Someone please tell me

Where does the time go? I've been mulling this over for quite some time. And even though that sounds like a play on words, it's true. I think about where time goes after we are done with it. When I asked Google where the time goes, it says that time mostly goes on the x-axis because it allows for other qualities to be a function of time. And that in most cases, time is independent of other variables. Since that was not exactly what I was looking for, although I thank Google for its answer, I'm needing something much more than that. After all, I think I learned that in 7th grade. My questions for time are now much different. Give me something more woo woo, or maybe more scientific. Just something about where time really goes. 

Turns out, I find that both Einstein and Newton have conflicting theories on how time works, but both agree that time is only forward moving. And then, turns out (liking the turning out thing today apparently) it's a classic argument regarding the flow of time. The No-Direction theory basically says that unlike many things in life that are symmetrical or circular, time is one-directional or asymmetrical. Also as taught in physics, that basically, time has no direction. 

Then, to complicate the long standing question of 'where does the time go', I find it's often speculated that time might only exist in your head. Apparently, there are many philosophers and theorists that feel that time does not actually come from the physical world, as it's said that time comes from four-dimensional space, and then Einstein's Theory of Relativity comes into play. I won't go into all that as there's not enough time or space in this blog to even touch on it  - and it'll also save you time in your precious life.

What I've learned is that time may not be what it seems. Time is not necessarily past, present and future. True, time can be dependent on what someone's definition of what time is. Time will forever be discussed in books, dissertations and every other kind of genre in this world. I mean, time is a TedTalk. The topic of time is written about in thousands of books over thousands of years. Time is debated at such a detailed level by so many people that there's no way I can wrap my head around it all. Time has been debated for all time over generations and generations by many people and by many genius's. Yet, still today, no one can definitively pin down this time phenomenon. And here we are....asking so casually....where has the time gone. No one really knows and that's incredibly fascinating to me. 

Letting Blackie go.....when is it time?

I've put off blogging for the very reason I did not want to re-live or talk about losing Blackie. It just hurts. That same deep hurt again, like I felt when I lost Winston only a month ago.

Too pretty for a barn cat

We lost Blackie this past week. I cried many days before he passed, I cried (and exhausted myself) the day of his passing, and still feel the sting of it all when I think about him. Every animal is so very special, and Blackie was no exception. 

For so long, he lived up here

Until he could no longer get up there....

We were fortunate that 3 years ago, Blackie decided to pick us to help him. We had seen his elusive self, slinking around, to eat and take safety in the garage, then eventually in the barn. We keep cat food out in both places for our own cats, and also for cats that just 'show up'. Blackie was different in that he was a long-haired black beautiful cat who appeared more of an inside cat than outside. For quite a while, as we watched him secretly come and go, we never knew if he was male or female. We just knew "that's a beautiful cat" - yet feral. His long bushy tail was unmistakeable. We were never allowed to get close, and if we tried, he'd slink off quickly.

Then one day, he decided he needed us enough to allow us to see him - just close enough to notice the wound on his forehead.

This is how he came to us initially, with a 
wound that seemingly would not heal on
it's own

It was around this time that we decided to trap him and take him to the vet for the wound on his forehead. It definitely needed attention. So we did trap him to his dismay and we made our way to the vet. The vet would tell us we'd need to bring him inside the house so that his wound could heal, administer antibiotics/medication and that it would take about 30 days (give or take) to help this infected wound heal - with medication and a clean environment. 

Unsure about what we were getting ourselves into, David and I picked the guest room upstairs to release Blackie in (who was 'wild' at that time and so very scared of us) to which he promptly ran to the closet and stayed there for most of the duration of his healing. He did in fact use the litter box we placed in there, and he did take the medication we would put in his food and in treats. 

By the time Blackie's forehead wound healed and he was ready to be released back outside, he had become tame, trusted us, and allowed us to love him and pet him readily. He was just the sweetest boy. Oh yeah, and we figured out he was a he. He also had a piece of his ear cut off signifying that he was indeed neutered. 

He would share his little cat house with 
chickens.

He would patiently wait for the chicken(s)
to lay their eggs, their head back into his little 
house and happily lay on/with the eggs.

Since that time, Blackie has lived in the Tack Room in the barn, taking shelter on a shelf higher up inside a 'cat house' that in the winter time would include a heating pad. 

Blackie readily shared his cat house with the chickens, who often times laid an egg in it. Blackie did not mind, and once the chicken(s) finished laying an egg, he was happy to lie in his little cat house with a chicken egg in it. He was so laid back about it all. Chickens, no problem. Eggs, no problem. He's a sharer. 

As time went on, he moved downstairs off the 
shelf and onto a softer bed with a heat lamp,
when needed.

