My Heart

 

WARNING: This part contains lots of grandchildren lore, and through it all I've learned that the loudest person wins and logic doesn't matter.

Most people would say children are a gift. I know I do. We watch and participate in their growth and development - mentally, physically and emotionally. The ups and downs are many, yet ultimately there seems to be no greater gift we receive in our lives. Nor any greater challenge by which we all do our best to raise our kiddos with the most capacity we have to offer. There's no perfect upbringing even though we think we desire that for our children. We try, and sometimes all we got left in a day is trying to try. Yet, our desire for goodness for our children is universal and never-ending. 

Then sometimes, we are gifted grandchildren. This is taking it up a notch. It's a kind of love that words cannot describe. I can try though. It's an unconditional, undying, serendipitous, wholehearted-kind-of-love. Truly a love like no other. Almost like an ache in your heart that tells you that you could not possibly love anyone else more. You're at maximum love capability. That's what my grandchildren are to me. Pure joy and unabated love. 

And with that said, Brooks turned 4 recently. And it was wonderful celebrating him and watching him put every candle possible on his piece of cake. 

Happy 4th Birthday, Brooks! 🎂
You can have all the candles.

And for his birthday, he got a new tractor.....

He loves putting all kinds of things in the 
trailer like acorns, rocks, dirt and well,
anything.

When Brooks isn't looking, lil sis gets on.

Ahhh life is fun with these two sweet peas. Never a dull moment. 

Esp when a trampoline is involved. 

Besides riding his tractor, his next newest fav thing is jumping on this newly-gifted-to-me trampoline which made another wonderful birthday gift for Brooks. (Thank you, Dr Booth!) When Brooks and I have been to Dr Booth's house, his favorite thing to do was jump on this in their playroom (yes inside their house). And when the time came for her to get rid of it, it landed with us and I appreciate her thinking of us for it - and for her husband coming over to put it together. I picked the location of the garage so that it never flies away in the wind. I hate creating extra work for myself and keeping it outside just seemed like a bad idea. So here we are - in the garage with it. Brooks loves it. Olive does not. I will say it has the potential to expend a large amount of energy and ensure a good night's sleep. 

The joy of having them over these days looks very different than before. When they come over, time flies and I can't figure out where it goes. Brooks tries to fit in all the things he wants to do and lately his number 1 thing is actually feeding the animals in the barn, which has always been his first love. Sometimes I think he misses that as it was a big part of what he and I did together most days. If ever something happens to me, I always say, just ask Brooks what to do. He'll know which animals need what and when. 

He knows to spread the chicken scratch out so that all the chickens have an opportunity to get some. And he knows they love it. 💟

He knows just how much to give Dora and Hope

And he knows which water buckets need filling. Sadly, there seems very little time left I get to say to him (as he holds the water hose ready) and waits for me to say, "Fireman, Water On?" and he hollers an astounding "Yes!" And then and only then do I turn the water on. We do that same thing to turn the water off. I ask the Fireman if the water buckets are full and if it's time to turn the water to turn off. He hollers loudly above all the chicken cackling and sternly says, "Yes, water off!". And just for the record, he's the fireman and I'm the helper. 

Ugh. My heart. Why can't that be forever we do that. My hope is that one day, many moons and sleeps from now, that he can look back at this and see himself in these photos and videos and know how much he means to us all and how much he is loved. He's going to make a great Fireman someday though. 

And Lil Olive, well she's certainly a delight and a tiny human who knows what she wants. And I love that for her. She'll be giving her parents a run for their money around age 14 is what I'm guessing, if not sooner. She's my favorite tiny human whose 1 year old self is full of zest, personality and love. I'm lucky to be counted as one of her favorite peeps. ** Also as a side note if anyones interested, she's a chicken lady in the making. Just saying. 

And who doesn't love a clown tattoo, amiright? 

Let's get to it

Yesterday, my oncologist from MD Anderson and I had a phone visit as a follow up for my bone marrow biopsy results. This guy. Dr Pemmaraju. He's fun, knowledgable, and shoots straight about cancer. He let me know the good news first, that the rule-outs for leukemia and multiple myeloma are negative at this time. That's wonderful because I am not interested in more cancer treatments, thank you. He did let me know at my last visit that these two cancers can be commonplace to a patient with PV, over time. Okay, got it. Check. I know this is good news that I do not have these and most grateful for this news. 

