The puzzle that is Me

It's taken many years, various events, and copious thought processes that bring me to a final conclusion of why I'm so attracted to the notion of having less, wanting less, and desiring less. Less feels like more to me. I find when I'm out and about shopping, my thoughts are: I need to discard something, before a new item is brought into the house. It's been a circus-like journey in my own mind, to reach this point of most probable, no return. It all started (cue the dream sequence music)....
Once Upon A Time, there was a skinny, little curly red-headed, willowy girl who had a lost soul. She tried to find it, looking while at church, at home, at school, from family, from friends, but never could seem to locate her soul. Physical and material things would pacify her for only short periods of time, and seemed fulfilling, but only provided short term satiety. She grew up from hard working parents who taught her a strong work ethic and the importance of education. Still, an empty soul. Many tried to guide her, but never able to tap into her true needs. If only she knew to look inward, and not outward for what she was looking for.
Fast forward to a marriage, a beautiful baby girl, a lovely new house. Somehow, with a lost soul, she felt un-deserving. Less than. She kept that feeling inside, although she was sure others knew and could "see" her soul was lost. Uncomfortable, she kept moving on.
As age descended upon her, the red-headed lady began to evolve, and not just exist. She finally did look inward (God is truly patient), to see if she could survey this desire to be better, be more and do more. Dream, then realize her dreams. Not just dream. She needed to wander and learn. She needed to feel what being herself felt like, not what others wanted her to be. She wanted to start discarding the physical things that once made her superficially happy. Less felt better than more. She wanted to do things that always sounded crazy to others, but normal to her. And so she began. The pilgrimage was long, and still continues to this day. It's a trek that has infinity as it's parameters. Her migration from lost to found slowly became apparent to her. It took most all her life to get there, and there's still many places to go, picking up the pebbles of her soul along the way. There is no The End, as she feeds her soul every day, doing the best she can do that day. Looking though a lens that seems clearer and more beautiful than ever before. She now feeds her soul, and wants to share this same feeling with others.
It's a recipe that is different for us all. 1 heaping cup of self compassion, a pad of Permission Slips to be written to ourselves, generous helpings of forgiveness, unlimited empathy, and most of all self-love so we can give our love away to others. That happens to be my recipe, with sprinkles of non-attachment, dabs of confidence to be authentic, and a constant stream of vulnerability so that I can continue to grow.
As I age, I just want to roam. Not intentional travel. Just roam. It's like having an understanding why homeless people like to be homeless. They get to roam. I've come to accept my roaming will be "controlled" roaming. Like running a new route and looking at everything around me. Noticing new things on old routes. Biking to new towns around me, seeing how other people live and what their recipes are in life. There's so much more to this thing called earth, and although I only plant my feet on a minuscule portion of it, I adore what I'm given. I'll take it, happily. The freedom to roam is like winning the lottery 100 times over, and not having to worry about what to do with all that money.
My most cherished possessions are the living beings all around me. At the farm esp, as my love for my animals feels like an exploding piñata each time I see, pet, touch or care for them. It's sheer joy. The true definition of joy for me. But this applies across the board at work, at home, with family, with friends, and with people around me I don't even know. They are living the same life as I am, but with a different recipe, that taste just as good, if not better, than mine.
This Year of Know is like having a light bulb turned on. Things are bright, clear and easier to see, when the intention is set to do so. It's a time of not only what's important to me, but listening and watching what's important to the people around me. God has me on His track of moving through these seasons of my life, and feeling what it is He has next for me. I'm just trying to keep up.
Have you read the book, The Year of Yes, by Shonda Rhines? It's kind of like it really should be titled The Year of No, instead. Because I found her "yes's" include a lot of boundary setting, which is kind of like saying no. While reading her book, it becomes easy to characterize ourselves as an introvert or extrovert, as the reason we do things, or not do things. Just the same, her focus is to encourage us to "dance it out, and stand in the sun". Who doesn't want to do that? The encouragement from her own life may be very different than mine, but her point is well taken. And I recently re-read Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki. Every time I listen to this book, I hear something new (I guess like I do with most books I re-read!). By biggest take-away from this book was: The things you own, end up owning you. He poses the notion that the the less you have (material possessions), the more freedom you have to go wherever you want, with a minimal amount of chores, as well. What a basic and profound statement. I enjoy that book because it's a nice reminder as to why I might want to go buy things to make myself feel better, but it really is a short lived feeling. The author places much of people’s unhappiness due to the burden of our things. Then, after the third (or fourth) listen to How's Your Soul recently, did it finally hit me that I had been searching for mine so long, in all the wrong places. That book could easily be titled, "Reminders for Cyndi Graves".
My all-time favorite author, Brene Brown is the one who encourages me to be vulnerable, rise strong, and dare greatly. Writing a blog like this one is hard, because I want to delete it after I've written it. Sometimes my feelings are raw, and I'm afraid to say what's inside me. But that's not being vulnerable, and putting my truest self out there if I delete what I write. After all, it's coming from my heart, and that's the life I'm trying to lead. I'm trying to be my own person, but the fear in doing so is the challenge I face - and accept. So as this little red-headed girl has grown up, searched her soul, and grown in so many ways, I too have the opportunity to tell others my story. That way when other's are searching for their soul, I can assure them they will find it.
Along my own trek, I have been blessed to have a daughter who has published my writings, and placed them wonderfully, in a book of my own. As a published author, I feel honored to share my words with others. Even though I'm in the "final" editing phase, my first copy is out and titled: "crossing". I found myself out on US60, wandering the land, living life on the side of the road, looking for me. I'm now able to share my experience with others. Thank you, Lauren, for all your hard work in getting my (our) book published. It means more than words can ever say.

As the barn animals baa, hee-haw and cluck to be fed, I'll close for now. They are truly cherished beings I have, who trust me to always care for them. I need them, as they need me.

Time for my barn therapy,

Cyndi