2018

I'm not one for New Years resolutions. I've never really been. Yet this year, my thoughts have been in full-gear, churning out lists of things I want to "get going" on. Is that the same as a resolution? I may have to give into the notion that it is. I'm not sure yet.
I was at yoga class yesterday, and the yoga instructor begin to tell the class how a word - or set of thoughts - speak to her, and after awhile, she recognizes it and acts on it. I thought that was a interesting way of recognizing how the universe and God is speaking to us. I think that happens to each of us, and when we are are open to "listening" then we are able to grasp it and utilize it in our own lives. My set of recurring thoughts lately are based on where my next steps will take me. This continuum is based on creating a life of ease, joy and contentment. Even though I may be late-to-the-game, I've finally realized I have the exclusive ability to chose many things around me in life. I used to just let things happen, let people in my life randomly, and deal with it based on my inability to set boundaries. Now, I notice I make a conscious effort to chose the kind of energy I would like around me. This in itself, has changed the way I look at life. It certainly reduces conflict, drama and ill-will within myself - and to others.
As I slowly began to recognize this journey, I notice who around me is authentic. Who around me really cares. I thought I knew, but I didn't really. I wasn't being discriminatory with my feelings regarding situations and people, therefore this led me down the rabbit hole of chaos. How did I figure this out? I think I finally got tired of my spirit being in chaos on a regular basis. It did not feel like I was living a wholehearted life, and looking after myself as I could. - or should. So 2017 brought about ways for me to deter the chaos, and move inward. I was more careful of who I let in my life. How much I told others. What excuses I made to them, or better yet, if I even gave excuses to others.
2017 brought me the ability to not have to give a Why. To not have to go places when I desire not to. To investigate why I'm feeling like I may not want to go, and process those feelings......instead of ignoring them. To have self-compassion for myself, and live life more freely. To practice moderation.
Now, in a new year I want to continue this lifestyle, as it feels good to do so. Yet, I'm ready for more. I don't necessarily know what "more" is. So, I begin meditating on it, and allowing myself to think through it until I come up with answers. I think we all do this instinctively, it's just that I've noticed myself doing this more and more.
According to an audio book I've been listening to, this is mindfulness. When we hone our skill of being keen observers of ourselves. Paying attention to what's occurring while it's happening. Paying attention without judgement, comparing or accessing. Just paying attention to what's happening at those moments, and feeling the feelings. Good or bad, just openness. What I find interesting about this, is Lauren (my daughter) and I had had a discussion on this not long ago. Whereby we can feel feelings, and not make a judgement on them to whether they are good or bad. That's the ability of being mindful. It's a heightened awareness of ourselves.
I place judgement on my feelings all the time. "I feel bad I'm thinking this", or "I feel awful feeling this way", etc. And to initiate the ability to not classify my feelings, moved me into a new realm. And it takes practice for me to do this. I find I need to remind myself to feel my feelings, to give myself permission to do so, and let it be.
It seems so complicated, but I found the more I do this, the more I want to do this. Yes, I fall back into my "old ways" as they are comfortable and I'm used to them. Ahhhhh, my mindlessness life was easy. Yet, I like the way being mindful feels. It's forgiving. It's almost like stopping time and watching what is happening around me. For me, that takes practice. My usual state of mindlessness kicks in far too often. My semi-awareness, habitual ways and inattention to my own feelings doesn't feel so good anymore. And, it often brings about suffering.
I look forward to a new year because it brings me additional time to practice my new skill of mindfulness. I've been using it to think about my career, where I work, who I work with, how I want to be, and who I want to trust in my life, etc. Even though it seems like a "door" shutting, it's actually a window opening. Bringing in fresh air, sunshine and a warm breeze. I don't have to be the same ole me. I can be a better version of myself - and I look forward to doing just that. I do get frustrated with myself, as some days I am not the best version of myself. And trust me, I recognize it when it's happening, it's like a bad taste in your mouth. I feel bitter and bad when I'm not being my best self. And this is where the cycle happens, where we beat ourselves up because our "best" was not good enough, and I judge myself, and loose my self-compassion. So, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again at life. IMPERFECT, yet knowing I Am Enough. I am enough without being what others desire me to be. Better yet, what I desire myself to be.
And with that said, that's what propels me to live life wholeheartedly. To be the best version of myself I can be at any given time. To practice mindfulness, and recognize when I'm being mindless. It helps me be a keen observer of my own life. And I like how that feels, so I think I'll practice that some more.
Here's to us being the best version of us,
Cyndi