Dr Pemmaraju was also checking the bone marrow biopsy for my own blood cancer's (PV) progression - and reported to me that my cancer has progressed according to the bone marrow biopsy results. Instead of just being PV (polycythemia vera) it's now categorized as PVMF1. Polycythemia Vera with Myelofibrosis 1. Myelofibrosis is known in the cancer industry as MF. I now have a new label: MF1 added to my PV. PVMF1. That's their terminology anyway. I'm then told there's 5 levels of MF and I'm in stage 1. At stage 2, I could qualify for a stem cell transplant, so he tells me. The progression of PV and MF is different for everyone so he has no set timeline for me, but that with time, it's likely to move forward to PVMF2. We just don't know when or how long. So I am now to come see him every 6 months (instead of once a year). And just for the record, I'm supposed to call my big sis when it's stem cell transplant time. She raised her hand immediately and I am most grateful for the possible contribution she's willing to make for me. 

I have to giggle because when I said to my oncologist, something to the effect of 'since I have PV....' he stopped me immediately and said, "You don't have PV, you now have PVMF1". YET, when he was in the middle of this sentence, I thought he was telling me I didn't have PV! Yeah, my brain went there.....until he finished his sentence and I realized what he was really telling me. You now have more than just PV. Your cancer is indeed progressing. Me secretly thinking.....I've known it would. It's all a matter of time. That's my life. A matter of time. And for me to think for that split second when he interrupted me and said 'you don't have PV' was a split second I thought it had all vanished. Then he finished his sentence. It's more than that now. Wishful thoughts, that silly brain of mine. Some things you can't wish away.

I'm not alone in this

Having a progressive disease is not on the wheel of fortune that people would pick when the wheel is spun. Yet, my dad has also been gifted with a progressive disease: dementia. And I love his transparency with it. He's open and upfront about it and that in itself teaches me to also be upfront and open about my own progressive disease. Parents show us the way. How to be. And when it comes to this, Dad, you are showing me with your candor about dementia that it's okay to speak our truth about what is happening with our bodies and minds. 

And to bring light and love to the topic of Dementia and Alzheimer's, I recently participated in an Alzheimer's Walk at Pecan Grove Park in Sherman. It was sponsored by the Alzheimer's Association. My line-dancing girlfriend, Carla (and her boo, Jud) had organized a team and together with myself, Anne, and Jolene (and a few other folks) - we walked. I held a yellow flower along the walk in honor of my dad's dementia journey. 

A yellow flower for Dad

This event was touching, and they did such a wonderful job there with it all. It was a beautiful day with a beautiful ceremony prior to the start of the walk and it brings about awareness of such an important topic. And there's no one I'd rather walk this walk with besides these girlfriends of mine.

My girls, Anne, Carla and Jolene 😍

I know this journey of dementia and alzheimers is not easy for anyone involved in it, nor is it easy for my dad and mom. Yet, dad is showing how it's done with grace and dignity.  

It's times like these on days like this that I see how God has been busy leading me to this new path in life. I'm here for it. Friends have been a big part of it all. We lift each other up and also hug long when any of us needs it. When my white blood cell count got down to 3.2 recently, and I become highly vulnerable to bad things happening/infection (and when I think about it, a farm may not actually be the best place for an immunocompromised person, silly me) I did end up in the ER with colitis again this past week. It's part of the package with a blood cancer, this dance I do with being immunocompromised and intermittently having a low WBC and unable to fight infection. When I was back at work after that, a fellow nurse/friend was checking in on me and the way she stared into my eyes with her caring soul actually had me tear up. A happy cry I told her. She cares so much and was so concerned that I could feel it viscerally. Talking to you, Amber. I'm so fortunate to have such wonderful friends with whom we all would do anything for one another. You too, Sara. And you, Sweet Morghan. And Becky. And Cindy. And Pam. And Kenya. And. And. And. Love you all. Esp my C3-ers who have been with me from Day 1. Brooke and Kim. You guys know me better than I know myself and are my North Stars and my fellow farm fans from afar. Love and appreciate you guys more than you know as I know you are always there. 

