The ongoingness of it all

Ongoingness

I have fallen in love with the word of Ongoingness.  I first heard it on the Everything Happens (Kate Bowler) podcast recently and have been not able to unapply it since. 

Kate was interviewing Dr. Stanley Hauerwas (author of many books on religion in the 20th century) and they were discussing why God doesn't fix our pain, among other hard and difficult topics. Kate is a cancer trooper herself, and for some reason, I love how she's able to embrace the bad in all of it. She embodies the bad of cancer more than she does the good of cancer. I find this fascinating therefore I love listening to her podcast and the guest she chooses. She reminds me of viewpoints I don't always see. 

As she and Dr Hauerwas carried on their conversation, he begin to review why God is not an explanation, and to resist the demand and/or need for explanation. *But wait, I thought - I like explanations. Nope, Dr Hauerwas reminded me instead that "it's there, it can't be explained". Those words stung. Because I'm struggling right now with a situation without an explanation.  

More info please

Lately, my feelings toward David and I's cancer journey have been focused on how an health insurance company's actions can cause such pain and suffering with their disregard towards cancer patients who's needing health care services. Since Oct 1, when the company I work for changed benefit managing companies, nothing has been okay in regards to our ability to receive care for our cancer(s). 

I remember how difficult it was hearing each of our individual diagnosis of rare cancers. Then it was a challenging and hard life-change to move to Houston (temporarily) last year for a few months while David received chemo and radiation treatment at MDA. It was a journey for him to recover from that experience (for which we were most grateful for the opportunity). It's just a part of our lives to receive ongoing cancer care and we are careful to keep health insurance to assist with this. I, with a lifetime of treatment for an incurable cancer, and David with ongoing surveillance for his cancer to ensure the ability to catch it again, as it's fast growing if it decides to resurface. He's not "in the clear" yet, but we are hoping with time he will be. MD Anderson will not give him a clean bill of health until at least 3 years from his treatment. SNUC is not a cancer voted Most Popular. 

Our dilemma? Since Oct 1, David has not been authorized to have his periodic PET and MRI scans along with his followup appts with his multiple oncologist. This new so-called insurance has danced around their denials for 1 1/2 months placing blame on everyone, literally everyone without taking ownership of it themselves. In addition, this new-to-us health insurance company has not paid one penny towards my cancer treatments. And again, they place blame on everything and everyone else without batting an eye about it. 

I've never seen anything like this in my life personally. I've heard about it, but am now seeing it in motion in my own life. David is on Attempt #3 to go to MDA this coming week for his appts. We'll see if that actually can happen because somehow, the insurance company pulls levers that will take away his insurance authorization or reject MDA's request for verification of insurance. 

I, in turn, am working with my local oncology office (where I receive treatments every 2 weeks) to see how long their financial aid will last and what my portion is if this new insurance company decides they will not pay at all. It's all very stressful. It's as if we have no health insurance at all, even though we are paying for it.

What to do then.....

So if you decide to find private health care insurance on your own, the private world of health care insurance is able to exclude your pre-existing conditions. Meaning, they will not pay for what you currently have going on. Yet luckily, for employee health insurance, it is different. 

So. My only choice is to find a new job with a company that has decent health care benefits and insurance. And so I did. I've had to. I've tried to find other solutions, but with David and I's cancer(s) we have no choice. As I looked around for other employment opportunities, I am quizzical about their health insurance options. I'm looking for a new job but mostly new health insurance. I never would have thought I would be in this situation. Never in a lifetime. But here we are.

I have 2 main concerns: 1) the new employment opportunity, and 2) the health insurance. I'm happy to say that I've chosen a new work home. It's with Medical City HCA at the McKinney Surgery Center. This gives me an opportunity to be with a large company whose health benefits are consistent and applicable to a large grouping of employees that make it more stable. No, it may not be inexpensive or all encompassing, but I need stability. I just need to know what I'm going to pay, and that the rest will be paid. I need to know the health insurance will not always be changing, other than year to year as usual. 