My sweet boy just kept getting smaller

Then about 6 months ago, Blackie started to lose weight and even limp a little. After that did not seem to get better with trying new cat food(s) and encouraging weight gain, we took him to the vet. The vet proceeded to tell us that he was very old, that he was losing his teeth and that weight loss in older cats is not unusual. He also noted that Blackie had severe arthritis and his joints were swollen and sore, therefore limping might occur. This all made sense, but yet there was not a fix to his issues. Pain meds, but no long term fix. Fast forward to his symptoms worsening, more weight loss, more limping and back to the vet we go. A steroid shot would be all they could offer along with noting a spot/place in his mouth that "might be cancer" or that Blackie has an auto immune disorder contributing to his issues. Hence, my prior blogs indicating that Blackie was on hospice, as he would not be recovering from his health issues.

Blackie began to become more and more frail

As Blackie continued to lose weight and decline in health, he would remain in his area in the tack room with a bed, a heat lamp, a litter box and food/water all within a central location for him. He seemed to be very comfortable there, and we both enjoyed seeing each other each day we came to the barn to feed all the animals. He would ask for pets. Sadly, he would lick only the juice from the wet cat food we would offer him. He was so thin, and was down to 5 lbs at this point. 

We knew we were going to lose Blackie. This is the point that every pet owner dreads. Do we allow him to pass on his own - or determine it's time to end his struggle and pain. 

After talking with my friend Marjie, she too had a dog with this same situation and a similar decision to be determined. And just like with Winston, we knew we should talk to a vet about this again. Marjie also told me she utilized a vet who would come to your home, to help determine this type of situation - and the magnitude of it all. So we called Dr Henderson at Beyond The Rainbow to come out and see Blackie to give us another opinion and help us make this decision. 

If I could ever recommend something to you in your life, it would be this. I've never done this before, but Dr Henderson did come to our farm, and reviewed Blackie's condition with us. She too informed us Blackie was not going to get better or improve, and like the other vet had suggested, that Blackie likely had cancer or an autoimmune disorder occurring. He was so tiny, and said he's likely "eating" just enough to stay alive and is motivated by seeing us each morning and night. After all, he has everything he needs at his paw-tips to exist in life, but that his body is barely thriving. Dr Henderson went on to explain that many times, cats will go away when they know they are going to pass on. They will go hide or run away to pass on. David and I both knew in our hearts that it was time to let Blackie go. It's just hard - every time - to make this kind of decision. We just knew that we did not want Blackie to run off and pass on his own. That seemed too sad for us - and him.

Our chalk board in the Tack Room

Dr Henderson would be able to assist Blackie to pass in his own bed, in his own comfortable, loving home with David and I with him. And he did. Blackie crossed that Rainbow Bridge with David and I at his side, talking to him, allowing all the smells and feels of his own bed to embrace him. It was a peaceful way to allow a loved one to pass on. His little body was worn, and I wished for his spirit to be free from the cruelty of what life can bring. Dr Henderson was so comforting, and I'll never forget her grace and her ability to make this hard transition as good as this type of situation can be. I'm so very grateful for her. 

A few days later, I saw this......
I wasn't expecting a note back from Blackie,
but wow, I felt this deep in my heart. And cried.

The blessing in this experience was that we were at home. I had Sugar there with Blackie, as he just loves her so much. Sugar may not be reciprocal regarding his feelings, but she is extremely tolerant of his love towards her. 

He shares his warm bed with Sugar. They both
wait patiently under the heat lamp while I feed
all the animals.

Blackie loved Sugar. Sugar 'tolerated' Blackie's 
love. Sugar's love is hard to come by in general.

On his final day, Sugar was there with us, and 
Blackie could not take his eyes off her. He
always wanted to nuzzle Sugar and love her.
She would try hard to allow his love.

Death is never easy. I've often thought that I could prepare myself for an upcoming loss by reasoning and reassuring myself that it's 'better that way' or somehow that decision is best for an animal. Yet every time, I find I'm not prepared. It's a pretend 'prepared' I prepare for and then reality hits hard every time. With the loss of Blackie erupted the same pain I recently felt with the loss of Winston. Blackie had also chosen us as his forever home. Blackie allowed us to care for him, love him, and granted us the privilege of his precious meows every time we walked into the Tack Room in the barn. Lucky for us, the Tack Room is the thoroughfare to the inside of the barn. It's where we prepare everyone's food. It's where we would see him day in and day out. Rain or shine. Blackie was a mainstay for us. His presence is so very missed. The room is empty without him. I'm still adjusting to this change. Yet I tell myself I can visit him just around the corner, as David buried Blackie behind the shed we have. He will forever be where I can find his spirit. I can hear his sweet meow right now.

My sweet boy, before he fell ill 💔

Not quite sure why, but I might find him 
leisurely sitting in his litter box.
Rest easy, my sweets. 