Farm Life Barn Life

My heart is full. My barn is full. My ~135 chickens are also a huge part of my heart. I remember a day when I thought 30 chickens were the most anybody would or should ever have. That was where the line of crazy started, 30 chickens. I think they meant 130 chickens. Now this is a lot of chickens and I absolutely would have it no other way.

Can you ever have too many chickens? No. Duh.
Just FYI, there's no person detected, just chickens.

And Little Emerald is as cute as can be. She's doing wonderful! Her love for love, day in and day out reminds me to stay open to love. Never too much love, right Emmie.

As adorable as she is on the outside,
her soul is so very special.
She's the sweetest thing ever 💘

And then there's Penny and Dutch who turned 3 years old. They are truly the best livestock guard dogs and are really just great dogs overall. Penny's abdominal cyst has settled down with 2 rounds of antibiotics and I'm most grateful that a big surgery is off the table for her, for now. She's feeling soooo much better.

I love that they get to relax and sun a bit during the day,
because at night, they are bada$$ doggos that keep the 
farm animals alive. Every night 💪 Thank you both

 

There were well trained by Levi and Whisper who are still kicking it too, every night. These 2 sets of brother/sister duos are great teams who work together and continue to keep predators at bay. Simply amazing, they all are.

Paul The Turkey is doing well, even though he is in full molt right now and not able to shake his tail feathers because they are g.o.n.e gone. We both know they'll be back even more beautiful than before, Paul. Love you. You live inside a piece of my heart where I never knew a turkey could live. But you, my friend do. Please never leave me.

Dora is graying above her eyes. So is Maybe and has been for some time. Poppy The Donkey (Pippa is Emerald's mama) is over the hill and on the other side. Frankie, one of my original satin silkies is now living a lifestyle all her own (due to her age) as she's in her own assisted living arrangement which now exist on the back porch and small yard readily available. She deserves that. I don't want any big girl chickens bothering my aging little bantum girl. And it wasn't all that long ago that Lauren said something very profound about all my aging farm animals. She said, "Mom, everyone gets old around here but no one dies". That's right, my little LoLo. No one is allowed to die around here. We all stay here forever. This is my heaven.

Age comes for us all,

Cyndi

Home Sweet Home

 

Bee Real Now

So my bees are happy in their hive-home. So happy that my Beekeeper, Katie added a 'super' (as it's called in the bee world) on top of their hive which is like adding a second story to your house. It gives the girls more room to do things like drawing out more honey comb, adding more eggs and larvae and capping brood. Then, her goal is to split the (large) hive into 2 hives early next year and add a queen to the second hive she creates. 

This is a wonderful thing because 1) it's less costly as you're growing your own bees and hives, and 2) there's really only a queen to purchase and sometimes you can even hatch your own queen. It's more organic and uses nature and the bees natural instincts to grow the bee community. Yes, there's a cost to having a beekeeper, but then again, the cost to not have a beekeeper would be much more for me. AND my sting rate would definitely increase. 

Sting rate? Yeah, no one likes to get stung by a bee, and myself included. But let me tell you a little story about a recent bee sting event I had.......

It all started with Beekeeper Katie calling to ask if she could come care for her weekly bee visit in the evening rather than during the day. When she comes during the daytime, she just shows up, does her bee thing, then leaves. It's a come and go that I don't worry with. 

She’s a very considerate person and asked if the evening visit was okay and she would come on over if it was. This was last Monday evening and I had no problem with that at all, so over she came to care for the bees. It was about an hour before dusk and all the forgers were back in the hive. The bee guards were on duty as their job is to guard the entrance into the hive. (I know the bee rules of feeding and doing things with the hive - and it's best to do so while the bees are out foraging during the day, as that's definitely less disruptive for the hive). 

