Laying track

As I fall into the hum of the fan in my room, with a small single-serving size vanilla Blue Bell ice cream cup in my lap, loaded with rainbow sprinkles, I melt into the bed. I've poured so many rainbow sprinkles on the little ice cream cup that I can barely put the spoon in it to get a bite without it spilling over the top with sprinkles. But I'm gentle, making sure not to spill one sprinkle out. I'm laying heavy on the bed, leaning into it as if to give my body over to it. All the while, I notice the train horn blowing loudly, alerting everyone the train is coming. I love that train. All the trains. The horn that blows tells me life is moving out there. Beyond my bed, my house, there's trains everywhere carrying important things to people. And I love to listen to the rumble, the train horn blowing, and it takes me to a different land.
I've been laying tracks in my own life. I'm laying a foundation of what's to come. I've spent far too many years letting the train decide where I'm going. I was riding the train, allowing it to take me here and there. That train of life took me to great places, to meet wonderful people and provided me a life full of love and ease. It seems like ease now, as I rode that train of life, allowing it to make my decisions and steer the way. It was fairly easy, doing what other people preferred me to do. Being what I felt like I was supposed to be, and being what others wanted me to be. It wasn't bad, don't get me wrong. Over time on this train ride, I realized I wanted off. I wanted to depart and be the train. To lay tracks and go where it is I want to go.
We all spend our lives beating ourselves up for not being this way or that way. For not having this or having that. For not living up to standards that we think fits everyone across the board. It took awhile, but my inner voice was telling me to lay my own tracks, which will set my path in a direction I desire to go. I may not always go where everyone else is going, or do what everyone else is doing. Doing something different does take courage, and being different appears wrong to many people. I always love hearing people tell stories about themselves that show their authenticity, their uniqueness, and what makes them happy. I'm like a sponge soaking up as many whole-hearted people as I can find.
It's each of those stories that fuels the track I'm laying. When you lose yourself to a life you do not recognize, it's easy to stay on the train and ride it out.  Losing yourself does not happen all at once. For me, it happened one complacent inability to say No, at a time. Call it low self-esteem, low confidence, or just plain easy. I woke up one day awhile back and found myself. I found my voice. No one was hurting me, or forcing me to do anything - work or personal. I was just riding the easy train of what I thought I was supposed to do and what others expected me to do. This easy train of life worked out well for a long time.
Time, wisdom, age and longing took me to a new train station. A place where I picked up all the pieces of me, and started working on putting me back together in a way that served who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go in life. I've loved the ride so far. It's been a great ride. Now, the tracks I lay will take me to new places. Sounds a little selfish, doesn't it? Dreams are lovely, but they are just that. Dreams. I'm going to Do. I'm going to forge ahead with my God-given remaining time and put myself out there. I'm going to represent me and what it is I want. I want to be the sun, the light in my life that takes me where I want to go. I'm not leaving anybody behind, merely listening to my inner voice, and going in it's direction.
As I narrate my own life story, it feels good to not explain or apologize for who I am. There's no fairy tale. There is no Why. It's about singing my song, dancing my dance and being the sun. When I love life so hard, it's so easy to love the life all around me. Happiness for me comes from being who I am.
So how did I get to this point in life? Well, I think the answer is I got tired of my own bulls$!t. Really, I was always making up things in my head about this and about that. I got to where I called bullshit on myself. Your full of bull, Cyndi.
It was time to change those records in my head. Matter of fact, I needed a whole new jukebox of records. I love my new records, and yes, every now and then I put a old album on in my head. But it doesn't sound that good anymore. It's worn and scratched. Some are reminiscent and remind me of good times, or I like a particular melody. Mostly, I like my new records that play loud and clear.
As I lay tracks for where I'm going, it's hard to say exactly where that is. You know me, that does not matter. My free spirit can take me most anywhere. As much as I enjoy roaming on my bike or on foot, home is where my heart and soul reside. It's a place where I want the things around me to make me smile. It's a place I desire to be uncluttered, to have what I need, and to also have things around me that make me happy. All these puzzle pieces fit together to bring happiness to my soul. I recently read the book, How Is Your Soul? It was a gentle reminder of how we never ask that question to each other, but we probably should. I take inventory of my soul now and then, which is what propels me to keep laying tracks. Tracks that will take me to where I desire to go, be who I want to be, and focus on being who God has blessed me to be.
I feel like the scope of my life has broadened - yet became narrower at the same time. Is that possible?  I can see all around me, what others are doing, but I'm happy in my bubble, bouncing around it all. I fine with others not understanding something I do, or why I might do something. With time, they will feel their own version of what I feel in life. With time. There is no hurry, as everybody picks the train they want to ride. It's taken years to understand why my mom wanted to move away to live and do what she wanted to do. To quit living her life for others, and live her life. It's taken years for me to understand that what other people try to think I want, just because they wanted it, doesn't mean I have to like it or want it too. It's taken time to realize there's only so many Golden Years, and I better get cracking early so I can kick back and enjoy as much of it as I can. I've learned that I can live my life and own up to the fact that's okay. The Power of kNOw is a wonderful thing. I enjoy saying Yes in my life, don't get me wrong. I'm not completely full of No's. Sometimes I say No to saying Yes. Mostly, I listen to my inner self and ask, "What is it you'd like?" Wisdom comes late in life, but thank goodness it gets there. Better late than not at all. I'll take it.
In this season of my life, laying tracks feels good.
Cyndi