Life out here - while running

Speaking of animals that chose us........something that happens fairly often, but I don't often talk about is what happens when I'm out on a run. I run mostly on country roads, not well-traveled roads, and roads that can be unpredictable with animals that are loose - esp dogs.

Yes, I can't resist loving on
dogs out here

Ryan and Lauren had gotten me some bear spray awhile back after an encounter with a German Shepard that decided it did not like me going by on the road. This particular German Shepard came running at me so hard and so fast that it hit the cart/Bob stroller (that I often take Sugar and Maybe in on my runs) that it knocked the front wheel completely off and had it's whole mouth around Maybe's body in the cart. Since I carry a can of wasp spray for just this reason, I was able to deter this particular dog and even was able to speak to this dog owner about this. 

Nonetheless, it's a risk when running. Dogs. They are my biggest risk factor on the road. I've been bit, as you probably know already, and can tell you a dog can tear you up in about 30 seconds or less. Give them a minute or two, and as you've heard on the news, dogs can kill. They don't need alot of time. 

The above dogs pictured happen to be good dogs. Friendly, kind and respectful. But how do you know when they come running up to you as you're running along? You don't. You just make sure that you are "ready" - just in case. I've gotten quite used to this. And I'm happy to report that most dogs out here are good dogs. 

This is a recent example, and many times that I'm talking to Lauren or David on the phone while out running - they can hear barking dogs around me. It's part of the dealio. Sometimes these dogs will run along with me for miles. Yes, for miles. These dogs (above) had run at least 4 or 5 miles with me, when David showed up in the car. Why did David show up in the car? Because I was running towards Sherman for us to go eat lunch, and he was going to come and grab me on his way there. I have a particular route I run from Gunter to Sherman and David is well-versed on the route. He is an exceptional crew as you know from many of my races. I suppose it's never really a surprise that I have a dog following me or in this case, a pack of dogs around me as I run. 

David sees this probably more often
than he'd prefer.
I love Sugar's head sticking out the back
of the cart seeing what the heck is happening.

Do I want to take these dogs all back home with me? Of course I do. But yet, they are healthy-looking and most have collars on, so I know they are likely wanderers and probably have a place to call home. Will they find their way home, yeah, I bet they will. This particular pack seemed well-versed on sticking together. I enjoyed getting to know them as we moved down the non-busy back roads. The little black Schnauzer had a WonderWoman collar on and has been groomed/shaved short with a beard in place. The 2 Great Pyrenees were a girl and boy who seemed hauntingly similar to my own Penny and Dutch. The other (2) male and female St Bernard mixes were so sweet and surprisingly soft. The female dropped back and went back home, but the others stayed with me - until I got in the car. David just shakes his head as he never knows what he'll find when he comes to grab me off the road and take me to our favorite Mexican food place in Sherman. 

I think part of the journey and excitement while running on country roads is who and what you'll come across. I'm already a sight to see while running and pushing a Bob stroller with dog(s) in it. That in itself qualifies me for full-on Crazy Town. And then to come across more dogs - and what happens after that - keeps my life bubbly and fun. I love it. But I do have the Bear Spray (and wasp spray) if I need it. Usually though, its love and a soft voice these country dogs want. That's what I'd want if my dogs got out. Someone to treat them nicely. So that's what I give, along with a good run that they are likely not expecting. 

The healing's going well

I'm happy to tell you that I had my stitches taken out from my recent Moh's procedure for skin cancer. 

Wow, skin does not look that great close up.
The healing is a bit lumpy bumpy, but 
that's just how it goes. It calms down after 
a year or two and the scar becomes less visible.

I'm fortunate that I heal fairly well. My skin does well with stitches, and I'm always happy that I haven't gotten an infection from these incisions that happen more often than I prefer. After all, I wear a mask at work that rubs it, and I'm in a dirty barn cleaning and feeding farm animals. It's a wonder it heals decent. I'm happy to report the outcome is positive. 

It's healed well and for that I am grateful

For me, cancer can tend to encourage oneself to ruminate on death and dying, and where the time goes, and why I run out in the middle of nowhere for hours with my own dogs - I only have one answer: It's the season of life I'm in. I do ponder the mysteries of death as I have many senior animals on the farm and am a senior myself married to a senior. And it's been said that it only takes two generations to be forgotten. I do wonder if time is only from the current moment and forward. And there's very few things I'd rather do than be out running on the road with my little Sugar listening to audio books. It's where I'm at right now. These things feel right to me. It feels natural for me to do these things. The people who do drive by me on these country roads, in their cars, may think otherwise and I get that. I mean, who runs down the road with a tiny dog in a stroller and 5 dogs circling around them. Oh yeah, I do. Sometimes our lives make perfect sense to ourselves and not to others. The acceptance of that idea has been my life's work. 

Happy New Year!

Cyndi

How about a Brooks video for a more upbeat ending.....he's at the museum in front of a huge screen with dinosaurs, with his dad.