So what happened was is that Katie came back up to the house (from the back pasture where my hives are located) and brought with her MANY mad bees circling around her in her bee suit. I noticed this as I was in the garage. I could hear them - and could see how many there were. They. were. mad.

Yet, Katie wanted to talk to me from across the drive about a couple of bee things, and when the angry bees saw me, they raced over to me and BOOM. They got me over and over, primarily in my left hand as well as the side of my left face. Not sure why they focused on my left hand but probably because I was swatting at them and what bees do is charge right back once you swat them away because you've just made them even madder. AND once a bee stings you, it creates a pheromone that signals the others bees to also sting. 

I'm in full panic now. And in a matter of moments, it was over. Katie continued to stay back, and eventually got in her truck and left as we said bye (quickly). 

I knew I was in trouble but just not sure how much. Time would tell. First though, I needed to try and get the stingers out. 

Getting the bee's stingers out is paramount for future healing. If the stinger stays, it continues to let out the toxins slowly until the stinger comes out. The general rule for extracting a stinger is not tweezers but a item such a a credit card that you swipe across your skin. Tweezers just cuts the stinger and leaves the toxic part inside you. The swiping of a credit card pushes out the stinger all in one piece. So they say.

So I did this. But it was hard to tell how many times I had actually been stung. But I kept at it. Then I took some Benadryl to try and decrease the histamine effect and I put hydrocortisone cream on the area - and headed to bed. 

Things progressed with the bee sting process as bee stings do. The biggest problem was my hand begin to swell. There was not enough ibuprofen to keep the swelling under control. The next day, it was going up my arm. The next day, it was my hand, my arm and my armpit and even heading down under/below my armpit. I sought help and was seen immediately in the ER I visited in Anna.  They were amazing! The ER dr took care of me quickly and thoroughly. These things can be bad. 

Needless to say, they gave me an epi pen. They gave me a rocephin shot (antibiotic), a steroid shot and a 7 day regimen of Bactrim (antibiotics) to help with the cellulitis that developed from the bee sting toxins. 

It was 2 nights I did not sleep with this silly business going on. I rode the struggle bus at work for those days. I even had a co-worker look under the microscope at my hand to check and see if all the stingers were out. She pulled out 1 remaining one. Thankfully, after the ER visit, I turned a corner and got better. 

Y'all. Bee stings are no joke. I've had several thus far since I've gotten my bees, but this was by far the worse experience. I had so many stings that my tongue was tingly and that means bad things could happen. Which is what the epi pen is for. 

Luckily, all is well now but it was certainly a week to remember. When Katie came to visit the bees today (for her weekly visit, during the day mind you) she said she made sure to smoke the bees extra so not to have the bees follow her back up to the house. Smoke calms the bees and disorients them. Smoke is a magical thing with bees. Yes, I have a smoker too (thank you, Gina and Ed!).

Ooooof. So many things to consider and do with bees. But I'm it to win it. I'm gonna get my 6 hives in the 'building period' of 5 years (per Grayson County Ag Dept) and file for my ag exemption if it kills me. And it might. Yet, the upside is in the long run, it could save me close to $9,000 a year in taxes. What's a few bee stings, right?

Little Emerald

She's the absolute best! 💕💗💕

Sweetest baby donkey ever

This is my first baby donkey and what I can tell you is that she has the sweetest temperament. She loves to be loved. She loves to be hugged and petted. She follows me around like a puppy dog and nudges my leg to remind me she's still there awaiting more attention. It's never enough attention. Emerald has definitely imprinted with me. She's bonded with not only me, but with Brooks as well.

This girl

I'm telling you I've not seen anything like her and I've had many farm animals in this past (over) 8 years now. She would come live in the house if I would let her. So would Paul The Turkey among other various attached animals I have, but Emerald would be the one I would let do it. Okay, I won't. But I'm tempted to. Her mama, Pippa would miss her.

These 3 are bonded strong. 

God continues to bless me. I know you know that one of my favoritest things to do is care for my farm animals. It's the easiest thing I do in my life. A true labor of love. It's like being on vacation every day. This new life of mine is a healing journey for my 60 year old self and my 12 year old self, of which no one is cheering for me louder than the 12 year old self I used to be. 