These last 6 weeks have actually been more stressful (dealing with this awful health insurance company) than most anything David and I have been through thus far in regards to our cancer journey. I've let the stress manifest in my shoulders, back and jaw causing unrelenting pain - all places where my stress internalizes. I do recognize this is happening. I know it and I feel it. I then acknowledge it and find ways to self soothe. I find ways to relax, to clear my mind and learn to let go of the inability to control things I cannot control. My biggest obstacle is the fact that I am unable to comprehend how companies can actually do this. Whereby you've met your deductible, out of pocket maximum. But yet....they do not and will not pay. Without any reason. It's incomprehensible. Prior to 10/1, everything was fine and good with our health benefits and coverage. We had all the details ironed out and things were on autopilot. Then everything changed on 10/1. For everyone at my place of employment, not just me. 

This is not a me-thing. Others at work are suffering with this change at work as well. The employees are so stricken with anger and confusion at their own issues, that the managing company (Surgery Partners) has requested that NO employee call them any further due to the "hostile" nature of the calls. So now the insurance company and managing company are in cahoots to just quit taking calls all together in regards to communication with employees. 

To take this one step further, it's also affected everyone's 401K funds. This new managing company also had all employees move their funds to a Well Fargo acct (in Surgery Partners name of course) while "they" decide when to actually place it into a new Fidelity acct for each employee. Did I mention this has been since Oct 1? No one at my workplace has their 401K funds that they have so diligently placed over the years, nor have any deductions been removed and matched. I may well leave this company without my money from my 401K. The workplace is in an uproar. It's not just me. It's all of us. We are promised "it will be there soon". 

I just don't even see how this is a thing. But it's happening. And I'm going to have to leave it all behind somehow. The madness of it all is something I've never seen before. Certainly there's something illegal in here somewhere?! The ongoingness of it all shocks me everyday I rise and shine. 

So many questions with no answers. Reminds me of the word pathos. Pathos is the sense that you're caught in a situation for which there's no solution. But you have to keep going. The irony of this all is that it's not the terrible situation of all this.....it's the ongoingness of it, that gets to me. And then everyone hopes. It's a kind of hope that helps you get through it all, knowing that you're still not going to be relieved of the pain. You just keep hoping anyway. If we had a guarantee, we wouldn't need hope. But there is no guarantee of resolution. Just hope with a side of pathos. Not what I ordered, but what I got. 

What now....

Now I'm leaving a job I love. A job that I thought I'd be working at until the end of my working. 

I have accepted a job I'm looking forward to though. I haven't given notice yet......but will soon. I'll be a charge nurse in the OR learning new leadership skills. My 'new' Administrator and Nursing Director have all the faith in me. I'll hold on tight to their faith and lean on them as they assist me through this learning curve. And I'll continue to hope. There will be no explanations to any of this. None. As Dr Hauerwas said, "It's there, it can't be explained." 

And Kate Bowler reminds me that Everything Happens - and not for a reason. Because no one can give us the reasons. So how do we know it's for a reason because there may not be a reason yet we all look for a reason. Everything just happens. Quit looking for the explanation, Cyndi. It's a vicious circle that might as well be titled The Circle of Ongoingness. Things don't always make sense. One day, I'll look back on this and think, Wow, how crazy was that. All while I search for beauty and meaning, grace and courage. I move through this time in my life knowing it won't last forever, and that things are not always fair and right. Yet, another season will bloom. And together with love, friends and family, we get to the other side. But for now, I'm feeling what it feels like to be caught in it, not yet on the other side. Feeling it. Knowing there is another side of this. And feeling like it's important to allow myself the vulnerability to say that I'm in this space right now. Reminding myself that an explanation is not the answer. I mean, maybe the ability to live well is the ability to live without explanation. Oooof.

I'll close with a beautiful blessing that Kate gives at the end of her discussion with Dr Hauerwas. Sometimes, things just can't be fixed - or explained. And that feels heavy right now. Just feel it all, and keep moving through it. Apparently, through it is the only way, as there's no going around it.

Til next time my loves,

Cyndi

A Blessing For When Things Don't Make Any Sense

God, I’m fumbling around for answers. Reasons. Meaning. I can’t find any purpose in this pain. Why me? Why them? Why now? I don’t know when this is going to get better or if I will ever feel relief. Blessed are we who need to be reminded that there are some things we can fix and some things we can’t. Blessed are we who can say, my life isn’t always getting better. Right in the midst of pain and fear and uncertainty. May we hunt for beauty and meaning and truth together. Not to erase the pain or solve the pain, though surely that would be nice. But to remind us that beauty and sorrow coexist. And that doesn’t mean we’re broken or have been forgotten. In our hope. In our disappointment. In our joy. In our pain. God is here. And we are never, were never, and will never be alone.