My Heart

 

WARNING: This part contains lots of grandchildren lore, and through it all I've learned that the loudest person wins and logic doesn't matter.

Most people would say children are a gift. I know I do. We watch and participate in their growth and development - mentally, physically and emotionally. The ups and downs are many, yet ultimately there seems to be no greater gift we receive in our lives. Nor any greater challenge by which we all do our best to raise our kiddos with the most capacity we have to offer. There's no perfect upbringing even though we think we desire that for our children. We try, and sometimes all we got left in a day is trying to try. Yet, our desire for goodness for our children is universal and never-ending. 

Then sometimes, we are gifted grandchildren. This is taking it up a notch. It's a kind of love that words cannot describe. I can try though. It's an unconditional, undying, serendipitous, wholehearted-kind-of-love. Truly a love like no other. Almost like an ache in your heart that tells you that you could not possibly love anyone else more. You're at maximum love capability. That's what my grandchildren are to me. Pure joy and unabated love. 

And with that said, Brooks turned 4 recently. And it was wonderful celebrating him and watching him put every candle possible on his piece of cake. 

Happy 4th Birthday, Brooks! 🎂
You can have all the candles.

And for his birthday, he got a new tractor.....

He loves putting all kinds of things in the 
trailer like acorns, rocks, dirt and well,
anything.

When Brooks isn't looking, lil sis gets on.

Ahhh life is fun with these two sweet peas. Never a dull moment. 

Esp when a trampoline is involved. 

Besides riding his tractor, his next newest fav thing is jumping on this newly-gifted-to-me trampoline which made another wonderful birthday gift for Brooks. (Thank you, Dr Booth!) When Brooks and I have been to Dr Booth's house, his favorite thing to do was jump on this in their playroom (yes inside their house). And when the time came for her to get rid of it, it landed with us and I appreciate her thinking of us for it - and for her husband coming over to put it together. I picked the location of the garage so that it never flies away in the wind. I hate creating extra work for myself and keeping it outside just seemed like a bad idea. So here we are - in the garage with it. Brooks loves it. Olive does not. I will say it has the potential to expend a large amount of energy and ensure a good night's sleep. 

The joy of having them over these days looks very different than before. When they come over, time flies and I can't figure out where it goes. Brooks tries to fit in all the things he wants to do and lately his number 1 thing is actually feeding the animals in the barn, which has always been his first love. Sometimes I think he misses that as it was a big part of what he and I did together most days. If ever something happens to me, I always say, just ask Brooks what to do. He'll know which animals need what and when. 

He knows to spread the chicken scratch out so that all the chickens have an opportunity to get some. And he knows they love it. 💟

He knows just how much to give Dora and Hope

And he knows which water buckets need filling. Sadly, there seems very little time left I get to say to him (as he holds the water hose ready) and waits for me to say, "Fireman, Water On?" and he hollers an astounding "Yes!" And then and only then do I turn the water on. We do that same thing to turn the water off. I ask the Fireman if the water buckets are full and if it's time to turn the water to turn off. He hollers loudly above all the chicken cackling and sternly says, "Yes, water off!". And just for the record, he's the fireman and I'm the helper. 

Ugh. My heart. Why can't that be forever we do that. My hope is that one day, many moons and sleeps from now, that he can look back at this and see himself in these photos and videos and know how much he means to us all and how much he is loved. He's going to make a great Fireman someday though. 

And Lil Olive, well she's certainly a delight and a tiny human who knows what she wants. And I love that for her. She'll be giving her parents a run for their money around age 14 is what I'm guessing, if not sooner. She's my favorite tiny human whose 1 year old self is full of zest, personality and love. I'm lucky to be counted as one of her favorite peeps. ** Also as a side note if anyones interested, she's a chicken lady in the making. Just saying. 

And who doesn't love a clown tattoo, amiright? 

Let's get to it

Yesterday, my oncologist from MD Anderson and I had a phone visit as a follow up for my bone marrow biopsy results. This guy. Dr Pemmaraju. He's fun, knowledgable, and shoots straight about cancer. He let me know the good news first, that the rule-outs for leukemia and multiple myeloma are negative at this time. That's wonderful because I am not interested in more cancer treatments, thank you. He did let me know at my last visit that these two cancers can be commonplace to a patient with PV, over time. Okay, got it. Check. I know this is good news that I do not have these and most grateful for this news. 

Dr Pemmaraju was also checking the bone marrow biopsy for my own blood cancer's (PV) progression - and reported to me that my cancer has progressed according to the bone marrow biopsy results. Instead of just being PV (polycythemia vera) it's now categorized as PVMF1. Polycythemia Vera with Myelofibrosis 1. Myelofibrosis is known in the cancer industry as MF. I now have a new label: MF1 added to my PV. PVMF1. That's their terminology anyway. I'm then told there's 5 levels of MF and I'm in stage 1. At stage 2, I could qualify for a stem cell transplant, so he tells me. The progression of PV and MF is different for everyone so he has no set timeline for me, but that with time, it's likely to move forward to PVMF2. We just don't know when or how long. So I am now to come see him every 6 months (instead of once a year). And just for the record, I'm supposed to call my big sis when it's stem cell transplant time. She raised her hand immediately and I am most grateful for the possible contribution she's willing to make for me. 