And the farm animals are there for me day in and day out. They never waiver. They know what I need sometimes more than I know what I need. So much unconditional love even if some of it is food-based. I know you love me, Mag Pie and Wilbur. Don't act like you don't. Yes, Wilbur still rolls over for piggie belly rubs. 

Can't leave out Paul The Turkey, 
as I did mention him after all.

This is what I aspire to for my own retirement one day.
Literally sitting out in the yard, watching the 
world go by. Paul is showing me the way.

Are you alone? 

So many feelings. 

My divorce is less than a year ago. And I've had the blessing of not being alone. I've had love and light around me this whole time. I've been well supported by family and friends - and a family in my home.

But now they are gone. Lauren and her family moved out last Saturday. They took my babies, Brooks and Olive with them. And I have so many feelings. Feelings that I'm dedicated to feeling. 

These feelings are not only related to the (physical) separation I now have with Lauren and her family - but with the idea that I am now officially "on my own". And the feelings of being in my house with me, myself and I are bringing up new feelings that have been hibernating. I'm my own self, with my own house with feelings about what it feels like to be divorced and on my own. These have been delayed due to my prior living situation in my home and now these feelings are arising. So I'm here for them. I'm going to feel each and every one of them. With no distractions such as people, Netflix or nothing will be used to distract me from feeling the feelings I'm feeling. I'm gonna feel them all, every last one of them whether they are easy or hard feelings. That's how I'm getting through.

I've learned through therapy that when I chose to feel the hard feelings, I can sit with them. I feel the pain, the ache, or the upsetness - whatever is coming up in that moment. I let myself be in it. I refuse to be distracted because it's the distractions that will keep me from moving on. Distractions, for me, simply delay the feeling for awhile because those feelings will arise back up again if I don't allow myself to sit with them.

It's the feeling of the feelings that actually allow them to pass through me. Through practicing this, I now know the hard feelings will pass if I validate them, acknowledge them and understand it's part of this process of healing. It's like a secret. A magical potion. 

And I understand I just used the word 'feelings' like a thousand times and I'm okay with that. I'm feeling it all y'all through self talk and thought. And I'm proud of my growth to be able to understand that this is what works for me and is healing for me. I didn't know this about myself before. I was a master at avoiding my feelings and distracting myself. I also didn't realize that people who avoid their own feelings will neglect yours. Well, now I know. If I know better, I can do better. 

First up.....

Something funny you ask? Okay, I got this. Lauren and her family moved into her dad's house who has some of his furniture and things in it because he moved elsewhere where there must have already been furniture there. And I'm living in my own house with Lauren's furniture and things in it. 

Yes, she (they) took some things they need for living in Sherman for now. But why take it all if they are moving into their house they are building? It might as well stay in Gunter, right. 

So I live in my house with some things that are mine and some things that are hers. This means I don't need to buy furniture yet. I have it - even though it's hers. 

So life is funny like this. We are all still intertwined and perfectly fine with it. It's working for us all, and I love that. It is kinda funny though. Are any of us in a house with our own furniture? Not really and that's okay. Still makes me giggle a little bit that it all ended up like this - for now. 

I'm happy for Lauren and Ryan. They are happy. I'm happy. We are happy for each other, which is what's really most important. Life is good. I want the best for Lauren and her family. And I love our ability to adapt our relationship to these different scenarios that Lauren and I find ourselves in. We just keep at it. She's such a special human being to me. She may never know how much esp after she just lived with me and got the birds eye view of my interworkings. You know what they say, you can't unring a bell. But with Lauren, we ring bells and ring them again and again. Like an impatient customer at the counter whose demanding service. We ring bells and there's no unringing them. What we do do is keep pursing our love for one another no matter the bells that are rung. And I love that about Lauren and I. There's no other person I can do that with. And no other person I'd rather do this life with.

My first.....

