The stories I tell myself

There are times when I try to figure out what is reality and what is perception.....and thirdly, what is the story I'm telling myself? As I look around in my day to day activities, I feel like I know the reality of what's happening. I'm driving, or I'm working, or I'm running, or I'm with family, or I'm on the farm working/playing with the animals. Naturally - and normally - I do not think about it, I'm just doing it. I start to think about it, mainly when others notice, and make note. For example, someone visiting us might state, "This is so much work, the farm, and working a regular job, too". My reality is that I don't really think about it too much, I just do it - because I love doing it. But the perception was, "This seems like a lot to take care of". And what I realize is, that sometimes others can't fathom it, and can't put all the pieces of the puzzle together, that so easily fits together for me. But, when I really and truly put some extra thought in it, they are right. It's a lot.
Even when times are settled, and no animal is in crisis, the pasture is mowed, everyone is fed and things are all in place, there's a never ending list of things left to do. This list gets done by way of priority. What's next, what's really needed now, and what's zoomed up the priority list that wasn't there before? As I was out feeding the animals this morning, I looked around, and made my ever-changing mental list of things to do. The donkeys need their Pour-On Fly repellant on them. I see flies on and near their legs. I need to muck the sheep and the goats areas in their respective barns, as those areas attracts flies. I need to "fluff" the chicken area and shovel out some poo that accumulates where they sleep/roost at night. Oh yeah, I need to get the front gate area mowed, as it's getting too high, and that's the hardest area to mow because of the ground levels, culvert/water, and need for two different mowers to be used to finish it. I need to get our temporary fencing put up, in some sort of storage fashion (behind the barn?) because we have finally finished having a permanent fence placed there. I really need to have the entire pasture(s) sprayed with weed control, and try to nurture the grass a little more (down the priority list, but still shows up in my head). I need to set the guard pups food dishes - with screws - into the fence because they eat, then carry them off into their pasture to chew on them. Every time. Despite that they have bones and chew toys readily available. I need to check one of the cats tails, whose hurt, to make sure she's doing okay. I need to get ready for the sheep shearer's arrival soon. I literally could go on and on. But this is what people do - all of us - in our everyday lives. Mine is a farm, yours is a house full of teenagers. Mine is pasture management, yours is fixing up the house and getting the kids to their sports/games/activities. We all have a myriad of things happening.
The story I tell myself is, "l'll do these things tonight, these others things tomorrow, and the rest this weekend". Knowing full well, that there's no way in H E doubleL that I can do all that in that timeframe. But 'my story' makes me feel better. It calms me, although not fully accurate in its content. It's calming. I love the stories I make up in my head. My stories protect me, and help me keep my life in order - or at least that's the story I'm telling myself.
I do tend to reality-check my story sometimes. Let's say something not-good happens at work, and I'm feeling very responsible and bad about myself. The story I make up is usually one that comforts me. And then I look to others to reality-check my stories, confirm them, and see exactly what part is reality - and what is perception. Mostly, I look for empathy and understanding. Recently, thanks to a Podcast on The Goop with Gwyneth Paltrow and Brene Brown, I begin to use a new technique (new to me), along with Lauren, whose also listened to that said Podcast. It's really just a different way of reframing how we communicate. So far so good. More on that in a minute......
The PodCast was based around the Root of Shame, Courage and Vulnerability. If you have an extra 1 hr and 6 minutes, you may consider listening to it. Of course, I LOVE Brene Brown! Her research on shame and vulnerability has reached inside me to bring out things I don't want to feel, and quite frankly, didn't know how to process. I'm now able to rethink things in a different context. Especially regarding shame and vulnerability. I wished I had this framework when I was in my 20's. It would have helped me out - tremendously. I'd like to think this has allowed me to hop on the Self Awareness train. Granted, I only ride this train sometimes, as I forget it's there at times. It has increased my emotional bandwidth, and allows me to bring the stories I tell myself to the surface, and express them in a way that others can receive safely.
So, I decided to try out my new framework, and Lauren was my subject. When I began the conversation with, "The story I'm telling myself is blah blah blah.....", Lauren immediately knew what  - and how - I was trying to express a recent event. I reviewed with her "my story" and how I was seeing it. She, in turn, shared "her story" and how she saw that same event. As we each told our stories to each other, we found a gentle and expressive way to get our information communicated to one another. Turns out, I misunderstood what she had said, and she was able to clarify. It worked wonderfully, and allowed us to minimize a conversation that really only needed a touch more navigation.
Since that example, it's encouraged me to try and use that method more often. I can see it reducing unnecessary conflict and having a discussion in a welcoming manner. David and I begin to use it, but in a different fashion. We refer to it as times we may need to "change the record" we are playing in our head, and put a new one on. I've still got some work to do on it all. For me, it's about creating a new habit of how to begin a conversation. That goes back to being self aware, thinking how I might phrase something, before I just blurt it out. I'm not exactly "wired for pause". When it comes to Reactive vs Responsible responses, I'm the Queen of Reactive. If I was wired for pause (which I've met those people), I would breathe, ask a question to gather more information, and slowly create an answer while thinking through it. Yeah, I've got some work to do on that front. Practicing to lead from the heart, rather than leading from fear is tough. Add that to my list of things I need to do (see above).
So while I work my list of things to do around the farm, I work my list - of me. My cracks, my broken pieces, my silly thoughts and silly self are all a part of the beautiful broken me. I tease that my Sugar JuJu (adopted, adult, 4 lb MaltiPoo) is about as broken as they come. Her first phase of life was likely not all that great. But her broken self is turning into joy  - for us all. She is an example of how to keep living life, adapting and loving. I've had a blessed life, and the flaws I work on are for me, because I want to be a better me. And I can see where work needs to be done, no doubt. I recently listened to the book, Everybody Always by Bob Goff. Loving everybody always, as Jesus did, is something this man lives, celebrates and teaches. His Love Does work is absolutely beyond words. The first time I listened to his book I was basically unable to grasp his words. Listening again brought me closer to understanding. His outlook on life inspires me to love all, and to practice by starting to love those that are hardest to love. It's a wake up call and reminder for me - all at the same time.
The story I'm telling myself is that beautiful hearts don't always happen. Sometimes they need to be made. All hearts need love. I always appreciate beautiful hearts, energy that's kind and positive, and modest, compassionate souls. But Jesus showed us to love everyone, always. By His example, by His words, I strive to be more.

"Write what you need to read". Where did I see that lately? Or did I hear it somewhere? But it's been sitting inside me, as I mull that concept over. I learn so much from other's written words. People who have this insane ability to speak directly to our hearts, and allow us to restructure, reframe and get a chance to redo some things in our lives. How fortunate and how grateful my heart is to be able to receive the words of others. And in return, I have the privilege of writing my own words down. It doesn't get better than that.
Now, back to that list.....did I mention that I learned the difference between a To-Do list and a Check List recently?
That's for next time,
Cyndi