets longer and longer everyday. He's laid out irrigation tubes up by the pond for burial and water diversion. He's painting things, cooking things and doing whatever fills his soul on any given day. For him, there's not enough hours in the day. For me, there's this wonderful benefit of a new tile floor, projects progressing that I've only thought about, all while coming home from work each day to listen to his detailed outline of what a day in the life looks like. He's enjoying his volunteer work at the Community Garden Kitchen in McKinney and as more of his time frees up, I'm guessing that more volunteer work will be on his agenda. It's just who he is.

Then another surprise toed up…..

Lauren and Ryan did find out his toe is not
broken, which is nice. But this is
Day 1 and we are on Day 5 and it's 
officially a hot mess now……

Sure enough, after a fun and exciting birthday weekend, Brooks dropped a (heavy) water bottle on his toe. That's enough to spoil the birthday high he was having, but in true form, he stayed strong and we'll see what happens next with it. I'm sure it will be a surprise. 

So as I watch a new chicken family develop.....

Savannah reading a book to her chickens

and wait and see what comes next, I realize that there's everything about all of my life I love. Yeah, things can be hard and heavy sometimes. Yet, when I walk around outside and there's no one around, this pleases me the most. I want to always and only live with animals. I know that would be seen as an oddity. So if I cannot have only the animals, my family is where my heart lies. There are first and foremost even though I say it's the animals. And as Lauren and Ryan move down their path of finding their peace and quiet in the country as well, I welcome them with open arms to the joy that is here in the country. David and I cannot imagine it any other way here. We will soak up all the minutes in this gift of serenity we call the Graves Farm or the Sunshine Senior Resort, as really, we are both. And I am most grateful.

Sometimes the things that make us whole are not us,

Cyndi

 

So where does time travel when it leaves us each day.