I have to giggle because when I said to my oncologist, something to the effect of 'since I have PV....' he stopped me immediately and said, "You don't have PV, you now have PVMF1". YET, when he was in the middle of this sentence, I thought he was telling me I didn't have PV! Yeah, my brain went there.....until he finished his sentence and I realized what he was really telling me. You now have more than just PV. Your cancer is indeed progressing. Me secretly thinking.....I've known it would. It's all a matter of time. That's my life. A matter of time. And for me to think for that split second when he interrupted me and said 'you don't have PV' was a split second I thought it had all vanished. Then he finished his sentence. It's more than that now. Wishful thoughts, that silly brain of mine. Some things you can't wish away.

I'm not alone in this

Having a progressive disease is not on the wheel of fortune that people would pick when the wheel is spun. Yet, my dad has also been gifted with a progressive disease: dementia. And I love his transparency with it. He's open and upfront about it and that in itself teaches me to also be upfront and open about my own progressive disease. Parents show us the way. How to be. And when it comes to this, Dad, you are showing me with your candor about dementia that it's okay to speak our truth about what is happening with our bodies and minds. 

And to bring light and love to the topic of Dementia and Alzheimer's, I recently participated in an Alzheimer's Walk at Pecan Grove Park in Sherman. It was sponsored by the Alzheimer's Association. My line-dancing girlfriend, Carla (and her boo, Jud) had organized a team and together with myself, Anne, and Jolene (and a few other folks) - we walked. I held a yellow flower along the walk in honor of my dad's dementia journey. 

A yellow flower for Dad

This event was touching, and they did such a wonderful job there with it all. It was a beautiful day with a beautiful ceremony prior to the start of the walk and it brings about awareness of such an important topic. And there's no one I'd rather walk this walk with besides these girlfriends of mine.

My girls, Anne, Carla and Jolene 😍

I know this journey of dementia and alzheimers is not easy for anyone involved in it, nor is it easy for my dad and mom. Yet, dad is showing how it's done with grace and dignity.  

It's times like these on days like this that I see how God has been busy leading me to this new path in life. I'm here for it. Friends have been a big part of it all. We lift each other up and also hug long when any of us needs it. When my white blood cell count got down to 3.2 recently, and I become highly vulnerable to bad things happening/infection (and when I think about it, a farm may not actually be the best place for an immunocompromised person, silly me) I did end up in the ER with colitis again this past week. It's part of the package with a blood cancer, this dance I do with being immunocompromised and intermittently having a low WBC and unable to fight infection. When I was back at work after that, a fellow nurse/friend was checking in on me and the way she stared into my eyes with her caring soul actually had me tear up. A happy cry I told her. She cares so much and was so concerned that I could feel it viscerally. Talking to you, Amber. I'm so fortunate to have such wonderful friends with whom we all would do anything for one another. You too, Sara. And you, Sweet Morghan. And Becky. And Cindy. And Pam. And Kenya. And. And. And. Love you all. Esp my C3-ers who have been with me from Day 1. Brooke and Kim. You guys know me better than I know myself and are my North Stars and my fellow farm fans from afar. Love and appreciate you guys more than you know as I know you are always there. 

Farm Life Barn Life

My heart is full. My barn is full. My ~135 chickens are also a huge part of my heart. I remember a day when I thought 30 chickens were the most anybody would or should ever have. That was where the line of crazy started, 30 chickens. I think they meant 130 chickens. Now this is a lot of chickens and I absolutely would have it no other way.

Can you ever have too many chickens? No. Duh.
Just FYI, there's no person detected, just chickens.

And Little Emerald is as cute as can be. She's doing wonderful! Her love for love, day in and day out reminds me to stay open to love. Never too much love, right Emmie.

As adorable as she is on the outside,
her soul is so very special.
She's the sweetest thing ever 💘

And then there's Penny and Dutch who turned 3 years old. They are truly the best livestock guard dogs and are really just great dogs overall. Penny's abdominal cyst has settled down with 2 rounds of antibiotics and I'm most grateful that a big surgery is off the table for her, for now. She's feeling soooo much better.

I love that they get to relax and sun a bit during the day,
because at night, they are bada$$ doggos that keep the 
farm animals alive. Every night 💪 Thank you both

 

There were well trained by Levi and Whisper who are still kicking it too, every night. These 2 sets of brother/sister duos are great teams who work together and continue to keep predators at bay. Simply amazing, they all are.

Paul The Turkey is doing well, even though he is in full molt right now and not able to shake his tail feathers because they are g.o.n.e gone. We both know they'll be back even more beautiful than before, Paul. Love you. You live inside a piece of my heart where I never knew a turkey could live. But you, my friend do. Please never leave me.

Dora is graying above her eyes. So is Maybe and has been for some time. Poppy The Donkey (Pippa is Emerald's mama) is over the hill and on the other side. Frankie, one of my original satin silkies is now living a lifestyle all her own (due to her age) as she's in her own assisted living arrangement which now exist on the back porch and small yard readily available. She deserves that. I don't want any big girl chickens bothering my aging little bantum girl. And it wasn't all that long ago that Lauren said something very profound about all my aging farm animals. She said, "Mom, everyone gets old around here but no one dies". That's right, my little LoLo. No one is allowed to die around here. We all stay here forever. This is my heaven.

Age comes for us all,

Cyndi