So after 36 years, I had my first Friday night on my own (last week!). Then my first Saturday on my own (this past weekend). And my 'firsts' of everything continues as I’m just now literally beginning to make my own way in my post-divorce life. Just now. I moved my studio apartment (i.e. master bedroom) into a home (my home 😉). I'm learning how to live my own life now on my own. I'm processing that this is my life now. I can walk around in whatever I'd like. I can do whatever I want with no price to pay for it. I am free to be me and free to do as I please. I'm actually giddy. I'm beginning to find myself smiling for no apparent reason. Just smiling because my body feels like it. Talking to whoever I desire to talk to, doing things I want to just because, and being under no pressure of any expectations of anyone. Just me deciding everything for myself. It's powerful. I have taken my power back, no doubt. And this in turns brings my dreams and desires to the forefront. And I'm following them, and creating a life I've wanted and desired. I've dreamed these dreams for a long time, therefore they are easy for me to see, feel and grab hold of. 

But most importantly, I'm learning who I am. I don't really know just yet, but I see glimmers of the me after we. I see shadows of who I once was and know I am becoming. I hope to become what God has in store for me. I have faith in this process and feel like a leaf in the current of a river sometimes. I don't need to be in control over it all and that's the best part. I trust I'll end up where I am needed and loved. 

As this past week has moved on and all the 'firsts' are happening since being on my own for such a short time, I shimmer in the ability to be myself without rules of how to be. I just be. I feel the glow and twinkle of myself being relaxed and liberated. And this calm and quiet, along with my healing work and therapy, I find I'm coming out of the 'fight or flight' mode I was living in my prior marriage. Always hyper-vigilant and amour'd up for what I thought was protection for myself but was really just wasted energy. Those coping skills were not only unproductive but also made me realize I was only pretending it was going to protect me from poor behavior. Instead, now that my body is understanding there's peace, I find I crave a lot of rest. And silence. Like I'm catching up on all the time I didn't have this stillness - because I stayed in unhealthy patterns and cycles for many years - when I should not have stayed. I take responsibility for staying. I know better now, and did I mention that helps me do better. 

So now you know

** Being vulnerable with my words and feelings is something I'm coming to terms with. You see, I type it all out, like I did above and then I just want to back-space through it all and make it all go away. Yet, I do understand I'm not the only one in the world with these types of experiences, feelings and thoughts so I'm going to be brave when I'm afraid and put my words down of where I'm at. This is where I'm at. I try to try (yes, try to try is sometimes the best I got) to live a life that's uniquely my own with as much purpose and love as I am able. Some days I do better than others. My best one day is very different than my best on another day. The book, The Four Agreements talks about that. Our best varies from day to day, but as long as we keep trying our best every day - that's what matters most. I love that book.

One more thing

And lastly, I came home today from picking up Brooks and Olive from school early. I got to spend the afternoon with them at the farm and we have a blast as usual. 

Loves his tractor

It's the simple things - like collecting
acorns in a bucket. 

But there was something new happening today on The Cannon property.....

The breaking of the ground happened today. Brooks saw it with his own eyes. It's happening. And I'm so excited for The Cannon Family to be in their own house, on their own land, with their own chickens.

He loves his flock 💛
His very own chickens.

Welcome home,

Cyndi

Wait! I almost forgot! My MD Anderson visit. 

I love that place. I went and spent the day there, a week ago Friday. I had a study appt (I'm in a study for my blood cancer there), then labs taken, saw the PA, then saw my oncologist. Then, lucky me, I got to go have a bone marrow biopsy done and since it was a surprise, I was not able to be given sedation and had it done under local. I lived through it. 

I've had bone marrow biopsies before, but always with sedation. Kind of like when you have a colonoscopy and you're just put to sleep for a short while. Same kind of thing. But no, it was an unplanned procedure due to some results from my labs that my oncologist wants to rule out some things like multiple myeloma, leukemia and the extent of the progression of my own cancer. I'll keep you posted as the appt for the results will be on the 18th. 

I'd tell you I'm worried or concerned about the things my oncologist at MDA said/says but I'm just not. I trust them. They know things - all the things. They know what to do with me, what to check for, what's next up for me and this in itself is the greatest gift of all for someone with a cancer such as mine. My life is literally in their hands. I need them - whether it's good or bad news - I'm here for it. They are my lifeline. I love that place.